What do I do about not fancying DH any more?

[bearhunt]

Well, the thread title just about says it all. We've been together 11 years, had DS 17 months ago and our sex life has been complete crap for as long as I can remember.

DH has never been the initiator. We do have peaks and troughs - obviously we had to conceive! - but it's been over two months since we last had sex and I have now stopped wanting to.

This makes me feel very ashamed and shallow but DH has put on a shit load of weight in the last couple of years and I just don't find him attractive any more. Last time we had sex he started off on top and I found myself unable to breathe because of the weight of him on my chest which has put me off even more.

We went to Relate for months last year because our marriage was on the rocks. I found a load of photos of one of his colleagues in her underwear on his phone and hundreds of flirty conversations on his facebook between the two of them and we separated for a couple of months. I suppose this hasn't done much for my self-esteem but it seemed as though we were over it. After all the counselling we were OK and our sex-life picked up but it has gradually dwindled down to nothing again.

I would add that I do love DH. I would never ever cheat on him and our marriage is pretty strong now despite everything. I haven't really talked to him about sex for a long time; whenever I do he obviously takes it as an insult to his pride and gets all defensive and we end up having an argument.

So. Any words of wisdom from anyone who's been through similar or who is still fucking their DH senseless 4 times a week after 15+ years?!

When I was in a similar situation a wise friend of mine told me that a bad relationship is 99% about sex and a good realationship is 1% about sex.
If things are difficult the sex thing does blow out of all proportion. So perhaps you need to conisder if there are other issues but you are just focusing on this one.
I think as a married couple your dh is more than a lover. All the elements of what he is e.g friend, provider, decorator, tv companion (obvioulsy I am just guessing his roles)are important. Try to view these roles as being equal to his one as lover then perhaps you can get a better perspective. If you love him then there is everything to play for. I hope you can focus on the positive and that this is just another trough that will soon lead to a peak for you.

No advice but on your last note I would still do mine senseless 4 times a week after 9 yrs if it wasn't me who had become slightly portly in recent years.

Thank you both. I expect I am obsessing about the one aspect of our relationship that doesn't live up to my expectations.

And it's probably as a result of our not getting enough time on our own - I have a job that entails me working long hours - and we are up to our ears in debt so we just haven't got the cash to do things like go out to dinner while someone babysits DS when I'm not working in the evenings.