Having counselling alone this morning- really nervous. Am I doing the right thing?

[wheresmypaddle]

I have arranged a counselling session for myself for this morning. The lady I have found is a psychotherapist and a counsellor.

I am so so nervous about it. I don't know where to start with explaining what's wrong. I have had a poor relationship with DP/EXDP for some time and after I tried to tackle the issues he walked out us (we have a 3yo DS)2 weeks ago.

Its a long story but I felt quite confident that I was justified in asking DP for more support- both financially and practically. He is not abusive but there was so much scope to improve our relationship........

Anyway since he left I have been feeling so so guilty and have been doubting whether I did the right thing. I have been thinking of all the good stuff and that maybe he was not so bad and that I am the one who has problems- that is most certainally the way he sees things. I have asked him for a proper talk and tried to apologise but he says he thinks its too late and needs time.

I don't know if I have done the right thing, I can't trust my judgement. I really wish we could resolve things but realise that is possibly not for the best.

I am tempted to cancel the appointment- I can barely afford it and I don't know what I think, or what to do so the therapist probably won't be able to help anyway.

Should I go- will she think I am a lost cause because I am so muddled??

Please go if you can. You've taken a huge step making the appointment - that's a huge hurdle got through and you've been courageous.

Counsellors don't judge; they are they to support you in clarifying your own thoughts and reaching decisions or working out things you'd like to change in your life. Usually if the relationship with the counsellor is good you will come out stronger, more confident and less anxious - that's the idea anyway, and with the tools to cope well on your own.

It's very hard going to talk to a stranger about your worries, but remember that you are the customer and he/she is there to support you in a safe space.

Good luck and come back and tell us how it went.

one appointment wont help that much... but at least you'll be able to talk about everything properly and hear an opinion from a different person... if you can go, c what happens, at least i would...

I don't think is only your fault it never is it's not fair on you that our DP won't talk to you about it, you need to talk to someone...

Please do go, you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. Give it a chance, it may not be for you but at least you will have tried.

Counsellors are used to people feeling nervous and they are skilled at what they do. Good luck.

You should go, it will help clarify and unmuddle you confused feelings, maybe not on the first meeting but subsequently. At least you will have made a start.

The counsellor I saw welcomed me, put me at my ease, explaining the process and asked me why I felt I needed to see her.

Like you I didn't know if it would help but I was willing to try anything as I was in such turmoil.

She then asked me to tell her about what had happened, and it all came out amid a torrent of tears.

All the time she recorded our session so that when I saw her a week later she was able to recall in detail my situation and pose valuable questions for me.

The aim is not for them to solve your problems but for them to facilitate solution finding for yourself.

I looked at my relationship from different angles and it did help me put things in perspective.

I attended 4 sessions and then the counsellor and I agreed that I was making such progress that we would only get together again should I feel the need.

I haven't been for 6 weeks, good I think, but never say never.

Thank you everyone for encouraging me to go.

I was so nervous but she was lovely and put me at ease. I sort of felt like she 'knew' what she was doing.

Everything came out as a jumbled mess but I think she got the gist of it. The session went so quickly, I couldn't believe it when it was over.

She suggested we look at why I am not feeling very angry about some aspects of my relationship with DP (?EXDP?) and also about some other things. She seemed to think it was not 'right' that I was not more angry and that looking at that might really help me get to grips with things and unmuddle myself. I guess I can see where she is coming from but I heve never thought getting angry was helpful?!!

Anyway, I am glad I went and am hopeful that she might be able to help me help myself.

Am going to have a snoop around old threads to see if anyone has posted about supressed anger.

glad you went wheresmypaddle - you are very brave to overcome your fears this morning.

I imagine she is looking at the way you may have disconnected from your feelings - if you have never felt angry about the situation you might have cut yourself off emotionally because it is painful to let yourself feel it all. Sometimes the only way out of these things is to experience the feelings in a safe environment and then get past them. on the other hand maybe you are not the sort of person who gets angry much? maybe you feel upset rather than angry/ She may also be trying to work out how your tend to react to things in order to help you process your feelings.

