Do you need to like your husband's friends?

[curiositykilledhaskittens]

Just that really? Is it important? What about if you really, really object to some of them and their principles and don't want to socialise with them at all?

Depends why they're friends I suppose. If DH had a friend from nursery or something and they still thought of themselves as friends but had turned out very differently that would be one thing and not liking that sort of friend wouldn't be an issue at all.

Disliking DH's best friend/best man type friend when they'd met later and properly 'chosen' each other as friends is another and more serious issue.

Hmm, they are uni friends and fairly close. They live in London and us oop north. The ones I dislike, 4 or five of them, have very right wing views and decadent lifestyles. We have four children but they will not have children at any events. They ask DH to holiday abroad with them and he has told me that a few of them use prostitutes/lap dancing clubs on these drinking holidays.

Should mention I have a thread the same in chat too btw.

No, why would you? If your friends live some distance away then you probably travel as a couple to see them, but if they are local it's easy for me to see my friends without my husband and vv.
I wouldn't holiday with his friends if I didn't like them, but that's not really arisen.
I don't really see enough of his friends to like or dislike them. Different if they were always coming round, but he tends to go out with them, and isn't really into the "all lads together" type of friendship, but then we are in our 40s.
I suppose if his best friend was a stock broker Tory with racist, sexist views it would make me wonder about my husband's personality as it would make me wonder why he chose to be friends with someone like that. Blokes probably feel the same about their wive's friends though. If I was friends with a needy, hysterical drama queen who was never off the phone my husband would probably wonder what the attraction was, and perhaps whether I was suppressing that side of myself.

Give it a few years and they will probably have found themselves wives/girlfriends who make them change their ways!
In the meantime, I'd say no, you don't have to like them, but you do have to respect your DH's choice of friends and let him see them - don't see that that has to include you though.
One of my favourite girl chums (now happily married) had some truly vile boyfriends, one of who I found so odious that I would leave her house if he turned up. I didn't try to persuade her what a twonk he was and she soon realised too, but I couldn't pretend to like him.
Luckily I like most of DP's friends, but there are one or two that I find a bit of a pain...

Hmm.. they are already married!! They go away to cheat on their wives!! Although he says this has not happened for a while. There are no trust issues between me and him, it is more that I don't really want to be associated with them, their views or their behaviour and secondly I worry about my husband being involved with them. The vast majority of his friends I either share (we met through mutual friends) or get on well with but a few are the 'tory stock broker' type.

He is very tolerant of other people, including me. He respects my feelings and would go with whatever I decided but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be sad if I said he had to go and visit them without me as he wants me to come (it involves staying overnight in london). So, basically I have to decide whether my principles and dislike of them and their morals is more important than letting my husband go without me and that making him sad...

I have wondered why he is friends with people like that too... I feel a bit frustrated by it but I suspect it is just because they never speak about politics and the attitudes are so prevalent in his old decadent london life that he doesn't really notice them or get offended whereas I do and they make me feel uncomfortable... Is me saying he should go on his own just a cop out really?

They sound like a lovely bunch! (not) - arses.
Mmmm, I'm not quite sure what to say now - I had in mind a group of immature men who might grow out of it, but I think I'm wrong.
I have met the type so I think I know where you're coming from.
If they don't meet too often, can you bear going along, or, and this is a bit underhand, are these friendships you could discourage a bit over time? Keep the social diary busy with the mutual friends you both like...

They are not friends we see very often - just for weddings or invites for him to go abroad. I couldn't really discourage the friendships and wouldn't really want to because they are very good friends of his. He is just extremely liberal and capable of being friends with people who live lives he doesn't agree with - something I wish I could do but fail miserably at. I don't want him to go away with them if there is a possibility they are behaving as I've described, they also apparently 'used to' take coke... If they are taking coke through customs, getting wasted and visiting prostitutes I don't want my husband anywhere near it! Don't think it is worth it just for an expensive holiday for just him.

Does he know you feel like this?

Yeah, we've had several discussions about it each time we get an invite to something. He sometimes forgets we are married and agrees to go on something, has a hissy fit about me stopping him and then agrees with me when he calms down. It's an issue again right now, partly because the extremities of their political leanings have been unmasked by the general election and we have been invited to one of their weddings in july. They ummed and ahhed about whether children would be allowed, said it was ok so we booked a family holiday to follow the wedding and then changed their minds. I now don't want to go to the wedding and we could say I am looking after the children without raising suspicion but DH doesn't want to go without me or miss the wedding.

