think i am losing control

[needtosortlife]

have namechanged for this but am a regular.
had brief affair with an ex (love of my life, don't think i was his!!!) have major guilt over all of it, lost loads of weight and for a while had huge midlife crisis, felt really good about myself and basically became a self absorbed selfish bitch, kids and dh didnt really seem to take much notice, or so i thought!! anyway without going on and on with all the details, i stated to drink quite alot, everynight after work i am really desp for that first drink. ex goes quiet for months tehn rears ugly head again, i go stupid, and go out get very drunk, and today in the cold light of it all, have finally realised i need help :-( i think if im really honest, i do have mental health issues, but dr is crap and just hands out anti deps, i can not afford councilling and wouldnt know where to start anyway.
i know i have to get rid of ex but just cant seem to do it, but when i drink, the feeling just take over and i tell myself i want him. my poor husband is such a good man, but does put me down quite alot, he says its a joke but i take everthing to heart, mainly about looks and weight (weight is a life long issue!!!!) he says i am to sensitive, we rowed alot but it seems to have settled latly and i am really really trying, kids are happy and i was doing well but ex contacting me again has thrown me right back down again. how the hell to i stop all this pain, and how do i stop drinking . im sorry for typos and going on, just dont know what to do anymore

Poor you.

You could go to the AA. It is free I imagine. Tell your DH not to make jokes at your expense. Tell him joke or not, you cannot handle it right now. Ask the dr for free counselling (although it may take a while).Also get rid of the ex or you will end up losing your DH and possibly your kids. He is not worth it.You sound like you have major self esteem issues and you are using the ex as a kind of 'pick me up' but he will only drag you down more in the long run. Good luck x

i think that is right, i do like the attention, allbeit a virtual relationship, i only saw him once months ago, all contact is via email, he avoids meeting up!!!!! spoke to dh yesterday about coments, told me i am being stupid and learn to take a joke. i would like to seek councilling but dont know how to go about it, dr as i mentioned, not interested,. the drinking, i have stopped from last week, i miss it but dont want to go aa so will try to do it myself. feel so exhausted, dont know what the hell to do anymore.

AA is indeed free and works for many people.

Why not give it a go, at least while you're waiting for a better idea to hit you? Why is it you "don't want to go" - have you tried it before? What went wrong?

Happy to tell you more if you are interested.

Not aiming to frighted you, but it sounds like you're already "trying to do it yourself". Be honest - is that working for you?

just think i would like some counciling other than aa. im scared though, what does councilling involve, dont know where to start. i know i have loads and loads of issues, have always known, just know i want to deal with them now. is there anything i can do online, without actually having to SEE someone x

Depends on what sort of counselling it is. Mainly, you talk, they listen. Without even realising it, you find yourself identifying problems and coughing up solutions. It can appear like magic (this is just my own personal and highly limited expereince.)

However, in the same way as you wouldn't go to a gynaecologist for a broken ankle, there is really no guarantee that a counsellor will be able to help you with a drink problem. You may even find that the counsellor advises you to address your drink problem separately as the self-justification and lack of honesty endemic in problem drinkers can prevent counselling from being effective.

You still haven't really said why you don't want to try AA - just restated that you would like something different. Obviously, this is entirely your affair, but it sounds like you are scared of AA for some reason - what exactly is it you're afraid will happen if you do go?

Hi Needtosortlife, sorry you are going through this. Your ex is using you and you should really put a stop to it. I would certainly recommend counselling as it will help you address your issues and deal with them rationally. I have been on several counselling sessions via my workplace and they were fantastic and helped me to deal with my self esteem issues etc. Seeing someone face to face will be much better IMHO. Why dont you want to see someone face to face? The counsellors are not there to judge you but to help. Good luck in whatever you decide

MIFLAW, maybe OP doesnt want to face up to the fact that she is an alcoholic. Unfortunately there is still a stigma attached to it, but in reality it is an addiction like any other. SOme people are addicted to food, drugs etc, some are addicted to alcohol. The first point of recovery is to face up to your demons and work at it slowly until you rebuild yourself.

So true. Not for me to say whether or not she is alcoholic, though.

I can, however, reassure her that the stigma is almost totally aimed at the still suffering (i.e. drinking) alcoholic rather than the recovering alcoholic.

I can also promise her that, if she has a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, there is no problem in her life that a drink will not make even worse.

Also, while in no way endorsing her husband's "jokes" around her weight and appearance, alcohol abuse is no beauty treatment and, at the same time, destroys self-esteem and self-confidence.

OP, I urge you to address your alcohol use as a separate issue, rather than hoping that counselling will one day "solve" it. My own experience is that AA can be very effective and I recommend it unreservedly, but there are, of course, alternatives.

