DH just dropped a bombshell!!!!!!!

[muppetshere]

My life is bliss, i mean it - or so i thought!!!!!!!!!!!

DH and I have a strong relationship, we have 2 wonderful children 4.10 yrs and 0.6 months. DH has a very good job earning alot of money. I work part time teaching (whn not on mat leave). We have a lovely home and live comfortably.

3 years ago i got inheritance of in excess of 60K. After doing a couple of home improvements we saved the rest and added to it with monthly saving etc so we have a nice pot of saving now for our future.

MY DH and I used to enjoy a night out together at the casino on roulette. Very sociable and no harm. When i was pregnant DH came home after a night out saying he'd been in a few times on his own been winning alot of money but had gone in and lost £300 this particular night. I was mortified as was he that he'd been sneaking in after work. We were able to take the hit and he immediately excluded himself from the casino.

Fast forward 10 months. Yesterday he told me he needed help. Since starting his new job (Feb) he has been sneaking in to a new one. Said he's been in 6 times. 5 times he has won (50,60,70 pounds a time) Friday he went in drunk after a night out with old colleagues and lost £1000. He is devastated and i am too. We are going to have to go into savings to stop us going overdrawn. It isn't about the money we aren't in debt, have comfortable savings etc but i am so annoyed he could do this to us, to his children.

He is normally so careful with money in everyday life...overpaying on mortgage, budgets for everything, never gets overdrawn but this F***g roulette has got a grip of my dear DH and i don't know what to do.

I want to scream and shout and knock ten bells out of him for the lack of respect for me and his children but i know he needs help and part of me is relieved that he has at least come clean before he could do any real financial damage to us.

He has rang GA last night and is going to go to some meetings to help him.

Its a long post but i need to vent somewhere. Am i being soft for not screaming, shouting hitting him, kicking him ou or would some or you dop the same as me and support your DP/DH through this mess?

I am so scared that my life is going to come crashing down around me. He is a wonderful father, husband and provider so WHY has this got him!

I don't know why it has got him but thank God he was strong enough to tell you now. Before any real financial damage could be done. And thank God he is will to go to GA and not feel he can deal with this on his own.

No real advice but hope it all works out well.

There is no point shouting and screaming although I can understand your frustration
you need to support him through GA and not let this come btw you otherwise it'll be hard for him to give up without your support
good luck!

I can imagine you are angry but as Buda says, at least he has told you and is planning on getting help. You can go to GA as well, I'm sure they support families as well.

I don't want to sound flippant but I was actually quite shocked when you made reference to the £60K and then said it was "only" a £1000.

That is still a huge amount of money and something that you need to discuss.

However, it is a testament to the strength of your relationship that he has told you.

He told you about the £300, he has told you about the other 5 visits. And he told you about this.

AND you ARE in a position to fix it.

So whilst you do need to discuss this, please see it for what it is. And don't get too angry.

I have a friend who is in serious amounts of debt because her girlfriend is a gambling addict: casinos / bookies / online bingo. You name it and she she has bet on it. She once lost £10K in a minute on line.

They are about to lose their house.

Maybe that taints my view of your situation somewhat but please do keep some perspective on the good elements of this: he fessed up immediately.

He hasn't left you out on the street and he doesn't have a hard drive full of porn that makes you miserable.

Talk talk talk and it sounds like you will come out the other side and be fine.

Hi,

Gamcare is also worth contacting for both gamblers and family members of gamblers. You need support too.

Hi,

www.gamcare.org.uk/pages/supporting.html

This page from Gamcare may be helpful to you directly as well.

0845 6000 133 is Gamcare's helpline number.

I see what you say big bad mummy and we are in a position to fix it etc etc we but the fear that in 5 years time we will b where your poor friend is frightens the hell out of me.

We spoke last night and he says he feels its an escapism from the stresses of his job, losing our son (our 2nd child was still born in 2008).

I am so grateful and thankfulhe was strong enough to tell me and i am praying we can sort this mess out. Not the financial because we are lucky enough to be able to do that instantly. Its the trust, the lies and the axtual problem of him entering the place in the first place that we ned to overcome.

