How do I deal with my lying partner? How can I love and trust him?

[Flossam]

It's me again . I know you are probably sick of me but once again I am hopping mad. DP wanted, a few weeks ago, to go and see his mum. One way or another, we never manage to go with DS, so I said I would go and visit my lovely mum. However, mums hours have changed and that weekend wasn't convinient. So DP went to his mums that weekend anyway, and I arranged to go to my mums when he was working.

Heres the bit I deserve to be in trouble for I was looking through DP's phone and saw he had messages about this weekend going back to Bristol. I asked him about it (nicely) and he said he had considered it but didn't know if he had the weekend off. He had asked for it as will otherwise be working a 7 day stretch due to a course. He said he would find out the next day if he had the time off.

Anyway, next day I ask and he says no he dosen't have the day off. I strongly suspected he was lying to me but of course, what can I say/do? He was nice as pie the next day, even though we were both knackered, and sniping at each other, he let each comment go, where as normally he is like a dog with a bone. He also gave me money, he has not done this the since I have had DS and has been an issue, really. He came and saw us off at the station, something I would normally have to beg him to do.

Anyway, all strange behaviour. By a cruel twist of fate (or perhaps he turned the charger off) my phone did not charge properly and it became apparent before he even left the train station that I was not going to have enough battery to last. I text him my mum's number and he said he would call on there. That was the last I heard of him, no call to check we were there ok, so mid afternoon I called him. No answer. Had to turn my phone off as trying to conserve battery. One answerphone message later, saying he was off to meet his brother for a few drinks and 'only to call if it was an emergency'.

So next morning I tried to call, he should have been in work at the time I called. No answer. Phoned back about 10mins later, sounding, to me, sleepy, saying he was outside yet no outdoor noises. Reckoned he had been at a burglary. Had to turn phone back off again, he said he would phone me at 8.30 that evening.

No phone call. So I tried, phone now switched off. left a message. He never called back. No call the next day, I tried calling him again in the morning, at which point my battery died completely leaving me with no phone for my journey home today. No attempts on his part to call me on mum's phone. Nothing.

I have come back and it is obvious he hasn't been here. The guinea pigs have a 'going away' feeding bowl (ie, the big one) the floor is a mess (he is a virgo and can't live like this) All the windows are shut (we live on the third floor and don't normally bother when just out for the day at work etc) and only one, very stale work shirt in the wash.

So basically he has been lying to me. I have no idea where he has been, or who he has been with. He has lied before, hence things like me checking his phone occurs. He has changed all his passwords so I cannot question him about things (he buys expensive things off ebay and does not like getting in trouble etc), and is secretive. I don't know if he is seeing someone else.

The problem with him going to Bristol is that he goes out on the lash, spending money we, or me especially, do not have. This is a good reason he would hide it from me. But this is not adult behaviour and not one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have diverted all calls from my phone and I've bolted the door - I don't want him here. As patronising and crap as it sounds I want him to learn that his actions have consequences, and I am not going to put up with this. I am, once again, seriously questioning whether we have a future. This isn't how I want to live my life.

There's nothing wrong with hanging on until you are sure, Flossam. Keep everything going at the right pace for you and one day you'll know either way, and more importantly you will be strong enough within yourself to carry it through. Yes, he does need to respect you (and you need tor espect yourself more!) but haste won't improve things either.

Take care

Sorry flossam, this is not the dark ages. How on earth can he moan about the stae of the house when he lives there too. he has a young child, who to you is a full time job (not his) by the sound of it. You work part time too. he does shifts as a copper (does he? or am I mixing you up) Therefore IMO he should be mopping up the kitchen floor himself if it isnt to his liking.

Seeing your parents sepperately? Why not together? it would make more sense. It would be better for you to be a bit more involved with his vivists to his Mother if ihe is deceiving you so much.

Not ringing you when you are sperate?! i mean WTF! He should be ringing you even if it is only to see how his son is.

Imo, he is having his cake and eating it.

What exactly did he do at the weekend? have you questioned him about all the ins and out of where he was and who he was with? i wont tell you what was the first thing that came in my mind on reading your first post. he seems to be crying alot for someone who has 'only' been out on the poiss with his mates, and why lie about it ffs.

God I am so angry on your behalf. I would have hung my partner up by his balls by now

Thanks PC.

Fi02, I wondered too when I first got in yesterday. But I really don't think he was. He has been friendly with this group of lads since he was a child and they were very close knit. He has always worked harder than I would feel necessary to maintain these friendships. He has one friend up to stay quite often (he was even here when I went into labour at just under 38 weeks which says it all really!), who has just recently got a girlfriend. I wonder if this is another factor, the last of his always available, always up for a night out laddy friends has gone and got a girlfriend. He denies this. I think he got so upset because he was faced with the idea of loosing DS and me.

