PIL's - making things good for the sake of the children

[afterallyouknow]

We have 2 small children and as I have no contact with my family (long story), we rely on my DH's family for that important aspect of life. I used to get on well with FIL - but lots of things, including having children have spoilt that. I now see him for what he can be - spiteful and thoughtless and selfish. The list of things is boring but he has said some really cruel things to me since having children. My MIL has not been much better at times though nowhere near as bad as him.

Given my own family circumstances I want my children to have blood relatives that they are close to and they have other significant adults rather than just me and my husband - I feel we are parenting in isolation and I don't want things to be like that. However, every visit is a strain, really not enjoyable and I am very sad that things are like that. unfortunately we live a long way from them so it involves overnight stays of a few days.

They love the children (well at least the older one - the reaction or lack of it by MIL to second daughter made me very angry). I don't feel it is my place to arrange visits, skype or anything else and I am now leaving all of that to my husband and them - but when I do next week them - how do I let go of the anger I feel towards both of them for things in the past and how to I handle the disapproval/critcism of how I am parenting?

It is so hard. I can sympathise, but you are doing the right thing and should take comfort from that. However difficult it is.

I think you should approach the whole thing like a project, and plan some non-confrontational statements to make when things are really irritating.

I just feel I am sure, an irrational level of anger towards them - they have been thoughtless and downright nasty at times and I have not been great - but maybe it is an excuse but the last few years have been enormously hard, stressful, tiring, emotionally draining and I never expected FIL to understand but MIL has shown no sympathy at all - they don't do sympathy, understanding.

I almost cannot stand my FIL's company now and things had been good a long time ago - before I saw the really nasty side to him.

I would accept that your anger is actually rational rather than irrational. Why should you feel guilty about THEIR shitty behavior?

It might help you to let go.

If you can think of specific things to say when they are irritating you it might help you to cope. For instance, if they are being unfair to your DD2 then you could say something like "Oh, I think DD2 is feeling left out. She wants a cuddle with her Granny too".

You know why you want to maintain contact, I think it shows that you are the nicer person.