can't stand my H

[kimtwin]

I have been married for 18 years and have four children. I loathe my husband who is a lazy fat malicious spiteful and cruel man. The only reason i am still with him is because i cannot afford to leave him and I cannot contemplate leaving without my children. Is there anyway that I can force him to leave the house?

Oh feel for you. It took me years to leave and now I am finally free, it is so much better.

Have you spoken to Womens Aid? The CAB?

Get as much advice and information that you can.

Have you started divorce proceedings? You could force the sale of the house eventually couldnt you?

Sorry just realised my first post was 3 years ago. Oh god!!
Only option I'm told is to divorce whilst still living together. I just don't know how to do that and how dreadful for kids. I'm on my knees now just dint know how I would have strength to go through with it

Well done for telling him you want to separate! That's a massive step forward.
It's taken me 4 years to leave mine - one child, much younger, she was only a baby 4 years ago.
Definitely need specific legal advice from solicitor about the house. But your kids are old enough to make their own choices now.

What is the flat? Is that an option not for living in, but for raising more money? Could you sell it and use as deposit on new smaller house that's big enough for kids still?
Tbh, I think I'd divorce and live in same house. Not long term... and there'll be those who say it's awful living together during / after divorce. It will be - but it's shit now, too. You might as well be moving forward.
Definitely see solicitor though.

Oh, Kim - how much have things deteriorated since then? I'm sorry, I don't know much about the legal side, do speak to Woman's aid and solicitors. How are the kids taking everything, how aware do they seem about the situation?

You work full time, don't you? Please get out, plan carefully.

Could you both use the flat? Whichever parent does not have access that day, goes to stay there?
That is quite possibly unworkable, but every situation is different. It wouldn't be ideal, but staying together isn't ideal.

Hey, if I could do it, you can too! I was utterly terrified of my Ex. When we had 'the conversation' about divorce, he just pretended it never happened. I too was on my knees and massively in debt so in desperation I went to the CAB and there I met a fabulous solicitor and once my Ex realised I was serious he actually was very fair to me.

You will find the strength and it won't be dreadful for your kids, you need to show them that they should not put up with a bad relationship. Unfortunately seeing how I was treated is the norm for my kids and I doubt the damage can be undone.

Sorry have to keep going offline as H is Home. Flat I spoke of is my parents. They have said I can stay there but absolutely not him.
Thanks for all your comments. I know you are all right as you were 3 years ago. I just don't know how to get the courage. I will ring cab and see if I see another solicitor 're the previous advice of me moving out being a financial suicide. Solicitor said he will be able to go to court evidening that he is the main carer and therefore bigger split of house and I would have to pay maintenance in the usual way despite him earning a lot more than me.
Recently husband changed jobs much better salary but won't disclose what or is. Also he has stashed his redundancy money away and I don't know how much that is either. Would certainly be enough to rent a flat but he says he won't have me force him to leave his family

Divorce him while living under the same roof. He will never leave, and if you wait till all the DC are gone you will end up will nothing. What will change if you start divorce proceedings? He treats you like crap anyway. It's not too late to teach your children that noone has the right to treat others with such disdain, and they should never accept their lot as a bad one. They've grown up with the worst example of a relationship to emulate. As far as I can see there are no negatives to starting proceedings, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, and you can start to rebuild yourself after years of this letch tearing you apart

He must have paperwork somewhere detailing his finances ... I would hunt around and get copies of them. And echo what others have said about divorcing him whilst under the same roof.

I found details of him opening the bank account but have hunted high and low and no sign of work contract etc. Or any bank statements
Going to contact cab tomorrow see if I can see another solicitor re. Me leaving but also to talk through divorce under same roof issues.

Seen another solicitor who appeared (?) to be saying same as first solicitor - that for me to leave house and move into a flat is a bad idea. He said oh if worst came to worst it might not be insurmountable but up to courts to decide split of finances.

Surely there must be something I can do. So unhappy can't concentrate at work, then don't want to come home. Husband behaving all chirpy like not a care in the world. No one cares or notices how miserable this is for me.

Has anyone had experience of similar?

Viking1 - so sorry to seem dim. My thoughts are all over the place. How is it easy to get him to leave? How do I hold all the cards? Feel so hopeless and powerless at the minute.

Thank you Viking