What would you do in this situation? 2nd Child. Long...

[MNisMyHomegirl]

Hi,

Have namechanged for this as I know someone IRL who knows my username and I don't feel ready to broach this subject with friends.

I don't know how to start this but here goes..

DP and i have been together for about 7 years. We have a DS together (he's 5) he was an unplanned surprise.

After DS was born I went on the pill, while we decided what to do with regards to contraception and possible siblings. We didn't actually get a chance to talk as we bought a house and moved. We decided that I would get the implant, so that we could enjoy DS as an 'only' ifyswim.

A few months before the implant was due to come out (implant is in for 3 years) I asked DP about having another child as I thought a 3yr gap was good. He replied something along the lines of 'now wasn't a good time' I enquired if this was due to money (we both had ft jobs and money was good) He said no, and said that even if he was a millionaire, he doesn't know if he would have another kid, but that wasn't set in stone

I wanted to talk more, to get an actual answer out of him, but he shuts down very quickly if he doesn't want to talk. So end of conversation.

So, time passed and the implant stopped working. I was late, had been very regular while on the implant. I went and bought a pg test. DP was at work when I did the test, it was a BFN

When DP got home from work, he gave me a hug and said that he hoped it would have been positive. I was seriously confused, because I was sure he would be relieved. He ended up being called back into work, so we didn't get a 'proper' chat. He ended up avoiding all chats about it for a few days, so I gave up asking.

I don't want to push him into anything, but i would like a clear answer, even if the answer is no.

So that was nearly 14months ago. A couple of days ago, I asked him about having another kid again as we are currently not using any contraception, just withdrawal.

We had been using withdrawal only since the implant - which led me to believe he was interested in having another child. I was hoping to get something sorted, because if he didn't want anymore then I'd rather not continue with using just withdrawal for contraception. Because if we did happen to conceive another child, I would rather it was not unplanned ifyswim - I don't think i am explaining myself very well here am I?

Anyway, the othetr night I said 'I want another one' - he says 'I know, I'm sorry' and I say why are you sorry - he says 'because I know you want another one and I haven't said yes' I try explaining that he doesn't NEED to say yes, I would just like an answer, and if the answer is no - I would like a reason.

He starts to say that he doesn't want to talk about it, but I say I need to know.

I ask if its about money. (only he is working ft now, i am SAHM as I was made redundant)

He says no. Then he says something like 'I would like a daughter' and I say - well are you worried about having another boy? He says he doesnt know, he thinks girls are more affectionate and that might be nice.

But then he shut down again and went to sleep.

And I haevn't been able to get him to open up about it again.

I'm

I know I am being selfish by asking him a lot since DS was born, but to be fair, I gave him a lot of space between asking him. And since he never gave me a straight answer, I didn't think of it as a closed topic.

I don't nag him about it (or at least I don't think I do)

He is not very good at opening up about his feelings, not good at expressing things. He is affectionate and caring but is unable to express his feeling in words.

I'm just terribly confused and would like opinions please

Be gentle with me

Oh andif you are still awake at this point, I thank you

I am sorry to be a bit slow but can you summarise the situation and the problem?
Your post is very long and complicated and you will get more of a response if you make it more brief

You want another child but your DP appears ambivalant?

You need to tell him you are not using contraception as you want naother child and if he doesn' the needs to use a condom and then not throw his toys out of the pram if you conceive.

What?! Is it only his decision? Stop worrying. If it happens, it happens and if he was that bothered he's be using proper protection.

Good luck

I'm sorry my post is soooo long

I tarted to ramble and got acrried away, i knew I should have stopped and edited instead of pressing post.

I know its not just his decision, but I would like to know ehere i stand.

If I really want another one but he really doesn't then we have to work something out, can't keep going as we are.

I do think that by using withdrawal only that it means he is open to having another but everytime I ask him, it appears to not be the case

Just give me a slap and tell me to grow a pair so i can have a proper conversation with him and stop him form shutting down

I wouldn't bother. He doesn't seem like he can say the words!

estuardo

She wants another child, he doesn't seem to want another, but won't give a definite answer, so she feels lost & unsure as to what is happening & doesn't feel able to move on or decide on whether to use a more reliable contraception!

OP, he does know that there is a risk with withdrawal, doesn't he? And he is happy to use that method, so in reality I don't think he can be totally against #2.

It is hard, he sounds like he wants another, but for some reason won't commit to it. I could understand a clear no, as you said, so could you.

He sounds like he is stringing you along a bit, tbh.

Don't have another baby with him. He will leave you in the lurch. If you can't even discuss it, you can't trust or rely on him. Please sort your contraception out unless you are prepared to support your ds and the currently hypohetical dc yourself, because he is not a reliable father.

he is stringing you along.

what is your relationship like otherwise? other problems too?

I want to say thanks for all your replies.

