would you regard this as the warning signs for a relationship that could eventually turn abusive?

[MaBella]

DH and I have been together for 4 years and have a 7 month old baby as well as 2 children each from previous marriages.

I have suffered really badly with PND since the birth of DD and as such DH is under a huge amount of strain and stress which I totally accept.

However the last couple of times we have had disagreements he has banged the walls or the door with his fist and also had a very angry, agressive look on his face. TBH it scares me! I am not saying I am perfect or that everything I say to him is right but I think his behaviour is intimidating and unacceptable.

A big part of me is saying that this is how it begins and that I should get out now

Or am I over reacting??

There is a thread that lists these things, i will see if i can find it.

The fact that you are scared like this means there is a problem of some sorts though. You need to talk to him when everything is calm and the kids are out of the way and let him know how you feel.

Do you ahve any reason to believe he has been voilent to previous parteners?

I think you need to tell him that his behaviour is scaring you and making you feel threatened in the very place you should feel safest ie at home. If he then does nothing to change his behaviour I think you would be justified in considering whether you want to continue with the relationship.

Sorry, "justified" - not good choice of word. Basically, if you tell him he's scaring you and he ignores that, then I think you have a problem.

I'm positive that he has never been violent before to any previous partners. That will be great if you can find the thread

Does he respect you? When you argue does he call you vile names? Does he switch "suddenly"? Ruin days out? Sulk?
I've been in an abusive relationship, and on it's own, I don't think it's a sign he'll become violent unless any other signs are there. But he's scaring you, so you need to let him know, when you're not rowing. See what his reaction is to that, a decent man would take what you're saying into consideration. If you get a "It's your fault" reaction that's not good

Sorry am on my phone andcan't find it at the moment.

Is there anything else going on? Problems at work, drugs, recent death?

www.womensaccounts.com/dating_a_loser.html

try this

Sounds like he needs to discuss his anger problem but if it's isolated then you should probably be able to work through it. If he puts you down a lot and you feel like your life is dominated by him then you should really worry about future abuse.

Slight hijack of your thread but has anyone received counselling after leaving an abusive relationship? Where do you go about getting help?

Hi MaBella.
I know this will be difficult to hear but for me, I have a benchmark...it doesn't matter what a bloke does, or whether it is on some list. If I am scared by his behaviour, I get out immediately.

Sorry

doesn't always mean violence.

does show poor communication skills.

agree with above comment about telling him it scaring you in home where you should feel safe.

perhaps an anger management course on helping him deal with pent up anger would be good idea?

HanBanan, Womens aid can put you in touch with the local support facility - the refuge often has an outreach team, or a surestart centre will prob have an affiliated outreach thing going on. They have legal services, counselling, etc etc.
You just need to ring the national helpline and they'll give you all the details.

Help available at the GP, women's aid 0808 2000 247. Health visitor, police, sure start centre. Loads of help available.

To OP, look at the womens aid website where they list behaviours associated with abuse.

living your life scared of the next violent outburst is no way to live.

that's how it is once someone has demonstrated they have the capacity to get this angry with you. Even if he never does it again, you will be wondering and treading on eggshells.

Life's too short - and you'll lose respect for him fast, probably, if he continues like this.

It isn't good and he should learn more self control. However, it can be very stressful to live with someone who is seriously depressed, especially if the depression makes the person verbally aggressive (ie constant putdowns and namecalling from you to him).
Have a hard think aboutthe rest of his behaviour: is he and has he previously been kind, supportive, unselfish? Does he do his fair share of domestic work? Is he good with the baby? If he has always been inclined to see you as there to look after him and meet his needs, then it's his sense of entitlement that is triggering the aggression and he may well be heading towards more abusive behaviour.

yes it is a problem - and can be start of slippery slope - but you have mentioned significant stress factors.

you both need support.

he needs to want to learn to express himself in other ways.

tell him it scares you - if he says "yes i know i am so sorri but i dont know what to do" and you then suggest he seeks help and he says " yes you right - i will see GP and ask for counselling /help" then there is good chance...

if he says "well i can express my anger however i want" - then you have a big problem....

Not necessarily. When my DH is frustrated or upset he tends to yell and scream at inanimate objects (at such times he tends to "lose" his wallet and keys just before he needs to leave the house, for example). His anger does indeed scare me, mainly because my Dad had a very bad temper and was occasionally violent with us kids (back in the day when everyone got smacked for disobedience). But with me, my DH is the most gentle, lovely lamb alive -- I know he would never hurt me.

Tell your DP that his anger really scares you, and that he must stop, and seek help to do so if he can't do it on his own. If he's apologetic and upset with himself, you're probably OK.

Can I come at this from the other side, please?

DH is depressed. This weekend, he stood over me while I was ironing (rare, but relevant, honest) and picked apart something I'd just said, going on and on and over and over it. I asked him to stop. Then I shouted at him to stop. Then I lost it completely, swore at him in front of the kids and chucked the shirt at his head. I'm very thankful that it wasn't the iron, and I'm not sure it was anything but luck that it wasn't. Not sure which of us was more scared by that.

The thing is, I DO know it's not his fault. I love him and I think I'm normally supportive. But the pressure doesn't half build up on a partner, and some of it is sheer frustration at being unable to make things better. Should I be seeking anger counselling? Frankly, given he can't even get on the waiting list for counselling, and he's the one with the diagnosis, I don't think I'd have a hope.

This isn't really advice, is it? Sorry. Are you getting any help at all with the PND? If you have anyone you can talk to in real life, would your partner go and talk to them as well?

I think the litmus test is how he handles your concern. Tell him honestly he scares you. A decent man would be horrified that he's making you feel like that. Someone who dismisses your feelings and doesn't care that his behaviour is harmful to you (because being in fear is harm) - that's not someone you want to be around.

Worst of all is if he says it's your fault and if you do X differently then he wouldn't behave like that. Because there you have a man that is using intimidation to control your behaviour and yes, that is the start of abuse.

I don't think his ACTIONS are necessarily a red flag, but how he's making you feel (intimidated, scared etc) IS a red flag IYKWIM

it sounds to me like he is at the end of his tether, doesnt excuse him scaring you, but it is something to consider.

I think both of you need some help in dealing with feelings.

If this is out of character for him he is probably coping badly with stress, suggest you speak to him when he is calm and suggest a trip to the GP - sounds like he has a lot on his plate (and you)

I dont think anything he's done, in isoltion, is necessarily a red flag but your reaction to it - feeling frighteed and intimidated - may be.

You've been together 4 years and you should feel confident that you know what he's capable of and whether he is a risk. The fact that you have doubt suggests you have reason to think he could become violent.

You need to decide whether thats due to what you know of him and his character or if you perhaps dont feel you know him as well as you ought to.

when I get VERY VERY annoyed I have been known to hit the wall. I am not excusing it, but sometimes I cant contain my rage. DP HATES it says I am like a nuttter.

I dont think I am an abuser, but I do have anger issues

I cannot judge, but I'd imagine he is really struggling too maybe?