husband wants me back - Help!

[sammietee79]

i really really don't know what to do. my H has had an affair and for the last 6 months he has come back once but he went back to his gf. He moved in with her because he had nowhere else to go but obviously the grass isnt greener and for about two weeks he has been constantly texting me and crying that he has lost me and his family (we have one DD) and he cant bear it.

he came to see me last night and we talked for hours - last time he came back he didnt change a thing but he wants to change anything if I give him a chance.

my head tells me to kick him far away, my heart says the opposite. i have missed him and it sounds so stupid after everything but I feel a connection with him i have never felt before.

i am still going ahead with the divorce and I told him it was just words and they mean shit - he has a hell of a lot to prove to everyone. Only thing is Im seriously confused and messed up and have no one to talk to as all my friends and family hate him for what he has done. my mum who I am really close to will probably disown me.
Please help - anyone ever made it work? or am I living in a dream world?

It's not just about you making it work - first of all I would tell him if he ever, EVER sees her again that's the end. No excuses.

Good luck.

I'm sure someone with better advice will come along,
but I doubt your family & friends would disown you, your family don't want to see you hurt but I'm sure they will always be there for you,

if he is determined to change let him show you first,
where is he living now, still with gf?

He could start by proving it by leaving her FIRST and THEN trying to win you back.

I agree with marybs, he could leave her, get a cheap horrid bedsit and try to win you back starting relationship from scratch. Sounds to me he just wants to come back to cosy family home and have everything back to normal. Ask him if he is willing to live with no woman while he wins you back and see if he doesn't decide to stay with the OW.

As for you family, they just loveyou and will have seen what you have been through, am sure they wouldn't go as far as to disown you.

He could move into a shared house or live as someone's lodger or something. Her house is not the only other housein the world.

It is your marriage at the end of the day and if you both want to save it then you should try everything you both can to do that.

Anything you discuss, reasons, emotions, everything related to this are all between him you and your children and nobody else's business.

Despite what he has done, if you can both learn and get through this then your marriage should be stronger.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

I think you need to think about how happy you were with him prior to the affair.
If he comes back and nothing else changes other than the fact that he stops seeing the other woman, would he make you happy?

Some women have lovely husbands who make a mistake they regret and do everything they can to put it right. With them I think there's a chance it can work.

Others have arsehole husbands who repeatedly cheat, blame their wife for the affairs and gradually erode their wife's self esteem until she accepts that's all she's worth.

These are probably the 2 extremes but based on the info given it's hard to tell which type he was.

I think it is worth a try. Imagine how you would feel down the road if you don't. Will you regret not trying.

Look at Cheryl Cole. She took him back and although they are seperated now at least she/they tried.

The best that could happen is that you will get through it and stay together. The worst is that you eventually go your seperate ways.

He doesn't want you back. he wants you to take HIM back. There's a big difference.
Because it would be you taking him back it would have to all be on your terms.

What he needs to do is break off all contact with his girlfriend, move into a place of his own and then work towards you trusting him again. Of course you can't just take him back while he is still living with his mistress.

I agree with marybs, he could leave her, get a cheap horrid bedsit and try to win you back starting relationship from scratch

He is still lying because you know he hasn't told her any of this and she is probably blissfully unaware. He must leave her and set up on his own as a first non-negotiable step. You can change your mind at any time. DO NOT just let him move back in with the promise of working on things from there. He has to earn his way back or he will do it again the next time the grass looks greener on the other side

Does his gf know he is trying to get back into the marital bed ?

I agree with previous posts...actions not words are the key here

Don't grieve for something you lost...it was obviously not what you thought it was

It could never be the same again...has he properly acknowledged the effort he would have to amke to gain your trust again ?

good god what a shit.

erm, hello, he has left you once, then come back, then gone back to his girlfriend ..his gf who presumably doesnt know he is trying to "win you back" ...whose house he is still living in.

what a cunt. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK.

sorry.

update - he has left the gf and has moved in with his brother. He wants to come home but i don't want him to yet as I think he needs space getting his head around what he has done and sorting out what he will have to do to have any chance of starting again with me.

He has involved his mum (for the first time) telling her everything. i am very close to MIL and she is keeping me informed if she feels i should know.

i think tiny tiny steps are the way forward. I am going to keep doing what I have been doing for the last few months i can survive without him so its up to him to prove why on earth I should give him a chance.

thanks for not shouting at me! All my friends will go mad but none of them has experienced this horrific ordeal. Whatever happens I will do what is best for me and my DD.

Don't take him back!!

I know you feel like you need him and he can change but i don't think so. like superv1xen said. He's an ass. I believe he feels like shit and understands that he lost his family but it's his own fault.

If you're really thinking of taking him back he has a lot to prove to you, and make sure he does. You don't want to take him back and be paranoid all the time if he's cheating again. If you can start trusting him again good for you, i never could trust anyone after something like this...

C someone else, find out how would you feel with a different man. That could help to answer a lot of questions.

oh, you sound really sensible and like you have your head screwed on

you have a good plan (not to just let him waltz back through the door...like nothing ever happened)

all the best of luck x

Do not take him back-he has imo no respect for you.

He cheated, came back, left.

Then finally thought, oh, I have a family

Fücking ärse.

make sure he gets tested for STIs before you let him anywhere near you and demand to see the results in black and white.
best of luck.xx

EXACTLY what diddl said.

sorry OP, you sound a lovely lady, you deserve better. x

I think you are doing the right thing ie proving that you can survive by yourself and then taking him back (if you choose) on your terms.

From bitter experience, I would advise you to resist the urge to take him back and then 'get back to normal' as quickly as possible. He must feel the consequences of what he has done.

I believe he can change - but as said before do make sure you get what you want now.
The new relationship will be on your terms now - the balance of power will have shifted in your favour. This can be hard especially if you are not used to that.

Now you know you can be on your own you will be stronger.

Your marriage will be very different but in many ways can be better.

Good luck and take it slowly - there is no need for you to stick to your decision either remember that.