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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

confused

10 replies

misstilly · 08/05/2010 00:51

Hi i am new on here and was hoping for some advice.

I have been with DH for nearly 8 years married just under a year and recently have started getting really frustrated with him. Our main problem is that we only have sex once or twice a week, i have a higher sex drive and want to have sex more than this.

A couple of months ago (after a couple of drinks) i admitted to a work colleague i really liked him and we kissed. I now cant stop thinking about him. I love DH, we have a good life, he is kind loving and generous and am satisfied in every aspect except sex I cannot see myself with the man from work long term as we are complete opposites, whereas DH is everything I wanted.

My problem is i dont feel connected with DH anymore, we are about to start ttc and although this is what i want a small part of me wants fun and excitement. I know nothing will ever some of me and OM but cannot get him out of my mind. Fantasies of me being pg are now competing with fantsies of seeing him again (i rarely see him as work around the country).

I'm not sure what i am expecting from this or what i am asking other than peoples advice and help.

OP posts:

Tortington · 08/05/2010 00:54

you have a good relationship but the sex is shit and you havent got any children yet?

then dontt bring kids into it yt fgs. having god sex is petty standard needs stuff for most people

Original poster

misstilly · 08/05/2010 00:57

But is sex once or twice a week normal? I have always had a high sex drive and thought most men did too until the last couple of yeras. Am i being too demanding? we both have full time demanding jobs.

OP posts:

Tortington · 08/05/2010 01:01

it is for me...if im lucky...but then i been married for 21 years

thumbwitch · 08/05/2010 01:08

Everyone has different sex drives. Has your DH's always been at this level? Or has it recently declined? If the latter, then finding out why it has declined would be a good idea. If the former, then you knew what you were in for when you got married.

I agree with Custy - bringing DC into a situation that is already starting to look precarious is a very bad idea.

Talk to your DH - explain your needs - ask him if there is any problem that makes him less inclined - and do all this before you even think about having DC.

Original poster

misstilly · 08/05/2010 01:08

ok, thanks for posting, think we need to talk a bit before we ttc. I am very open about these things, unfortunately he isnt, not against religion but he was brought up catholic and i still get the impression he thinks sex is something dirty and nasty, and is really embaressed to talk about it.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 08/05/2010 01:10

well if he won't talk about it to you then there is always the sex therapist option - can't see him being keen on that, so it might be better for him to talk to you about it.

Original poster

misstilly · 08/05/2010 01:11

not always been likes this, first couple of years was great but since we have both worked full time and bought a house etc it has declined. I do think he has a low sex drive though, it hasnt changed recently and when we have time together such as holidays it always perks up!

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 08/05/2010 01:14

so he is affected by tiredness and stress but you aren't? That's the way it seems anyway. However, "relief" outside the marriage is not the way to solve your problem.

Have the talk, see if he can maybe increase to every other day (which is good for ttc anyway) but with no blame attached if he can't. Pressure to perform more often than he feels like it can be counterproductive, so you need to create a compromise you are both happy enough with.

BitOfFun · 08/05/2010 01:48

Sex once or twice a week after eight years does not strike me as being too bad, tbh. Perhaps you are both in a bit of a rut, but it won't be solved by you getting your rocks off elsewhere.

What are you doing to keep things special?

SolidGoldBrass · 08/05/2010 02:16

Is it any good when you get it, though? I am just wondering because of your comment that you think he thinks sex is 'dirty' which would kind of suggest that not only is he reluctant to do it but doesn't actually do it with much enthusiasm when it does happen. So maybe you are constantly wanting more in the hope that this time will be better.
ANd FWIW twice a week is pretty good going when you have mismatched libidos - when one of you would like sex every day/night and the other would prefer to do it about once a month, then you will have to compromise if you want to stay together, because neither of you is wrong, and neither of you is 'right' enough to be entitled to make the other person accept your view of how often sex should happen.

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