Having a bad day today....

[SpiritualKnot]

Hi, posted on here lot in the last month or so since H left me for OW. Currently divorcing. Think I'm reaching the angry stage? Am currently increasing mortgage on house by £20,000 to pay off ex H.

Got v upset with mortgage people today, who said I should take out critical illness cover at £72 a month as I could have stroke, cancer or whatever at any second. Got v upset as I'm trying to improve my life with exercise, dance, gym, eye laser surgery etc etc and don't need someone to tell me I could become seriously ill any day. Anyway she rang back and left out all that and I said I'd have to wait until I could start thinking about these things.

Other thing is that H said that things haven't been right between us for 18 years of our marriage, since first son was born ( married 19 years). This has started me thinking that we shouldn't have had the kids (also have daughter of 10yrs). So now feel that not only was the marriage a sham but also the kids are a sham as well.

I can understand being upset about the critical illness thing, but surely it isn't normal to feel like this about the kids? Feel as if I've had children by the wrong man, which means I've got the wrong kids?

Think I'm really becoming a bit crazy? Anyone else felt like this? Seeing the GP tomorrow.

SK

I am sorry, it must be so hard! Typical they try selling insurance like that to someone in your situation

Don´t worry, how you feel today is how you feel today, and you cannot discount the years before, even if you´d like to!

Don´t be hard on yourself.

ah no, don't think that about the kids.
Maybe think of it that the kids are one of the good things that came out of the marriage.
I know where you are coming from. I wish I could turn back the clock and not get married, but then I wouldn't have DS. And he is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I think you are going to have up and down days, try not to worry too much. From what I have seen on here you have been amazingly strong. Keep going, you will get through it, and look back and smile I'm sure.

Someone will be along with more practical advice soon!

Take NO NOTICE of the mortgage people....they are trying to flog you insurance...that's all. You take your time to choose what's right for you, and at those prices, if you want insurance, shop around.

Good for you doing all that stuff for yourself, don't let some poor soul's commision target throw you off course.

People say all kinds of stuff under stress. listen to your inner voice, of course you don't have the wrong children. Possibly closer to the truth is that your xh is on a guilt trip, to justify his appalling abandonement of his family. That's his problem.....NOT YOURS.

Glad you're seeing the GP, tell them, or print your post and show them, how you're feeling so that they can help you in the most effective way.

Oh and they push everyone for that critical illness, they have targets, and you are just another tick for them if you sign up. Don't worry too much, there's time to sort all the finances out.

his feelings and thoughts are his problem. let them stay with him.

you love your kids right? so they are real.

dont let his guilt trips, trip you up...

echo what everyone else is saying wrt to insuarance - look around for another quote - if you are 'ill' you probably wouldnt care about the mortgage anyway - they are just trying to scare you into spending more money.

Your h is trying to re-write history - it is a classic sign that he is deluding himself.

Of course he is going to tell ow that your marriage was a sham - the alternative is that he is a cold callous man who is easily lead into another relationship.

Or if that is what he truely believes what a weak spineless man he must be to live like that for so many years.

Either way the ow hasnt exactly got the catch has she?

Once he sees you starting to move on he will deep down feel that guilt rest assured of that.

Hope it all goes well with the GP - dont be afrtaid of AD but also of the many other ways you can lift yourself.

note,things haven't been right for HIM not you...he was a coward for not saying something sooner so that should not be your problem. Secondly, it seems you had those kids with the best of intentions so dont regret them, regret him if that makes things easier but you got beautiful kids and he can't take that away from you. If anything it seems to be he is offloading his regret at not doing something about his doubts all those years back. Be strong, you'll have plenty more days like this but if you allow it, it will get better

Thanks for the replies. Re the mortgage, feel ok about it now really. Had no idea it would be so expensive for critical illness. She did say sorry for upsetting me. Don't know why they have to be so graphic about it all.

Will speak to GP tomorrow, about the strange thing with my kids. Meant to be going back to work Monday. Really want to go back .Been off 3 weeks now. Apparently the bullies are taking over in my absence so the normal staff are keen for my return.