Sounds like it got off to a good start anyway. It's very important to feel comfortable with your counsellor and it seems like it was a good match and you felt confident in her abilities.

Well done, Paddle! I'm glad you found a nice and wise counsellor. Of course you will feel muddled if you're not always that aware of your feelings - though it happens a lot, especially in stiff-upper-lip cultures like ours.
It looks like you're well on your way to un-muddling yourself

As a start, maybe you'd like this page on the Mind website

Thank you itesgraceagain and thirtysomething. I have actually printed out that link as it looks very interesting.

Having had a chance to think about what the counsellor said I think I am the type of person who tries not to get angry and to just accept and deal with things instead. I guess deep down I feel that "nice people" don't get angry!! I think I am 'in touch' with emotions as I do tend to get upset- its just the anger bit that is missing.

She hinted that maybe if I let myself feel anger about some of the things that have happened with DP I may get more clarity about the way I feel about the situation. I am very scared that this means I am going to have a realisation that he is a prat and I am better off without him- although if indeed that is the case I suppose its time I accepted it!!

I wonder how she is going to suggest I get this anger out- I hope she's not going to get a punch bag out.

I'm glad you felt the session went well. Like you, I have just started counselling for the first ever time and was really daunted. I have had two sessions now. It was such a relief to get it all out of my system! I don't know about you, but I felt exhausted afterwards.

Funnily enough, my counsellor is also trying to get me in touch with my anger, because I think she thinks it will help me to get stronger and to stand up to my h. (our trouble revolves around his infidelity over a number of years). But I find it really hard! I get a flash of anger where I actually feel great, but it dies down again really quickly. Like you I think, my instincts are to feel that I must accept and adapt to any given situation rather than fight against it.

I am trying hard this week to try to remember how I feel when i do get angry and to hold on to it.

My lady is now challenging me to identify what it is I really want - from the sessions and from life I guess. As she says, I'm not there just to have coffee with her. But it is difficult and i think that after 20 years of being with my h, I have lost the ability to identify what it is I really want (as opposed to what he wants, or wants me to want, or what the kids want!). I don;t know if you feel the same?

If you manage to find your anger, will you let me know? And I will do the same!!

Very best of luck with all of this - you really are not alone.

wheresmy and mrs jellicle - I can really identify with your "lost" anger.

After a year of counselling I finally connected with mine (over childhood abuse and subsequent rape). It was really difficult to get through those weeks to be honest, but really worth it as I feel like I've finally dealt with and let go of stuff; I'll never get over it but it doesn't drage me down and make me anxious all the time any more. I feel I can now choose to get on with my life and to cut out anyone who makes me feel the way I used to. It has helped me feel more "grown up" as well.

Good luck both of you - it's really not an easy road to travel but the benefits far outweigh the difficulties en route IMHO.

Mrs jellicle thanks for your post. I will certainally let you know if/how I find my anger. I don't know if its a coincidence but this morning, the day after my session, for the first time since DP left I woke up at a reasonable time (has been the crack of dawn), without feeling anxious.

The anger thing has been whirling round in my mind and the idea of 'admitting' some of the stuff I could/should get angry about is pretty scarey. I have been thinking of some of the stuff my over-stressed mum put me through as a child (she's mostly wonderful now), and its like peeping through a door I would rather not open (sorry if that sounds a bit wierd).

I can identify with what you say about not knowing what you truly want and finding it hard so seperate your wants from DH's and DC's. Maybe finding your anger will help you find you- I think that's what my lady is aiming at also (sounds a bit mumbo-jumbo like, but makes so sense also).

Thirtysomething- thank you so much for your wisdom and encouragement. I am so sorry to hear you had such wrong things happen to you as a child and think you are really brave to tackle them and to use your experiences to help others.

Mrs jellicle thanks for your post. I will certainally let you know if/how I find my anger. I don't know if its a coincidence but this morning, the day after my session, for the first time since DP left I woke up at a reasonable time (has been the crack of dawn), without feeling anxious.

The anger thing has been whirling round in my mind and the idea of 'admitting' some of the stuff I could/should get angry about is pretty scarey. I have been thinking of some of the stuff my over-stressed mum put me through as a child (she's mostly wonderful now), and its like peeping through a door I would rather not open (sorry if that sounds a bit wierd).

