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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP got really, really angry at me last night. Not sure if I deserved it.

53 replies

NotifyNobody · 06/05/2010 14:38

DP and I have been living together for around 3 years. We're very similar in most ways but a huge difference between us is that he's quite tidy and protective over material things whereas I'm the opposite. I can be scruffy which I admit to and I don't look after material possessions in the way that he does but I thought we'd learnt to accept each others differences after 3 years. Anyway about 3 months ago I bought myself some nice hair straighteners. DP "set them up" for me on my bedside table in a nice little display on their stand. He did say at the time "I don't know why I'm bothering because they'll be chucked on the floor by morning" and we laughed about it.
I kept them there for a while but after a bit the novelty wore off and I just dropped them wherever I was and left them. One night he said to me "where are you straighteners?" and I said "near the side of the bed I think". He replied "where is the stand?" and I admitted that I'd lost it. He was livid. (It turned up behind the bedside table, it had just fallen behind).

A couple of days ago I bought a nice camera. DP said I "needed" a case for it. I said I wasn't that bothered but he insisted and said he would buy me one for my birthday (instead of the thing I actually wanted ) so it arrived and DP packed my camera away in the bag and "instructed" me to keep it in there again I did for a while but novelty wore off and after taking a couple of piccies in the garden last night, I left the camera on the sofa. DP found it and went ballistic, shouted, threw the camera bag at me, called me names and said I was the most annoying person he'd ever met.

I'm in two minds as to whether I deserved this TBH. I know I should be more careful but if its just MY stuff that is getting left lying around, why should it be of his concern?

Did I deserve it? I'm angry and upset at the same time.

OP posts:
Fayrazzled · 06/05/2010 15:51

I think his responses to your untidiness sounds overly aggressive and therefore unacceptable.

I also don't like the thinking of some posters that messy = lazy. I don't think it necessarily does- I think sometimes your priorities are just elsewhere. I think there is a difference between being untidy and being genuinely careless with stuff that means it gets broken.

I'm much more untidy that I used to be, but mainly it's because I'm constantly being distracted by two young children and barely get a minute to myself. I'm not lazy at all- disorganised I'd give you, but not lazy. Sounds like the OP might be the same.

Jamiki · 06/05/2010 15:52

OK, please, what is the 'boxroom'?

ASecretLemonadeDrinkerDAVE · 06/05/2010 15:59

Dh does this sometimes - bloody pisses me off. OK, I am messy, forget to put my phone away etc. and total deserve DH huffing at me when he digs out my lost phone from the toy box, and I defend my right to huff right back when he leaves his PS3 out for the DSs to attempt to play with. Maybe we are just a pair of huffy sods I still tut loudly everytime I see his (most expensive one you can buy) ipod with dog bite marks on the case

SamanthaFox · 06/05/2010 15:59

It sounds like a normal row to me, between two people who are, erm, well sorry but fairly incompatible!
Unless he has had some particular stress lately to make him behave like this - which btw is fairly unreasonable, but then, it doesn't sound abusive - yet. just very upsetting, he's acting like a child.

He could use some counselling, and you could both use a proper chat - he needs tos ee that if he lives with you he needs to accept you without stropping out.
You are just very different people.

MadreInglese · 06/05/2010 16:00

It sounds like neither of you are respecting each other or trying to understand each other's point of view - surely if you sat down and really talked about this there must be a middle ground where you could make more effort to be a little tidier and he could try to chill out a bit.

SamanthaFox · 06/05/2010 16:01

Reality was that on the right thread dear?

Boxrom fwiw is an MN troll. No idea why this would be them, though.

MadameDefarge · 06/05/2010 16:07

hully, where is the IPOAT thread? I can't find it anywhere....

Hullygully · 06/05/2010 16:08

Mimi, should be in active right now as there has been a brief flurry...

SamanthaFox · 06/05/2010 16:11

what is Ipoat? I keep seeing it everywhere.

ABitBatty · 06/05/2010 16:12

Me and my dp are a bit like this. He always says things like 'huh that will end up broken' or if I have charmed him into hanging my clothes up in the wardrobe for me, he says 'huh I don't know why I am bothering they will end up in a heap next week'. He keeps his things 'just so' and truth be told I wish I was more like him in that respect; tidy and ordered but hey ho, that's the way we are and we both live with it.

He would never get so angry at me over it. He does huff and puff about stuff but doesn't lose his temper or act aggressively.

OrmRenewed · 06/05/2010 16:14

I don't suppose you did deserve it. DH also doesn't deserve it when I lose it with him about his terminal messiness. But sometimes things get to me and I come home to chaos and it's all too much. Two people with different attitudes are bound to disagree sometimes. As long as it isn't all the time and usually you compromise, it's fine IMO.

