What do you do with the rage?

[KorkiiEffenkrakers]

I've been thinking about this one for a long time. I had a very abusive childhood - beatings, verbal abuse, weird 'torturey' things at the hands of my dad etc which left me suicidal and with no self esteem at all by the time I was 18.

There were 4 kids in our family - me and my sister (1 year apart) then a boy then 5 years later another girl. Me and the sister closest to me were treated dreadfully, punched, kicked etc. I think I was pretty odd by the time I was at grammar school but just got victimised by the teachers etc for that too. Not one person ever asked us were we ok. Not one. I can never believe in some kind of caring society because I know it does not exist.
Now I live in another country and my sister lives far away from them too. The 'golden children' live very close to my parents. They created a company so that my brother could work for them and earn big money (before that he had 1 GCSE and worked in a factory). They helped him buy a big house and gave him a jeep etc. My youngest sister is being bought a house by them too, despite never even having kept down a permanent job and she is nearly 30.

I am so bitter. They wouldn't give me any money towards my 4 years at uni. They never send anything for the children and my dad comes to a place close to where I live on business all the time but pretends he hasn't been there as he does not want to visit me. They have only seen one of my kids once and never seen the other.

I don't even know why I bother keeping (minimal) phone contact. I am so angry. I am nearly 40 and I have been angry all my life. No matter what I do, I will always be unlovable and a failure in their eyes. I am not a bad person but somehow there is a 'script' in our family where two of us are bad and two of us are good.

I used to get on really well with my younger two siblings but the difference in the way our parents have treated us is really severing the ties. They used to, at least, acknowledge the abuse. Now my brother says 'he doesn't give a f*ck' about what happened in our youth and that we should move on. My youngest sister says that it was just dad's job making him like that and he's 'lovely' now and they're really close.

My parents are evil. They have done so many evil things to me and my sister and are still doing them. I think if I didn't have kids to care for, I'd kill them.

I 've had loads of counselling but am still sick with anger. It is going to kill me in the end. My father is a bigwig in his local community and my mother helps out in the church and goes to the Mother's Union every week (ffs!). They get away with it and my siblings are helping them now and will agree with anything my parents say as they are on the payroll. It is devastating.

Indeed it is devastating, Korki. Have you tried cutting contact with them? What happened?

You might want to vent a lot more on the Stately Homes thread

I didn't speak to them for 5 years after the university thing. (They promised I 'would not want for money' - it lasted 2 months. He then bought himself an MG and said he had other children to think of besides me).

The speaking/not speaking doesn't seem to make much difference. A difference between my parents and most other toxic parents is that mine don't want to control me - they just want me not to be there (except for Xmas and weddings). My mum likes photos of the kids to show relatives. I think it is embarrassing for her that out of 5 grandchildren, she only has contact with one (my brother's daughter). If I stopped speaking (ie phoning) my parents tomorrow, they wouldn't contact me or anything at all. In a way that's why I don't want to go away. Why should I slink off like some unwanted thing?

"Why should I slink off like some unwanted thing? "

I think you should cut contact (I know it is easy for me to say) but they are still controlling you. Their actions are making you very angry (I don't blame you), they are still abusing you by openly preferring your siblings.

My first thought: Because it's not about winning or losing? Looking at the shitty upbringing they gave you, and their repeated put-downs, you've already 'lost' in the sense that - fight as you will - you can't, now, get what you should have had from them. And that is good reason to be angry. They let you down.

There's nothing more to be gained from them (except a world of pain, obviously.) I wasn't suggesting that dropping them entirely would "make a difference" to them. It might to you, though. Would you keep up a relationship with anybody else - a neighbour, say - who'd proved beyong doubt that they are dangerous to you? It's a bit like running headlong at a brick wall, again and again - do it as often as you like, but which is going to get broken? The wall or your head??

Personally, I don't see why you should send photos to help your mother keep up her pretence of having a functional family.

Yes, I am probably onto a loser with the whole thing. I'm not really sure why I actually have anything to do with them. Except, I think, because to go off makes me 'bad' again and I don't want to give them any ammo.

Fuck them. Who cares what they think?

The four of them are so cosy together and if I am around in some way I think I make them uncomfortable as they cannot just 'forget' I exist.