Forgets we are married ...
I think you're justified in sticking by your guns on this one, DH needs to see things from your perspective too. Weddings/kids is often a touchy one, but to say yes, and then no, once you've made plans to go (presumably involving travel and expense for accomodation) is unreasonable and selfish.
I don't think your DH is being particuarly reasonable to put you in this position either. Why should you have to go and feel uncomfortable?
Without meaning to sound too judgy - your DP needs to learn he's part of a couple and with issues like these London chumps, he should give you the courtesy of discussing plans with you before making a commitment to them.
My DP has a hobby (a life long passion) that can be time consuming and involve trips away but he always asks me first and from that position we discuss what is fair and reasonable - I don't want to stop him doing something he loves, but I'm not going to be a mug about it either.

He only forgets we are married in that we have only been married just over a year and he often forgets he needs to consider me in his decisions before he gives people their answers. He doesn't forget to be faithful or anthing, he's extremely upstanding as a person and moral. Plus he lived on his own for 12 years before we got together - all things considered he's doing fairly well at considering me I think! lol

I totally get what you are saying about being a mug. That is my feeling but I didn't want to ride roughshod over his feelings over something which was actually a small issue. It seems the consensus however is it is not really a small issue and I can say I don't want to be involved with them and let him be sad!

If you don't like them then don't spend time with them, however, if DH wants to stay friends with them then let him. Don't make a big issue out of it. Just say, they're not you're cup of tea and you have plenty of other friends you would rather spend time with. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if he told you who you could and couldn't be friends with.

I don't really like the wife of one of DH's friends. Every time I see her she just irritates the hell out of me so I made a conscious decision to take a step back and limit my contact. I rarely see her if at all now. To start with, DH didn't have a clue what my problem was but now he has seen the light and tends to see said friend on his own (minus wives!). It suits me just fine!

Life is too short to spend time with people you don't like.

I agree that if you don't like them then let your husband go alone. I'm not into martyring myself, so wouldn't go and see my husband's friends if I don't like them and wouldn't expect him to see mine. If he does like them it seems a shame for him to lose touch because you don't like them. I don't believe that just because you marry someone you have to go everywhere as a twosome. If one of my friend's husbands didn't like me I'd rather we went out just together than she dragged him along.
I wouldn't be happy with the holiday thing though, if they see prostitutes/ strippers etc.

I wonder if this is part of him getting used to being a grown up bloke who considers other people... he hasn't quite broken the thread with his younger self who had the freedom to be a bit laissez faire and thoughtless. Sometimes the very fact that you ARE taking on more responsibilty makes you more loathe to let go of stupid friendships that represent a different age to you because to cut the thread completely would mean you really are Responsible now.

I agree it's a bit that somebody you care about could even contemplate friendship with such a bunch of knobs but loyalty is forged in different ways when you're young and carefree and sometimes hard to let go [she says trying to give him benefit of doubt]. Hopefully he will change - or they will.

Not sure they'll change, or him to be honest! I don't think anyone is asking anyone to change, i just don't particularly want to socialise with these particular ones and he would like me to! Plus there are a couple within the group i do really like. Dh is very loyal and quite liberal and very responsible, most of the time, i think he doesn't feel inclined to try and change them and doesn't feel the same about guilt through association as me. I think the crux of it is that my morality is important to me and i do have a right to ask him to respect that and go on his own.

You trust your DP so i don't see the proble with you not attedning some invites if you really don't want to. Not liking some of your partners friends is not unusual imo. I don't like some of dh, luckily they are not close friends however they are also very good friends with bil (who if he were a freidn would be the one i dislike the most)

Separation is not a problem to me, I think it's a bit of a problem to him. He likes to spend time together and he dislikes having to be away overnight to see them without me and the children. Also, he likes them and he wants me to like them, he will be a bit sad if I vocalise a dislike of them. Also, I don't want to put him in a position where he has to choose between me and them which is realistically what might happen if I reject them. But yes, I find them and their choices/lives so offensive I think I feel justified, after this thread too, in saying it is best if I stay out of things.

I think you prob have to articulate without emotion what you dislike about their views and behaviour (putting it in that sense, rather than what you dislike about THEM) and make it clear that it is uncomfortable for you to be with them for that reason, so you're going to opt out. I hear that it is possible for married couples to get along fine when they have extremely different political views, which seems about as personal as it gets to me, so he should be able to cope with the fact you don't like his friends. Sounds like it's time he grew up rather than wanting everything about him and his choices to be loved all the time