I can identify with what you say about not knowing what you truly want and finding it hard so seperate your wants from DH's and DC's. Maybe finding your anger will help you find you- I think that's what my lady is aiming at also (sounds a bit mumbo-jumbo like, but makes so sense also).

Thirtysomething- thank you so much for your wisdom and encouragement. I am so sorry to hear you had such wrong things happen to you as a child and think you are really brave to tackle them and to use your experiences to help others.

Mrs jellicle thanks for your post. I will certainally let you know if/how I find my anger. I don't know if its a coincidence but this morning, the day after my session, for the first time since DP left I woke up at a reasonable time (has been the crack of dawn), without feeling anxious.

The anger thing has been whirling round in my mind and the idea of 'admitting' some of the stuff I could/should get angry about is pretty scarey. I have been thinking of some of the stuff my over-stressed mum put me through as a child (she's mostly wonderful now), and its like peeping through a door I would rather not open (sorry if that sounds a bit wierd).

I can identify with what you say about not knowing what you truly want and finding it hard so seperate your wants from DH's and DC's. Maybe finding your anger will help you find you- I think that's what my lady is aiming at also (sounds a bit mumbo-jumbo like, but makes so sense also).

Thirtysomething- thank you so much for your wisdom and encouragement. I am so sorry to hear you had such wrong things happen to you as a child and think you are really brave to tackle them and to use your experiences to help others.

Mrs jellicle thanks for your post. I will certainally let you know if/how I find my anger. I don't know if its a coincidence but this morning, the day after my session, for the first time since DP left I woke up at a reasonable time (has been the crack of dawn), without feeling anxious.

The anger thing has been whirling round in my mind and the idea of 'admitting' some of the stuff I could/should get angry about is pretty scarey. I have been thinking of some of the stuff my over-stressed mum put me through as a child (she's mostly wonderful now), and its like peeping through a door I would rather not open (sorry if that sounds a bit wierd).

I can identify with what you say about not knowing what you truly want and finding it hard so seperate your wants from DH's and DC's. Maybe finding your anger will help you find you- I think that's what my lady is aiming at also (sounds a bit mumbo-jumbo like, but makes so sense also).

Thirtysomething- thank you so much for your wisdom and encouragement. I am so sorry to hear you had such wrong things happen to you as a child and think you are really brave to tackle them and to use your experiences to help others.

Sorry for all the repeat postings- still getting to gripe with my blackberry which either seems to refuse to post or post several times!!

WMP - Remember I said that I wasn't surprised your DP wouldn't see a counsellor, because at some level he knew that if his behaviour was exposed to a third party, they'd see right through him?

I think that's what's happening at your counselling session. With any luck, you've landed a brilliant counsellor who is probably scratching her head wondering why on earth you didn't get angrier years ago. I hope she'll help you see that your DP is punitive and that he has a massive sense of entitlement. I really hope she'll get you to the stage when you'll be able to stand up to him and say "I'm glad you've gone".

Still think an OW is lurking, I'm afraid. Perhaps a bit of digging there might unleash some anger and closure?

WWIFN thank you for posting, yes I think that's what the counsellor may be driving at. She didnt actually say as such, but I got that impression.

Your picture of him may be right, but there were positive and good things about our relationship too and its hard to be pleased to have lost those things.

Really struggling with feeling I have done the wrong thing ATM (regarding DP)but am looking forward to my next session on Friday and am so hopeful that it might help.

I do see where you are coming from re OW. It would certainly explain his reluctance to talk etc. I have asked him outright and he says there's noone else and that he loves me too much and is far too messed up ATM for there to be??!! Have also asked friends etc. I can't be sure but I don't think there is anyone else (yet ).

Well done Paddle for overcoming your doubts and going to the counsellor.I was recommended a book called The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Pattern of Intimate Relationships by Harriet G., Ph.D. Lerner by my counsellor when we were looking at why I had suffered with depression as well as relationship problems. It has real case studies in it and may help you recognise patterns which cause you problems.I found it helpful to see that suppressed anger is a problem for quite a lot of us.