Kewcumber · 06/05/2010 16:28

if the camera didn't come with a case then it doesn't need one. If it has an integrated lens cap or a lens cap which you put on yourself then it doesn't ned a case (unless you have it swilling aorund in the bottom on yor handbag amidst the detritus

Not putting your camera in the case that didn't come with it and which you didn't want does not make you lazy or careless but perfectly normal.

I agree though that your untidyness pprobably drives him demented and makes him over-react.

mountainmonkey · 06/05/2010 16:29

Firstly, no you didn't deserve to be treated like that. If he's upset with you he should talk to you like a rational adult rather than having a toddler tantrum. I can understand why he's upset (though he does sound a bit of a neat freak tbh). It seems like he's been trying to help you live a more orderly life and in his mind you're being ungrateful and throwing it back in his face.

Me and DP are like this too and frequently have arguments heated discussions. Usually we manage to work out a compromise (usually me going "ok!ok! I'll try and remember not to do x") and have learned to accept that we just have different personalities.

IMO what you do with your stuff is your business-if the camera itself was a gift from him then he'd maybe have a right to get upset.

specialsmasher · 06/05/2010 16:38

boxroom? troll? Why? (I mean why boxroom!)

piratecat · 06/05/2010 16:40

if you routinely lose things or break things that cost money, or have done then it must have been he thinks you don't give a shit?

noone deserves to have something thrown at them tho, but i don't know your whole situation. is this something he has done before, has he ever hurt you physically? It this the straw the broke the camels back somehow?

diddl · 06/05/2010 17:15

You don´t deserve to have something thrown at you, but my husband would be upset if he bought me something & I couldn´t be bothered to look after it.

LadyLapsang · 06/05/2010 18:21

I don't think you deserved to be treated like that but also if you have a home together then it's quite difficult if you have different attitudes to being tidy / possessions.

I would say I'm a lot more organised than DH, know where things are etc. whereas he will 'tidy' and not know where he has tidied things to which is potentially infuriating.

I would suggest you cultivate an area / room where you can put things and he will not interfere alternatively you could discuss what each of you would like and compromise e.g. I'll put my hair straighteners back on the stand if you ....etc.

skidoodly · 06/05/2010 18:40

Jesus the regulars with their embarrassingly obvious codewords on every second thread are worse than the damned trolls would be even if they were as common as these tiresome insiders appear to think.

TulipsInTheSunshine · 06/05/2010 18:48

skidoodly

OP... both me and dp are messy/disorganised/lazy... whatever word suits you best. But even we have days where the other person's chaos sends us round the twist. It doesn't make sense i know but my own mess i can cope with, another persons irritates me no end. So i can only imagine how irritating it must be to a habitually neat person to live with someone like me

I think he was BU but understandably so, iyswim?

ItsGraceAgain · 06/05/2010 19:12

Yes, yes, partners need to take each other's foibles into account and do their equal best to compromise.

I take issue, though, with him giving you an 'improving' gift (improving from HIS pov, that is) instead of what you wanted. And with the tantrumming, throwing, etc. Those are both controlling behaviours and he is out of order.

You do need to talk, and make it very clear this is a big thing. You need him to respect your own choices, even when you choose to 'disrespect' your own possessions. He needs you to understand that un-neatness makes him stressed. It would also be nice if he understood about gifts: they're supposed to give pleasure to the receiver, not the giver!

said · 06/05/2010 19:18

God, I would hate someone to set up a stand for my straighteners. Would just hate it and, yes, would deliberately not use it. It's your camera, you are free to treat it as you like. I don't blame you at all for being angry and upset

templemaiden · 06/05/2010 21:13

Hmm - I rarely use straighteners, but the home for my hairdryer IS on the floor next to my dressing table. That is where it stays when I'm not using it. Mainly because I use it every day and I CBA to put it away only to get it back out again.

My camera gets put in its case if I'm taking it somewhere, but right now it's not and probably hasn't been for about a month.

I am a bit messier than my OH but as yet em do not live together, although I stay at his house every weekend, and he stays here a couple of nights in the week. I do find myself making an effort to be tidier when he is here, but I would HATE it if he "told me off" about it.

And throwing stuff at you is totally out of line. I would have thrown it right back at him. Harder.

templemaiden · 06/05/2010 21:14

em? That should have read "we do not live together". I don't know how "we" got turned into "em".

GypsyMoth · 06/05/2010 21:18

so,op,you havent come back??

doughnutty · 06/05/2010 21:35

While I'm pretty sure you'd annoy the crap out of me I'm not in a relationship with you so my opinion matters not a jot.

However...

"You know you're in love when you've found the person you want to annoy for the rest of your life"

Not sure who said it but it works for me and DH

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