I don't want to make their lives easy. I want them to pay and pay. How is it that people can do such bad things to their own children and get away with it? My father has broken my sister's nose, put a gun to my head saying heing was going to shoot me etc and yet his life is great and I am the one with the scars on my wrists (and my heart). How does this happen?

Cutting contact would be the better option, the fact they want you to go away is a reflection on them and their twisted view of reality, not you.

Although it might seem like slinking off, try to see it as a walking away with your head held high and feck them sort of attitude...easy to say, I know. It's so difficult coming to terms with the fact that your family are extremely abusive but you really don't deserve any more scapegoating.

Sorry for lecturing you, but I've been in the same situation and it's not so easy to just move on from this

Cross-posted, so sorry to hear you had to suffer such vile treatment

Korki, it happens because YOU were their child. You were born to trust, love and admire your parents. They completely took the piss out of your trust & dependence on them. You were only a child, you didn't know any different - but you felt the pain. They had you where they wanted (needed) you. There is something wrong with them, but sadly nobody can fix them.

You can fix you though.

Gotta go, my own dysfunctional sibs are coming in a minute

what do you do with the rage?

you use it. you use it to make a fucking good life for yourself, you learn from their mistakes, and you most definitely cut all contact.

thats what ive done and it feels fantastic.
ive a good job, own home, decent husband and two lovely children. and the satisfaction of knowing im a much much better person than either of them were.

that is really sick.

i think (hope) that even though they want to act happy families, they never really can, because they're the kind of people who do awful things to their own kids. at times like this i really wish there were divine retribution.

i do believe that you'll be a lot better off without them. if it were to help you could write them a letter telling them why you are cutting them out, as long as you know you might not get a response. they will never turn around and apologise and bring you back into the fold because they're sick bastards. and for that very reason you really really need to cut them out. that is how your healing will begin, because right now your wounds are opened every time they do another vindictive, crappy thing.

no contact. only way.

Korkii it doesn't make you bad. It may make your parents perceive you as being bad but I think it's pretty apparent that they're the bad ones here.

I think the longer you are in contact with them the more the rage will build up. Unless you are able to express that rage and move on I think you may be trapped for a long, long time. Please, please stop even considering your parents. Think about yourself and your family.

I had a pretty abusive childhood myself but the bastard who hurt me is dead now. I didn't weep. You have to find a way to let it go. If you can, you will find a measure of peace. My heart goes out to you.

Fuck them. Deny all contact to their grandchildren and then if, in the future, they ask for pictures say 'No, you wouldn't treat me like a human being when I was a child, see how you like it' and hang up

I haven't spoken to my father in 6 years. At first I thought he might want to find me, then he ignored my wedding, my 2 children being born etc etc.
Fuck him.

2 of my siblings still speak to him and get on really well. I only talk to them under the understanding that I do not want to hear about it. If they mention him or try and persuade me to contact or anything I just tell them to please stop talking about something they obviously know nothing about or are willing to deny.

It is hard, everyone copes differently with a traumatic childhood but I honestly think in your case you and your sister shoudl just cut all contct and pretend they are dead. As far as I am concerned my father is and it makes me a lot happier to deal with that.

WRT to the rage it is veyr, veyr hard, I would contact your GP and ask for counselling.

If your parents are so vile then there is no way that everything can be as hunky dory as you say for your "golden" siblings. There's got to be some price for them to pay for all the favour that is bestowed upon them from this toxic pair - even if it is just that they have become, in your parents' image, not very nice people themselves.

So leave them all to it. I promise you, you will not lie on your deathbed and wish that you had given more years to this self fulfilling vicious circle of abuse and low self esteem. You may lie on your deathbed and wish you had got out of it all so much sooner and enjoyed your own life and been as happy as you possibly can be without their malign influence.

You are not punishing them or holding a light up to their bad behaviour or forcing them to acknowledge their past misdeeds by hanging around. In their own words they don't give a fuck. You are only punishing yourself, and if you are unhappy and angry all the time, you are probably unwittingly punishing your own children too.

There's the benefit of hindsight, right there; do what is best for you and your own children.

Korkii - I've written 2 posts and deleted because they can't do justice to your situation. Your siblings and mother are colluding with your dad because they are too scared of blowing apart the happy family myth they've created. Your fathers actions are inexcusable and you have every right to feel angry. I am so sorry counseling hasn't helped.