They delivered flowers, presents and a card to my home last week, which was lovely. But I'm so worried about going back there. On my last day before I went off sick, I couldn't get out of the car in the car park, just sat and cried and then drove home.

Think this bad day is coz I'm worried about that maybe?

SK

totally agree with what HW says

he has to try and justify his shitty treatment of you

don't let him start altering your reality too

look after yourself, love x

definitely a classic ploy to re-write history and make you out to be the problem. Ignore the tosser, please. It will become his "reality" but as AF says, there is no need for it to become yours.

And please stop worrying about your DC - I think you are probably right, that your stress about going back to work is coming out in different ways to stop your brain thinking about the one thing that is really stressing you.

Thank you. I hope it goes ok with the GP tomorrow. I think he suggested a phased return to work. Feel a right wimp, yet can't seem to
overcome it. Others have been through this and I haven't noticed any of them take time off like this.

SK

take it slowly - dont expect too much of yourself. And believe me if i had to work i would not have been able to. I think i was on the floor for a couple of days - thank goodness for my lovely friends who did everything at the time.

Are you able to ease yourself back to work slowly - 1/2 days or shorter weeks maybe?

You will be ok - dont let him mess your past up. Be proud that you had a marriage that worked for so long - so many dont these days.

Thinking of you.

Hi there sk, i agree with everyone else re him rewriting history , its to ease his own conscionce and nothing to do with you. I also identify with what your saying re the dcs.I felt i had the wrong husband, therefore the wrong kids, the wrong house, wrong freinds in fact, the wrong life. I think it came from a sense of having been cheated and the feeling that everything had been a sham. Used to wonder who i wouldve been if i hadnt met him , and it all felt like such a waste. It wasnt of course .

Its hard, but it honestly gets better.Just take it one day at a time.
Do you have to have insurance ? Think theres a big article on martinsmoneysavers saying half the time theyre just not worth having.

I'm going through the same experience. My H is living with the OW which is horrible but had a weekend of texts of him playing mind games. one minute saying sorry wishes he could come back still loves me etc then he doesnt contact me at all ( which I prefer to be honest) anyway, some days are good others are dreadful.....its natural i am sure! i have thought that all the time I have spent with him has been a waste but i have the most beautiful daughter who needs me more than she will ever need her twunt of a father. you will get inspired by your children but as they are a result of your relationship with your H it is natural to feel hurt and reminded of it when you look at them. Be strong but also know that if you have to cry - then cry! I had two weeks off work at first and some days I take breaks to pull myself together. I was horrified that my work colleagues knew about my personal life but now I am so glad they do as tea and sympathy can really help!

sam next time you should forward the messages onto ow

Hi SK

So sorry you are going through this. To echo others, it sounds as though your H is trying to establish some sort of post hoc justification for what he's done. Sort of saying 'well it was always rubbish so no wonder I walked away from it...". This is manipulative and mean. Trust your own memories and interpretations of the past - they are far more likely to be true.

On the going back to work thing. Although I know it's not comparable, I found it very difficult to go back after I took a long career break. I was very anxious and it felt like a huge hurdle. But once I was actually there, sitting behind my desk, I was surprised by how quickly I adapted and how quickly it went back to feeling normal.

Also, I've been through a nasty patch in my marriage which I won't bore you with here, and although at first I felt that I couldn't face work at all, in the end I found it to be a 'safe haven' in that there are 'rules' of behaviour there which mean that you won't get suddenly terribly hurt by someone. (That may sound a bit weird, but it's what I felt at the time).

I'm trying to reassure you (a bit clumsily) that going back to work may be a better experience than you imagine now, but in no way to underestimate the difficulty.

SK I am totally sympathetic. You might be interested to know that my OH who has gone off with OW said almost exactly the same thing. 'It was a SHIT relationship', 'for 16 yrs we just c-existed I had no love or support from you' and will not hear anything other. This from a man I loved very much and appeared to all and myself as reasonable and adjusted!

