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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is a fair balance wrt helping in the home

4 replies

MinkyBorage · 10/05/2010 16:50

because clearly I'm getting it all wrong.

I'm a late night person. I'm very productive at night. However I realise that it is my responsibility to get to bed at a sensible time. DH claims he is a morning person.

At the w'end we take it in turns to have a lie-in. DS wakes anytime between 4:20 and 5:20 . Saturday dh gets up and Sunday I get up. This saturday he got up at 4:45 then made me get up at 8 because he was too tired. He went back to bed until 11 ish. Then he went to bed at 7:15 after the dc went to bed. Then Sunday morning I got up with ds at 5 ish. DH got up at 8:20 after 15 hours sleep.
Last night he went out for a drink with the husbands of some friends of mine, all of whom do a LOT more than my dh. So this morning when he offered to get up with ds at 5:20 I thought it may have rubbed off on him. At 7 I got up and tried to have a shower, but struggled because dh didn't want to look after ds anymore. Basically he was furious with me, apparently I am running him in to the ground. Something has to give.

Apparently I get everything I want, I have recently started a course (the first thing I have done apart from looking after the dc since the first was born 4 1/2 years ago) and he has mentioned many times how spoit I am being able to do it.
I stopped bf ds about a month ago, so before then dh never ever got up before 6 at the very earliest, normally after 7, because I would be lying in bed desperately trying to bf ds back to sleep.

I get fed up with the misrepresentation of my role. DH says I do nothing, which is upsetting, and obviously not true at all. He leaves for work between 7 and 8 am and NEVER comes home before the dc are in bed. He can't cook, he doesn't do laundry, and I don't expect him to. He gets fed up holding ds at the weekend, and makes things worse by getting cross with ds for crying when he holds him etc etc.

Oh grrr, I could go on forever about how selfish he is etc etc, but basically I need a strategy to reduce the levels of conflict. At the moment I'm guessing that my only option is doing everything all week long and expecting a lie-in on Saturdays? Guess it's fair enough as he works long hours, but god, it's knackering.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 10/05/2010 22:57

You are both tired. This phase of parenting doesn't last for ever. Soon your dc will be bringing you cups of tea in bed and you'll be lucky to seem them before lunchtime at weekends.

How old is your younger/youngest child?

Because it could be that you could train your dc to amuse themselves if they get up earlier than 7 am. It sounds like you are giving your dc the impression that any time in the night they feel like getting up and acting like it's daytime, a parent will get up with them. Or have I misinterpreted your post?

motherlovebone · 10/05/2010 23:41

ended up breaking up with my OH because of shit like this,
so i dont know if im the best person to comment but i wanted to say, i hear you minky

oh the resentment of having to do it all.

my life was so similar to this, the bf bit, the 'you do nothing / its easy' bit, the arrive home when everything is done...

consequently, DS doesnt even like being around ex really as he doesnt engage with him...

have you tried the sleep thread for inspiration / ideas?

keep doing the best for your children.

cat64 · 11/05/2010 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MinkyBorage · 17/05/2010 18:06

Oh my goodness! I hadn't realised that there were any replies to my thread. How rude of me! Thank you.

I'm off to have a look at the sleep threads.

DC are 4 1/2, 3 1/2 and 13 months (he's the early riser). The older two watch tv until a sensible time so I can go back to bed, or have a shower, but ds is a bit more high maintenence.

cat63, there's no talking to him really. He has a few trump cards up his sleeve, and has as much empathy as a 2 year old!

Things have improved a little with us getting on a bit better, but really that is as a result of me doing all the mornings!

motherlovebone, I know where you're coming from!

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