I am just so angry, upset and annoyed for the lack of respect i suppose. I out of curtosy ask him for money to go shopping for clothes etc.

I went out fri to our local shopping centre and spent was looking on the sale rails for a new top to go to the cinema with friends in a couple of weeks because i didn't want to spend too much money. I saw so many lovely clothes i COULD have bought but didn't because i'm not being paid a full wage (on mat leave) and month to month things are tight living on just DH wage.

I could easily have had the "oh well we have savings" philosopy but had too much respect for DH and our finances.

He has just left for work saying it'll take his mind off it and he was sorry i was left home with a lot f time to think and stew about it. As i kissed him good bye i could see theshame and horror in his eyes but still i wanted to punch him. I know i have to support him - its the only way but Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

bigbadmummy, i never said it was only a £1000. i just reread my post. I made reference to the savings because it was a trigger point for us. it was the first time we went socially into a casino together because we had a comfortable pot of savings.

We stopped going in socially together a long time ago because i could see it was getting out of hand and i was always too miserable if i came away and had lost. Just can't get why he didn't go the same way as i did.

Apologies if I mis-read the first post.

Well your last sentence says it all and I suspect only your DH can answer that.

Try giving GA a call, as others have suggested.

I still stand by what I said about the fact that he told you. That is a massive step and a sign that he does want help and he does want your support.

He doesn't see it in the way you do because he's an addict. My DH is an alcoholic so I do understand how you are feeling.

He isn't doing this because he doesn't respect you or value you; he does it because he has become addicted. He has recognised that he has a problem, so be thankful that he has taken the first step towards recovery.

muppet I am so sorry, I have only just read your second post (saw the third and answered that one).

My heart goes out to you over the loss of your son. And it maybe that therein lies why your DH needs to escape.

I know nothing of your past and how you coped at the time, or what support you, or he had. I do know that it would have been one of the hardest things a couple can go through and it can be the root of seemingly unconnected issues later in life.

Yes, you are angry. Justifiably. Yes you feel let down. Justifiably. Yes you feel this has shown you a lack of respect. Justifiably. I would feel exactly the same things.

Today is a new week and lay down some ground rules. He WILL look into GA. Maybe take his cash card off him and give him "an allowance" each day? He may feel that it is treating him like a child, well respect of money has to be earned and until you can trust him with it again, this is how it is.

I disagree about giving him an allowance. I think he needs to tackle this head-on himself with the support of GA. Only he can fight this.

Muppet, I really feel for you.

I don't think giving your DH an allowance would help because he may feel humiliated and that could make things worse especially as it's "his" salary.

However, I would make sure that nothing can be taken from your savings account without two signatures. If you have cash cards on that account, I would cut them up. That way you are still both equal but neither can take money out without the other being aware of it. Your DH will agree if he really is intent on stopping. It's just putting the money out of temptation's way.

The first thing I would do is make sure he cannot access your savings AT ALL.

I mean, keeping the books with a relative, at their house, hidden, and not telling him who has them.

If someone has an addiction, they might lose control of the basics and it's just possible he could start using that money too.

It's imperative that you make sure this is safe from his problem.

If you don't protect your money and he does find a way to use it, (saying things don't go well at GA) then your marriage coul;d end up in a much worse state iyswim.

So sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds at an early stage though, that's good news.

DH has just rang me. He called into the casino on the way into work and has excluded himself for life.

I feel a bit better and thankful that he has recognised this before any real damage has been done.

x posts sorry.

That is great news!

Do watch the online stuff though...that's a real risk, too. You can give them card details I think, and they can then take money from your account iyswim.

I don't know much about this stuff but just want you to cover all bases.

our savings are in a joint bond and need 2 signitures, he gave me his cashcard yesterday and is going to attend GA tomorrow night. These are all positive steps aren't they.

Bigbadmummy. when we lost our little boy their was a lot of support and still is for me but DH never got any, doesnt really talk alot about it - goes to grave etc. Maybe losing our little boy is also a factor to all this.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your DH not talking alot about his loss.

I also know about that, and I know how it can then impact and cause addictions.