I sent my head into a spin too! Your sense of reality becomes warped. I actually threw up when he told me! However my DC are ACE and I do not regret them. I am sure your head will stop spinning soon. I am on Citalopram and find it helps immensely with anxiety but does not stop my PMT. My thought tend to get a bit jumbled then. I am relieved to hear that others think it is the guilty party trying to rewrite history. I often say to myself that if it was so shit he would have left to get headspace and not fall immediately into the arms of another woman.

As my next door neighbour says 'it is just the cock talking'.

Don't ever , ever regret your kids..

all I have to say

So helpful to hear others have felt the same. Ike1, thanks for mentioning those tablets.I think I'll mention that to the GP. Know I have to go through the tears and anger but at the same time, I've got support by my work colleagues and it would be more helpful for them and me if I didn't dissolve into tears at the drop of a hat.

It's horrible to be told your H has been seemingly "suffering" for all those years isn't it? And such a lie as well. My exH has been saying horrible things about me at his work as well, he's told me some of their chats. They've been sorting him out with furniture and TVs for his flat. They're all probably cheering him for leaving his awful wife. They'll be having a party when his divorce comes through I'm sure.

My ex and I still speak as he come to visit my dd.I've tried to show anger towards him but he just sighs and says " yes, it was all my fault", says it in such a patronising way and literally to whatever I say, so I can't vent my anger to the one who has caused it. It's as if he feels absolutely no emotion towards me at all.

I cried at dignified's post, just so awful...

My kids are just so lovely as well, my son is like me and is such an ally, but very quietly, he's just looked in on me as he was wondering where I was in the house. Dd is very like my exH's side and is a total daddy's girl.

SK

Hmm yes the stonewalling is very annoying. Because they have protected themselves from introspection and against cold n' lonely nights they have no need to listen or talk. It is so enraging. I find my ex-OH's unbridled cockiness very upsetting, after I have spent a night howling into my pillow.

Just checked with martinsmoneysavers, dignified, and I was able to put in how much I wanted to pay a month (£25) and it came up with the options for that...very good. Will probably use one of the ones they showed. Years back, I was paying loads of house and contents insurance and the went online and found one that was about 75% cheaper.

Ike1, it's so true. Sadly, I've just bought a special pillow off ebay. It's shaped like a mans chest and an arm and you snuggle into it at night and it feels like you're being cuddled! It's just a joke item but I do like it. Me and exH never ever cuddled in bed, our bed is 6' wide and we slept at the far ends really. Strange really, my exH looked and still looks like the kind of man who would be really cuddly and yet totally wasn't.

SK

Sorry you have had a bad day SK

It will get better

Critical Illness Cover must be one of the items they are pushing at the moment. Last time we went to discuss the mortgage (and me and h were going through really bad time) the woman really gave us (but more, me) a really hard time and really laid on the guilt. I got angry with her though. How dare she make me feel guilty because I couldn't afford £80 a month?? Cheeky mare!

Ignore them.

As for your ExH, well it is easy for him to rewrite history now. Ignore him too!

I do know what you mean about the dc. I dont regret having them but their births and some of their baby memories are tainted now. To know that h was sat at my side, feeling as he did, well, it just changes things now.

Chin up! You and the kids are the important ones now.

Love the pillow thing sk, going to have a look now ( perhaps you could punch it occasionally )? What an arsehole telling you of hurtfull chats. Dont listen to this crap about what people have apparently said , or the lies he tells , its a familiar theme and a way to devalue you, which he has had to do to justify his treatment of you.

Am impressed with your " tried to express anger ", i half killed him .Good on you for maintaining your dignity , what a fantastic example you are to your kids. At the end of this there will be a brand new stronger better you , its a way off yet , theres a horrible painfull metamorphis to go through first, but once your there you wont look back.

I had months of obsessive thoughts, uncontrollable crying , and gradually it lessoned until i started to think wow, its teatime and i havent thought about arsehole or her all day !

Your definateley not crazy !