There is no excuse for him not phoning when he is away. The reasons I don't go with him? His mum has made comments before about how having us all to stay would be too much work and too much washing. We have tried before, have brought train tickets and she has cancelled at the last moment, leaving us, well, me, out of pocket. We decided after that to 'wait' untill she invites us. By the sounds of it she is not well at the moment, genuinely, so I will try not to do too much MIL bashing atm! Also DP does say that us coming would curtail his going out. To be fair, he had not been back before last month for about six months. Although friend has been down twice in that time. His family is not big on contact generally. DS still has not met his aunty, cousin, DP only just met his nephew last month. This is very much at odds to how my family is, but each to there own.

Yes, he is wanting to be a bit of a lad still. Yes he is unreasonable when it comes to the home front. But, I don't actually believe that it is so much the standard of the house, he usually complains it is not tidy enough. However, when it is tidy, he tries to find fault elsewhere. Basically he comes home from work, tired, grumpy and in a stinky mood and wants to take it out on someone. Me. I don't believe he really enjoys his job all that much. I don't feel he feels he can admit that, he certainly won't to me, I think that would go someway to explaining this aspect of him.

I think overall we need to try and spend more time communicating. Less tele time, more proper sit down dinner times and less mumsnet time, probably as well.The problem I find is when he is on his long stretches of shifts I am home alone and lonely really, mumsnet is invaluable. However, I'm sure everyone could relate to the fact that you get caught up in a thread and it is so hard to leave it when you shouldn't be on here!

Simply put, theres a lot we need to sort out isn't there?

Sounds like he might benefit from a bit of counselling on his own? It sounds like he is under a lot of horrible stress, which IS NO EXCUSE but would make it hard for him to move forwards? He's not depressed is he? My DH behaved very much the same (he has a Carnival Club of mates- you may remember bits of their reputation!)before he got diagnosed?

PC, this idea of him being depressed keeps coming up. I do wonder. I really do. But he thinks not, and what can I do to sort him out otherwise? I was going to try and talk to his DB, but I'm annoyed at the moment cause he was in cahoots with DP about this trip. He never used to be this grumpy, or angry. He has a weight problem now and is generally very lethargic. Like any problem though, the decision that they do have an issue has to come from them, dosen't it?

Yes it does, though I went to Dh's GP and told him I was concerned, then Dr raised it at a a health check! But not everyone can get away with that interference level.

Feeling for you

Telling lies is a no-no. Not contacting you is a no-no. Taking it out on you when he's had a bad day is a no-no. Criticising everything you do is a no-no.

However, I think these habits are all symptomatic and he could learn to curb them. His own quality of life would imrove if he did, as well as yours, he wouldn't be sacrificing anything.

I agree with him that we all need some time doing what we want outside of the family from time to time. His way is going out for a good old drink with his best mates and coming back to his mum's place. I can't see anything wrong with that as long as 1) You both make a decision about how often he should arrange to do this, and stick to it and 2) You get an equal amount of 'time off' to do your own thing, and he looks after DS.

This way no one has to feel hard done by, their turn will come. There will be nothing to lie about and no reason to be incommunicado.

Anorak, this is fair enough. He had only returned from a weekend away to his friends 10 days previously. That is where in the problem lay and he knew I would not 'approve' of him wanting to go away this weekend. He ruined my 'break' by playing silly games with me and lying to me, which is one of the reasons I felt so cross about it all really.

I'm not suggesting he is right to go about it the way he did. To me there are only two explanations for the amount of time he seems to need away.

Either he is depressed as has been suggested or he is just a selfish git.

Hope it is the former cos at least then he can get treatment and recover from it. xx

I didn't think you were Anarok! Thanks for your help. He is currently sulking in the bedroom because I don't want to join him there. I always normally give in, but really want him to see that sulking isn't the way to get what he wants. I really do seem to have two children already don't i?

Hi there. Have been thinking about this last night.

Your DP sounds like my DH. We went through a rough first few years together when he was acting exactly as you partner is. It drove me mad and I walked out quite a lot. After we had our first child it was trickier to do that. Anyway about 2 yrs ago we were going through a really rough patch and I did a lot of soul-searching.

I got some advice and basically realised that I had to decide whether this was something I could live with and/or change. I had been threatening to walk out with the kids regularly (because of things he had done) but realised this was creating an atmosphere of tension & fear. You have to decide whether you want the relationship to work and make that commitment vocally to him & he should hopefully have the same commitment. (my DH did). I told him that I loved him, I wanted us to be together and was going to make it work and have never threatened to leave since - our relationship has gone from strength to strength.

Also, every behaviour that I hated I decided it was up to me to either get him to change or decide to live with it. Left to his own devices he would just do what he wanted! We had similar issued to you by the sound of it and i'll tell you what I did to resolve them.