If your DH went for counselling as well as contacting GA I am sure he would soon find a connection.

From my experience it is about control. "I couldn't control that and stop my son dying but I can control this". Not that I am saying that is your situation but it is certainly what has happened in my experience.

Sounds like he has woken up though and realised that actually he IS in control and has taken steps to stop the addiction,

Good luck

Muppet they are huge steps.
my story is similar to yours. DH gambled a load of our income over 5 years, and although i had suspected that he had a problem with betting i had no idea how bad. when i was 5 months pregnant with our second child he dropped the bombshell in november 2008. His job was in trouble, we were heavily in debt. i spent so many days after that crying. but like your DH, he finally recognised the problem. that night i told him i was leaving for half an hour for ds and wanted him to think about what was more important to him, his family of the horses. he picked us, went to GA the next day. I am a regular myself since at Gam Anon. its been a hard few years, we have to prioritise the meetings above all else and i firmly believe that if DH stopped going to GA he'd be back in the bookies within the week. Your DH has to go to at least 2 metings a week, you might find yourself resentful over this but there really is no other choice. I go to a Gam anon meeting once a week and its a huge huge help. i love going there. We also go to AA and Al Anon as DH is also a recovering alcoholic (cross addicted). I cant ever see a time that we wont go to meetings- there is a very high relapse for those who do stop going.
we also in the past 5 years have suffered recurrent m/cs and an ectopic pregnancy- i do think the fall out of this didnt help matters so i can in someway empathise with you and your huge loss, im so sorry.

The good news is that in the past while we are getting happier and happier. Life with DH while drinking and gambling was no walk in the park. he had no interest in his family. But we are getting back to the way we used to be, and it feels like we are falling back in love again . for the first time in years instead of dreading his key in the door im all excited and butterflyee! Im glad i stuck by him and supported him. He was never abusive and is a wonderful person despite his addictions.

it sounds like your DH is recognising his problem a lot earlier than most, fair play to him. I wish your both the very best and i would agree that he needs counselling to deal with his loss and his issues. DH did 4 months of it last year and he went form having a nervous breakdown to a much happier person.

xxx

thankyou so much moanyhole. The manager of the casino this morning said he'd done the right thing in exclding himself and that he'd caught his addiction early. For this i am so relived and proud of him. He recognised it and has already taken massive steps to sort it out.

I will stand by him and support him through this and i know now after i've got over the inital shock and upset that we can get through this with the support of GA.

I am so sorry for your miscarriages and that your DH is an addict but pleased that your life seems to be good and back on track.

DH has always felt like he should be strong for me when we lost our little boy and was a rock for me throughout the birth, days after, the funeral and throughout the subsequent pregnancy. I'm still supported quite heavily through baby loss forums and friends who i've made through my loss but for DH he went back to work and rarely speaks of his loss. This combined with a change of job may have just been a catalyst.

I have to say, the firsat thing I thought when I read your post is what a fabulous relationshiop you have. He must love and trust you a lot to tell you...this is only owrthwhile if he can keep going to meetingsa and stop gambling., I would, until proved otherwise, keep all money out of reach.

thanks posie. i have. he gave me his debit card without me asking, we dont have credit cards and the bulk of our savings are tied up and need 2 signitures to withdraw once they mature. He also gave me the ISA books this morning too.

I think we are doing all the right things. Just pray to god it'll be enough.

DH was the same muppetshere, he felt he had to support me and i think the combination of the losses, me in an ambulance with the ectopic ( he still jumps when he hears sirens), and the addiction escalating just became too much.

Supporting your DH is the best you can do, and its a whole different scenario when they (very bravely) face up to their problems. Just be aware that the first couple of years of recovery can be tough for your DH and for yourself but its worth it now. in fact i think you can be happier than you ever could have been without the addiction because the 12 step program is a fabulous way to live. if you go to Gam Anon, and i strongly recommend that you do, you will do the 12 steps too, it wonderful.

it wont be easy for a while, but it will get better, once you both prioritise the meetings.Make sure too that you look after yourself, there are 2 of you recovering. you'll begin to realise how much of an impact this has had on you all as a family as well.
xxx