I get the pull of an ex you have strong feelings for as I seem to be fighting them on a weekly basis sometimes. Some times it is much easier and other times I just fail.

I think one thing at a time for you, needtosort, and I would suggest the drinking. Could you go cold turkey or start by 1 less drink per night?

You need to explain to your husband that being mean about your weight is not going to help and could make you eat more. You need support, not criticism.

I wish you luck.

Have you asked your GP about CBT?
It can be helpful for addictions.

You can get email and phone counselling through RELATE.

Just google.

thanks for all the comments

purlepeony, what is CBT ?

I am really not avoiding the drink issue, but i really dont think it is yet at a point where i need aa. i have stopped, and i do not intend to start again. i do have lots of issues as i said, i have an addictive nature, whatever i start, ie food, dieting, ex! i get obsessed with, i never thought anything of this until a friend pointed it out!!! she is right, i wouldve, until recently done anything for ex, but he has let me down so much, by lies etc that i knw it was never menat to be, but i cant stop the contact................just yet, i will though, i know. i just feel so worthless, i know dh means nothing when he makies the comments, but i hate them, he always jokes about the things i have issues with. i am rambling again, sorry. i havew no energy, motivation or aim in life. i am mid 40s and just feel like there is nothing to look forward to. i am not clever, have no qualifications, so couldnt even change career lol. i just want it all to go away and to feel normal.
p.s re seeing someone face to face, i supose i just feel silly sitting infront of a stranger, another hangup lol

sorry

Cogntive Behavioural Therapy. It is like counselling but more focused on behaviour change. You migh t be able to get it on the NHS- see your GP.

I completely understand where you're coming from OP - I have an ex who I've remained platonic friends with until the last few weeks. I know he using me and I know I should break contact (we are treading a fine line, though are not as yet having a physical affair) but I find it incrediby hard - like you it is an addiction and like you I turn to drink to deal with the feelings, which of course end up actually more heightened.

What are the issues you think you want/need to deal with first? If you know you can stop drinking (and I mean try it by actually stopping, I knwo you've said you have already) then it probably symptomatic of the other things you are feeling - but you need to combat why you turn to drinking on order for that not to become the problem.

Also if alcoholism takes over then that will be the issue you have to oevrcome, rather than having the headspace to deal with the issues that cause it - so I understand why you think AA may not be the bext course of action yet.

You ca literally do searches onlines for therapists in your area. In London the general cost is £30-40 session but many do a sliding scale for those who can't afford it. Most also let you ahve first session free, because it's such a personal thing to choose a therapist, you may end up seeing a few before you settle on the right one.

CBT sounds like it would be a really good choice for you, so ask therapists about it.

The other option is see another doctor if yours is just thrusting AD's on you. Tell them you are worried about the repercussions of it turning into alcoholism. Waiting list for NHS therapy are unbelieveable (I ended up attempting suicide before I was finally given one) but it depends on the area and the need.

Good luck - it is a struggle, there are many of us out there with addictive personalities, not that I'm condoning the contact with the ex, but I do understand.

addictive personality is what i think it is. i also know i crave attention, but dont understand y really, dh is very kind and can be affectionate, though its more gropping than cuddling, which i really dont want at the moment. kids are very tactile. i hate going to a pub/bar etc and not drinking as i feel people are judging me, i supose it gives me confidence, but yes it does make the ex get in my head more when ive been drinking.
i am obsessed with my weight, lost loads cos of ex stress and desperatly dont want it back on again. i supose waht it is and this sounds very shallow, but i just want to loved, pathetic ha! i never felt my m and d loved me as much as my db, but i think it is just they did not talk about such things. i will search info on councilling x

"i hate going to a pub/bar etc and not drinking as i feel people are judging me, i supose it gives me confidence" - I can assure you (and I speak from genuine experience here) that strangers will not give a flying fuck whether you are drinking or not in the pub. The ycertainly will not judge you. If they do, it is highly likely that they are uncomfortable about their own drinking.

I have to say that you do not sound particularly confident, so perhaps drinking does not really do much for you at all? Otherwise, surely drinking would solve all your problems and you wouldn't feel the need for counselling?

I have a colleague who has stopped drinking after being put to a clinic, she had no choice. She was initially going in for two weeks but once there they wanted her to stay for six. She insisted she was leaving after two weeks which she did. The next day she was back drinking and blamed the fact that they didn't let her stay for six weeks. She blamed people for mentioning alcohol, she blamed her sister for being angry with her. The point I am making is that she refused to take responsibility for herself. It was easier to blame everything else. In your case the ex and your husband for making comments. Can you honestly say you are not making excuses to take responsibility for you. I wish you all the best.