Firstly - he didn't want to have a joint account - i'm afraid this was an ultimatum. Our relationship could not work while finances were such a mess and he had to agree to joint responsility and accounts. There was no middle ground or compromise on this one. It was degrading and humiliating not being able to have money without 'asking' him. Not on at all.

Secondly - he used to go out a lot - we moved 100 miles away from home and he used to visit his friends on 'overnighters'. I secretly kept a record for about 6 months of how often he went as he kept maintaining it wasn't that often then showed it to him so he couldn't argue. I also started going out myself so I didn't feel 'hard done by'. I joined a book club, organised cinema trips/meals out etc and started to have nights away on my own with friends. Only then did I feel we were both having a life and it wasn't one-sided. Roughly, we go away equal amounts of time and he can't complain - and doesn't - he is just happy to get grief-free trips away!

Thirdly (sorry this is soo long!) -he moaned that I didn't do anything around the house so I did exactly that. I stopped doing anything around the house. It took 3 days for him to apologise and he has never said anything since. He also complained about the way I washed his clothes - I told him to do it himself and haven't washed any of his clothes to this day (about 2 yrs). He is very careful what he complains about now.

We also had issues because he spent more money than he realised - I kept a secret log of money he had spent and showed it to him.

He denied being late home from work and again I kept a log of exact times he came and went and after a couple of months showed him.

These are all drastic measures but my DH needed to be forced into acting like an adult and 2 years later it was sooooo worth it. He was also quite secretive about things as I would get stressed and pissed off about him going out spending money. Now we are both going out and enjoying ourselves I don't feel p*ed off as I know i'll get my turn so don't moan at him and am not bothered if he doesn't phone as we agree that he will phone me at 10am or whatever - as a result of this everyone has relaxed. He knows he's not going to get grief so has no need to be secretive - and I am not secretly seething about him going out or anything.

I don't know if this is of any use to you - and I know a lot of women would have given up on a relationship like this yonks ago but I love my DH passionately - and vice versa - and couldn't do without him so I did whatever it took. We now have a good, solid, adult relationship. You can do it too!

Flossam - he didn't want you to go in and have sex with him did he?? ffs! what are they like!
don't be in too much of a hurry to get joint finances - what if you end up jointly responsible for his £15k debt!

Wow, starrynight! You deserve a massive pat on the back for the great work you've done in your relationship!

Shame your DH needed so much input from you - I'd be embarrassed if I looked back and found my partner had had to do so much work to get me to act like a responsible adult. But all's well that ends well. He's lucky you loved him enough to go to so much trouble.

Thanks anorak!

As a child my mum left my dad when I was 4 and i've never seen him since -his choice (how can they do that?)- and she proceeded to have a string of live in boyfriends. I realised that I have never seen her work at a relationship - she lived with them all through a miserable time (normally a year or two) just moaning and then kicked them out. My first instinct when things felt difficult was to get rid - and I told him. I think this had a really negative impact on the family.

And his dad was similar to him but his mum never had the guts to sort it til the kids had left home and she kicked him out: i.e. he lived the life he wanted to, had affairs, she was miserable etc. I think my DH thought it was normal to be like that.

I guess like everyone else we had a lot of baggage - and had to chuck that out in order to have a 'normal' relationship. Of course we have our ups and downs and I still get that "i want him to leave so I can get some peace" feeling but I am getting it less and less & feeling now that we are strong and its going to be Ok.

p.s. should emphasize - I had to work on my own bad habits too (i.e. letting him get away with it and just being miserable!) - it takes two to make a relationship fail I guess.

Starry night, thank you so much for your long and very useful post! You have worked so hard to sort him out, well done! They do sound like they used to be similar. I think you sound much more stronger willed than me - the only thing Dp moaned about and ended up doing is own of was and is, the ironing! Said he was better at it than me, so does all his own now! He's got annoyed with my washing before, but I've never managed to carry out threats on this count.

Perhaps it is time to get a joint account, he is actually very willing. It's me whose not. I am basically already paying towards his debts now, and he still has the more money left after everything has gone out!! Not on really. I don't feel like I should be paying for them, and yet, somehow I seem to be. Perhaps if we do have a joint account he will stop pilfering his money without discussion with me first. Maybe.

The going out thing is a bit awkward, really. Once I'm back at work proper, next week, we only have 6 days a month off together. When we are at work we are both out till 8pm at least, so nights out will be a rarity. Basically, life stands to get much tougher in the next few months. It's annoying because if he did not have all these debts I would only have to work half the amount.

Basically I probably do need to put more work into things. I have a bad temper, but I calm down very quickly and as a consequence don't tend to follow threats/ actions through. Communication is so very much the key isn't it? Thanks so much for your help Starrynight.