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Relationships

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Original poster

DP never been broken-hearted

22 replies

RockinSockBunnies · 10/05/2010 10:48

So, I suppose I'm looking for some reassurance by starting this thread.

DP and I met just after Christmas, fell in love very quickly and have been having an amazing relationship. I'm a single mother to DD (9) who adores him. He has a seven year old son with his ex-partner and they share joint custody.

The relationship has issues (he was made redundant in January, there are issues relating to his ex and his son) so it's not all been plain sailing). Nonetheless, I love him very much, he loves me, and we're planning a future together. We're hopefully moving in together this summer and have spoken about marriage, children etc in the future.

However, one thing that is worrying me somewhat is the fact that he's never had his heart broken in any previous relationships. He's in his forties, has had quite a few long-term relationships but doesn't appear to have been left broken-hearted by any women. Things have ended amicably, or they have drifted apart (with exception of his ex where there were huge amounts of animosity, but he left her, not the other way around).

Would this worry you? I had my heart broken from a previous relationship - it took me a good four years to get over it and come out the other side. Part of me feels that I'm worrying unnecessarily and that I should just be happy with the relationship. Part of me, though, worries that without DP having been through the pain of a split instigated by another, this somehow alters his capacity to love me in the same way that I love him.

Apologies for ramblings....I hope this makes some sense and someone can reassure me!

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/05/2010 10:54

It depends how his relationships ended and why. If they ended because of his infidelity, then yes that's a big red flag.

Original poster

RockinSockBunnies · 10/05/2010 10:58

There's not been any infidelity. Some relationships ended owing to geography (he moving back home to South Africa, girlfriend moving to Japan). Others seemed to have just faded over time.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/05/2010 11:01

So why did he leave his ex and why the animosity? Have you spoken to her yourself - if you're going to have a future together then it is likely that you will have to form some sort of relationsip with her.

Original poster

RockinSockBunnies · 10/05/2010 11:10

Long story involving his ex, with mental health issues on her part, false allegations made by her against him and culminating in her attempting to abduct their son and flee the country. I've not yet met her but have read all the court papers relating to the split, the custody issues etc.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 10/05/2010 11:12

No he doesn't need to have been broken hearted!

(BTW it's a criminal offence to disclose court papers in Children Act matters to a third party!)

queenclarion · 10/05/2010 11:22

I would think that it was OK that he hadn't been broken hearted ONLY IF you consider his emotional response to other things to be appropriate.

What I mean is that he might genuinely never have been broken hearted (fine) but he should have felt other emotions as you would expect.

Rather than having been in a position where he should have been broken hearted, but he actually wasn't. Because that would indicate that his emotional responses were inappropriate and that could present you with relationship difficulties.

JayDubs · 10/05/2010 11:32

I've never really thought about this before but when I really do think about it I've never been broken hearted by the end of a relationship.

I've been sad that things have ended and have felt hurt by break ups but I would say it took weeks rather than months or years to get over.

I've been married for nearly 18 years (together for 22) and I would say our relationship goes through ups and downs and if it was to come to an end ever then that would be sad but I wouldn't say it had the power to break my heart. I'm not sure I'd want someone to have that much power over my own emotional state.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in my experience it's not an indicator for a lack of ability to maintain a good, long term relationship.

msboogie · 10/05/2010 11:49

I have never been broken hearted (yet)I have been broken-hearted in relationships but not at the end of them...

if relationships fizzle out, which lots do, what's to be broken hearted about?

AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 11:50

Now I think about it, I don't think my DH has ever had his heart broken

But he is a kind, caring, empathic man.

This issue never crossed my mind before. I don't think it is an issue, tbh, if you take my example.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/05/2010 12:02

This has to be one of the wierdest posts I have ever read. You have a lovely DP who is capable of ending relationships in an amicable and dignified fashion, like all sensible people, and you're whining? I really, really, don't understand what there is to worry and whine about here.

Reality · 10/05/2010 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tethersend · 10/05/2010 12:08

If it concerns you that much, break his heart.

Otherwise, it seems like you're on to a pretty good thing and looking for cracks.

malinkey · 10/05/2010 12:13

I wouldn't worry about him not ever having had his heart broken - I don't think that's a requirement of being a good partner.

I would be more worried about getting involved with someone and moving in together so quickly. But maybe that's just me.

aurynne · 10/05/2010 12:15

I don't understand the problem or what the OP is worrying about. Sometimes I believe men are right when they say that women will make up problems when there's none.

Tempesta · 10/05/2010 12:16

I've nver had my heart broken and I'm alright!

drloves8 · 10/05/2010 12:16

hes either one lovely man , who is kind and caring who is still friend with all his ex`s .
Or hes a liar.
Or worse hes a psycopath who doesnt feel emotions.
hope its the first.

Undertone · 10/05/2010 13:01

"Part of me, though, worries that without DP having been through the pain of a split instigated by another, this somehow alters his capacity to love me in the same way that I love him."

With the need for him to have experienced the same relationship baggage as you, are you maybe looking for reassurance in that your love is 'mirrored' back to you exactly - and any deviance from this is cause for distress?

If so, then you're setting him an almighty hurdle, and setting yourself up for huge amounts of needy anxiety when his emotions don't precisely match your expectations.

I could have grabbed the wrong end of the stick entirely. That phrase just stood out, though.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/05/2010 13:33

Because I would be deeply suspicious of dating an adult who talked about having his heart broken. I would think 'Snivelling, emotionally incontinent, needy, tedious whanger' and run a mile. It's not that nice to be dumped, but it's not really that big a deal unless you have a very empty life and seriously over-prioritize romantic love.

GetOrfMoiLand · 10/05/2010 13:41

I agree SGB.

DP has not had his 'heart broken'. He is friendly with most of his exes and as far as I know has not hurt anyone else in breaking up with them.

I have also been hurt by a break up, but not to the extent that I have felt heart broken by it, god no. Worse things have happened in my life than some bloke finishing with me tbh.

I would also view any adult who spoke about heart break with deep suspicion and surmise that they read too many over dramatic novels in their time.

Original poster

RockinSockBunnies · 10/05/2010 14:32

Just come back to PC and seen all the replies.

I guess I should clarify a few things. I'm friends with some of my exes - those being the relationships that weren't necessarily emotionally intense and that ended with no great pain on either side.

But then there was one particular relationship that devastated me when it ended. It was somewhat dysfunctional, extremely emotionally and sexually intense, very much a rollercoaster of emotions. I'd never loved anyone like I'd loved him and it took me four years to move on and find, for want of a better word, 'closure'.

I think the other thing I find odd is that I'm nearly twenty years younger that he is, and he's had far more relationships than me, so I suppose on a law of averages, I'd expect him to have been hurt badly at some stage by a partner.

I do know I'm over-thinking things (it's something I do a lot of).....

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 14:45

Rock...that dysfunctional relationship you say you had is not the norm

so meeting someone else who has been through a similar thing is not so likely

be thankful he hasn't...those kinds of relationships can leave people with some serious baggage < ahem >

LisaD1 · 10/05/2010 15:20

My DH has never had his heart broken and I'm thankful as it means he is extremely confident, trusting, has no emotional baggage etc.

I think you're WAY over thinking this and making an issue where there needn't be one. Why can't you just enjoy your DP for who he is?

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