How can I tactfully explain to my friend that her daughters obsession with mine is upsetting DD.

[sandyballs]

Our daughters are 9 and in the same class at school. Me and mum have been friendly since reception and we see each other with the kids out of school on occasions, with dads and our other children too.

My friends daughter (let's call her DF) has always wanted my DD to play with her exclusively, she doesn't like sharing her with other school friends and used to get quite aggressive and physical with her when she did dare to play elsewhere. We have talked about this with both girls and the mum agrees that this is wrong and has tried to explain to DF not to be like this with DD - incidentally DF has mild special needs, she is a bit behind academically and has mild speech problems.

Approx six months ago DD became very friendly with a group of 3 other girls in the class, who didn't particularly like DF and DD felt torn between them. I tried to encourage DD to split her time between them and to explain to DF that she was still her friend but needed other friends etc.

The mum made an appointment with school, complained that this group of girls were being unkind to DF by not including her - I disagreed, I don't think that is particularly unkind, kids have to get used to the fact that they aren't always included in everything. School then insisted that this group had to include DF in their play - there are 60 kids in the year, I felt that they should have encouraged DF to make other friends. One teacher even said to me that she felt sorry for my DD 'being stuck in the middle of it all'.

Things have come to a head this week with DF getting very stroppy with DD at Brownies when she chose another friend to share a room with on brownie hols - turned on the tears and ended up sharing with her and this other friend.

Then I happened to mention to my friend in conversation that DD has joined a girls football team. I got a text that night saying that she had put DF's name down, even though I know she has no interest in football. I told DD this morning and she cried and said 'I just need a break from her sometimes mummy' .

Sorry this is so so long and thank you if you've got to the bottom of it. I do feel for this little girl, particularly as she has special needs, but I feel I need to put my DDs needs first as this is bothering her so much. Any similar experiences or advice out there?

I don't think talking to DF's mum is going to help then , she is perhaps in denial about DD wanting to have other friends because it is easier for her DD to stick with yours rather than having to help her to widen her social circle? I say this as someone who was probably a clingy needy friend to other girls at times when I was a lot younger so I don't mean to be unsympathetic to poor DF.

Have you considered talking to the school again? Making it clear that you would like your DD to be free to choose her own friends rather than always be put with DF (which as others have said is the easy option for the school rather than helping DF to make other friends). Also as others have said take a step back from DF's mother, be vague about plans and stick with playdates on a basis (fortnightly or whatever) that your DD is happy with. Hope this gets resolved well for both your DD and DF.

Talk to school again - tell them perhaps that dd doesn't look forward to school anymore because she feels suffocated by this girl.

Talk to the Brownie leader. She must have experience of this sort of thing. Maybe she will rearrange the rooms.

Change your mobile number.

I agree that now you have chatted with the mum about this, it is time to go back to the school and tell them about how your dd has been feeling.

Obviously, it is not up to you to tell the school how to help df but you could ask that they help df to make other friends and maybe making sure that they do not group them together for activities/lunch/etc.

In the long run, helping df extend her friendship circle will be of benefit to her.

Also agree with switching of your mobile in the mornings and do't answer your landline, if she knows that number!

I feel for your DD as that must be really stressful for her. Speaking to the school is the only option left to you now. I cant believe the mum texted you again this morning, she clearly didnt take what you said into consideration then - or her daughter is a master manipulator.

It might be useful to write formally to the school as you have spoken verbally to them and they havent resolved the situation to your satisfaction. When writing also ensure that you express to them that you would like a written response on the matter and also to outline what outcome you are after. Sadly this might cause friction between all of you but if that results in your DD feeling 'free' then it will be worth it in the long run. A needy friend is really exhausting

I have fallen out with several friends because of their clinginess. I just cannot deal with clingy friends at all as it borders on controlling. A friend of mine always wanted to know where I was, why I didnt ring her or text her etc and I found that completely intolerable as I have three children and am just too busy to be calling someone every single day. Needless to say we are no longer friends.

Give her one chance. She did it today and you ignored it. See what happens tomorrow. If she texts you again be ready to text back.

"As we discussed at length, DD really likes DF but needs a bit more space. I therefore think its best to let them each make their own plans for lunch and if it happens that they are doing the same thing and they want to eat together, that will be great. And if they end up doing different things that's great too, since it means they can each socialise with other people."

Then save the text on your phone and be ready to send it daily until she gets the message.