I think you want them to confront it, to acknowledge that what they did to you was so wrong, so disgraceful and to apologise. Unfortunately I don't think this is going to happen. I understand your feelings that you want some kind of retribution or revenge or to make them 'pay' as you put it. I also think that you sound sick and tired of this rage and anger you feel inside and want it all to stop. Have you actually ever confronted them with what they did to you?

I think you either have to forgive them, but given what you have said that sounds like a bloody tall order, or you have to say that you are letting them and all the shit go. Walk away knowing that it is not your fault, that you have done nothing wrong that you are a good person. I am so sad that your parents don't love you the way they should but you've got your own family now. Maybe you just have to try and turn your rage into something positive which is to let go of the negative emotions & concentrate on your family & your sister.

Your M&D just don't deserve any more emotional energy, positive or negative to be wasted on them. They bloody well don't deserve you. OR your dcs. I really hope you find a way of dealing with this. It is unjust, and unfair but please don't let them ruin any more of your life than they already have.

Korki your situation is similar to mine. Out of 4 children, 2 are the golden children. My mum shows off photos of my 3 DCs despite having no interest in them and telling me that she "doesn't like and will never love" one of the three.

About 6 months ago I cut contact. She doesn't care. She hasn't been in touch. I know she will never apologise for or acknowledge what happened during my childhood. She's happily getting on with life with her golden children.

Who's "won"? I have. I have learnt I am worth something and am finally building a successful life for my own family. My mother has taught me how not to be an abusive, non-caring parent.

When I was in contact with her it dragged me down. I was constantly stressed and upset by her not caring about me, criticising and obviously preferring my siblings. I have been a hundred times happier since not being in contact with her. The only downside is these last few months have brought it home how much she really doesn't care about me. I'm still angry, but I don't care what her opinion of me is anymore.

In your situation, you are NOT the bad one. Check out the stately homes thread, you will find lots of people who understand

Korki i think gladitsover talks so much sense. by maintaining any sort of contact you give them the opportunity to reject repeatedly, and you deserve so much better.

It's mad. I left home before I was 18 - now I'm nearly 40 and they are still poisoning my happiness.

I think I will have to cut the final ties (not actually hard, just not make that once every 4 months phone call) but somehow it is hard to actually do it.

It may be hard because by cutting off completely you will be finally admitting to yourself that your parents will never give you the love you deserved. It's so, so hard.

I'm sorry you have to face this.

WHat Belle said, finally deciding to do the cut does feel very final when you make the decision, even though they don't know it, but it does get easier, I promise. It's almost liek grieving for a bit tbh, for the relationship you wish you had and the time you have wasted trying to get them to be actual proper parents.

I am so sorry, and I feel for you but I am further down the road and feel so much happier not having him posioning every little achievement or thing I do.

You know it is the right thing to do though. If you feel yourself wavering come back on here so we can tell you you are doing the right thing.

Kaffi, I am so so sorry about your awful parents

I do think you should cut them out, really. they are TOXIC and whilst it would be tough to start as time progresses, it will get loads better

You say: now I'm nearly 40 and they are still poisoning my happiness.

Thats enough. And I almost pity the siblings in their good books as they will always be caught up in their weird shit

Please, CUT THEM, people on here will support you

Iagree with the advice that you should stop all contact with your parents. I understand how you feel as my dad abused me but not my 2 younger sisters. I have cut all contact with my parents and my sisters think I am in the wrong. They do not recognise at all that I am justified in cutting ties with my parents because they abused me. So I have also had to greatly reduce contact with my sisters too which leaves me with no 'family' apart from DH and my DC's.

There is no denying it is very hard to cut ties with one's parents (and siblings) even whilst knowing they have always abused and mistreated you and continue to do so.

BUT, I have never once regretted my decision and only wish I had had the courage and insight to have cut ties earlier than I actually did. (I cut ties when I was 36, am now nearly 40).

It is only because I cut all ties with my parents that I have been able to heal and recover from the damage they did to me and I am on my way to becoming a whole, healthy and happy person.

The anger you feel is normal and should not be ignored or suppressed. You are right to feel angry at your parents, they have treated you appallingly, they deserve your anger and hatred. You do need to 'safely' vent your anger though, and ensure it does not get directed at those who do not deserve it.

Please take a look at the Stately Homes thread in Relationships, you will find a lot of excellent support, help and advice there.