Has anyone found a long lost parent?

[Nemofish]

Have posted about finding my dad. He is found, technically, I have sent some e-mails to close relatives of his, asking them very nicely if they know him, and that I am trying to find him, could they help etc. He saw me last as an 11month old.

This all started at the beginning of the year, it made me ill for about 3 months before I really got to grips with the situation (won't bore you, but other stuff going on, found out I was not legally here in this country, had to sort all that out - still ongoing).

Now I have sent these messages I feel sick as a dog - literally sick the majority of the time, especially if I'm hungry.

Has anyone else dealt with finding a long lost parent? Did you face rejection, acceptance? I can't help feeling that the chances of my dad being a complete twatbag are actually pretty good, but I want to know my half siblings.

Sorry that first bit should read 'I have posted on here about finding my dad.' God I sound like I'm thirteen.

hmmm... not quite the same situation as you but found my mum after 20 years of no contact.

it took a lot of courage and i expected a lot of things... none of which emerged.

for advice i would say...

dont expect them to see things as you do

it takes time to build a relationship

dont assume you will find a "parent"

I 'found' my Dad after at 16, although he was never really lost, it jjust it took me a long time to pluck up the courage to ask my Mum for the details that led me to him.

I contacted him through my paternal Grandmother, and consequently spent time speaking on the phone before meeting and spending time with him and my half siblings.

It was a wholly positive experience for me, although our relationship was never a father/daughter one, more that of a friend.

I no longer see him, various circumstances have meant that I no longer know where he is, but I don't regret finding him initially. Both he and his family accepted and welcomed me.

Not a close relative, though found a 3rd cousin through my family tree research. For me it was no big deal, but for her I was the first person she had been in touch with on her Mum's side of the family. She was adopted as a baby, has made contact with her birth father but not her mother. I'm related to her mother, have never had contact with her mother, but have had contact with her mother's sister (who doesn't know I'm in touch with her niece).

3rd cousin is very helpful and friendly and very interested in family tree. But it's an odd situation.

I am definitely the '3rd cousin' in this situation, SoMuchToBits.

Mankymummymoo - you're right, he's, well, he's not my dad, you're right. I would love to just know about my half siblings though.
Sorry it didn't work out for you - dh has already warned me that he might be like my mum - fucking awful and best kept away from!

I don't have any 'real' family, my mum's an NPD nutjob, my grandparents have passed away, my lovely Pil have passed away. There is a family that unofficially fostered me and I still see my two 'brothers' but that's it. I know I should be grateful for what I have. But I have to know - it's killing me.

Well, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Have messaged one lady who is related to my dad via marriage - she denies all knowledge of him (despite the fact there is a fecking photo of him and his wife on her profile). I just thanks for taking the time to reply.

I have (very politely and carefully) messaged my dad's wife now. I hope I get a reply but at the end of the day I have to prepare myself for the idea that he wants nothing to do with me.

What a mess.

Sorry you are going through this. If it is really your siblings that are your motivation (and you need to be honest with yourself about whether that is the case) then try and view the contact with your father as a "means to an end".

I've always maintained that being a parent is an earned priviledge, not one that is bestowed upon you simply through biology.

Also, in a more sympathetic vein, that not everyone has the capacity to be a good parent.

What do you want from your father if anything? And what is the real likelihood of you getting it?

I 'found' my 'mother' through other people. Found out that over 20 years later she still wanted nothing to do with me. Felt rejected all over again and that never goes away. She refuses to acknowledge that I exist. I find it difficult to deal with.

Not much help to you unfortunately.

No, it is. I need to prepare myself for my bio dad to be a waste of fucking time, I think I find it a bit easier now than I would have a few years ago...

I am more confident and if he doesn't want to know, it really is his loss, I'm not losing anything.

Mankymummymoo - you are right - my mother has a very limited capacity to be a good parent, I don't know why I think he will be any different.

Glad it was of some help then.

I feel a bit like you in that it is her loss and she won't ever know her GC, but becoming a mum has made me wonder how the hell she could do what she did.

Although it has made me determined to make my DS know just how loved he is by his mummy.

My 3rd cousin was fine with getting in touch with her Bio dad - he was very receptive, they are still in touch regularly and she has met other members of his side of the family.

However she also tried to get in touch with her Bio Mum, who didn't want to know at all. I feel very sad about this, as I am actually related through her Mum's family. As I said I have contact with her Mum's sister, but she doesn't know I'm in touch with my 3rd cousin. All very difficult.

A friend of my mums did. She finally found out - after years of suspecting but being lied to - that her dad wasn't her bio dad. I think it was just over a year ago now that she get in touch, and has met him and her half siblings, they have met her children... Think it was very strange and difficult for everyone at first (her mum was very unsupportive), and I remember her describing all the emotions you have above during the process.

However they now get on - think they see each other every now and again, and for her it was more a case of knowing where she came from.

I really hope everything works out for you, Nemo.

Thanks, Boob, and it's good to 'see' you.

Thank you all, ladies. I am taking the morning off from mummying tomorrow and I'm off to hang around coffee shops looking cosmopolitan. Then I will be lots of chocolate from Post Choccie Shop. Then I will go home.

Tis my way of coping...

I think that's a great plan, Nemo. Am sending you virtual chocolate at the moment!

mouth open for chocolate like this
Om nom nom...

And I hope you feel better soon SirBoobAlot.

Thanks If you are ever Brighton way, we shall go via the multitude of fantastic chocolate shops, both like , and wait for it to simply be placed in out mouths