I had the best nights sleep last night. I think it was because I took the time to write evreything down(probably should have capped the essay at 150words ) It seemed to help me see things a bit clearer ifyswim

I would like to clarify that he is a reliable father, he has always been there for me and DS. I do trust him and i can rely on him, just because he can't discuss it doesn't mean he will fuck off if we conceive, he didn't when we found out we were having DS, I have no reason to suspect he would leave if it happened again.

He does know the risks of withdrawal, but seems prepared to go ahead with doing this only. Hence my confusion.

He really does have problems expressing his emotions. So, i will do my best to let him tell me in his own words and at his own pace how he feels about having another child.

He has agreed that we need to talk 'face to face' But he doesn't return home until tomorrow afternoon, so will have to wait til then.

I really want to say thanks for reading my post and taking the time, the very looooonhg time it read it and reply to me.

You say you are being selfish by asking him al lthe time. But he is being the selfish one. He won't give you an answer and that is very unfair to leave you hanging. There is obviously more going on in his mind wrt the boy/girl thing etc. He needs to open up to you about what that is. Maybe he is embarassed by his feelings. Saying he wants a girl maybe yuo will think he doesn't love your DS.

Warthog - sorry didn't see your post becuaes of my typing another mammoth post

We don't have other problems as far as I can see. What other problems were you expecting to see?

I know he loves our DS, there is no question there. He seems to think that our DS is unaffectionate, even though our DS is the type to give random kisses and cuddles at any given moment and gives us a number for how much he loves us etc.

I think DP is worried about what I will think about his choice for a girl, because I have said I would prefer another boy if we did have another as I don't seem to get on well with girls as I do with boys. I think it sprobably due to me not being evry girly myself and meeting a few 'madams' in my time.

But he gets on brilliantly with our nieces (we have three) They sit on his knee and tell him about their days and they seem to enjoy his company ifyswim

well i thought your post was fine actually - got the jist of things quite clearly. no need to apologize

i wasn't expecting to hear about any specific problems, just trying to understand more.

i think you're well within your rights to explain that you need to know because you're in limbo. it's not fair to be kept in the dark. he IS sending mixed messages.

tomorrow night, or when you're both comfortable and relaxed, just say that you would like to be able to plan your future and right now you feel in limbo. what does he think about having no. 2? i wouldn't say any more than that. no emotional stuff or more explanation. then leave it up to him to talk.

don't be tempted to fill the silence with chatter explaining yourself. just wait and give him space to talk.

he does not want to commit one way or the other but is prepared to leave it to chance.

jsut carry on and see what happens. how old are you? ie this could make a difference fertile age etc

Warthog - how did you know I fill silences with inane chatter But seriously, that does sound liek a good plan. Thanks

Cestlavie - we are both 25. I giess we are not terribly fertile

I think you need to be clear with him that you respect his opinion and would like any child you conceive to be a wanted child (by both of you) however, if he does not want a second child you both need to talk about reliable contraception.

From what you say I would be worried that you will conceive and then feel pressurised into a termination or have subsequent relationship problems if you proceed with having a baby he does not want.

He really needs to talk and take some responsibility for his actions, especially as you have already had an 'unplanned surprise' baby. You potentially have over twenty years of fertile life together to plan for so I think you need to start using relaible contraception or be prepared for a large unplanned family (which is fine if that's what you want, but not if you don't).

It sounds as if he himself is confused, and is having difficulty talking about it. he may have been genuinely upset when the test was a BFN, or he may have ben doing the easy thing, sayng what you wnated to hear - when there was no danger that you were actually pg.

Is he unconfident as a parent? By which I mean, feels he isn't doing a good job (even though he is)? I wonder why he feels your DS isn't affectionate? Does he somehow feel that he doesn't deseve the love of your DS, so projects onto him that he is unaffectionate? Is he afraid to see himself in boys / another boy?

Did he have a good relationship with his own parents when he was a child? His siblings, if any?

These may be things to gently talk to him about.

so, he is not using a particularly reliable method of contraception, and has said he doesn't want another dc.
if you to fall pregnant would you be responsible for the situation? ie "you wanted another child, i didn't"
he sounds like very hard work. is he worth it?

Hello again,

I sat down with DP and we had a chat. He has tried as best as he could to explain what is holding him back from saying yes even though he says he wants too

He was under the impression that everytime DS gave him a cuddle or kiss and said things to him like 'you're the best daddy' etc he thought I was telling DS to do and say these things to make him feel better. So this is why he thought DS was unaffectionate. He says he was scared that DS would be like him - in that he would be unable to express his feelings through words. That is why he was hesistant incase we had another boy, because he was convinced that there was something wrong with him that he would pass down to a son if yswim. That is why he was holding back from telling me why he would prefer a girl

He says he feels so much better now that he realises he was being silly in thinking that Ds wasnt affectionate.

So, to summarise - he wants another child.

So, I would like to thank folk for listening to ramble on and for the advice given.

ah brilliant!!