Teenagers won't accept new partner

[theheadgirl]

After being on my own with 3 DD for 7 years, I've met someone lovely. Have been seeing him about 6 months and its going so well. However, my elder 2 DD aged 12 and 14 are so hostile to the idea. The 12 yo won't be in the same room as him. The 14 yo is pleasant to him but very angry at me all the time. They maybe see him once a month, although I manage to see him a couple of times a week (when they're with their Dad or at school)
However they both accept their father's new partner and regularly go and stay with them both. I feel absolutely torn in two - guilty that they're upset, and yet angry that its unacceptable to them that I have a life, but not unacceptable that their father would. Help??

I think it may depend on the reasons for your split with exH.
I know that my DC who are older than yours and have made their own minds up, I haven't influenced them in any way, are certain they never want to see my ex's GF, as he left me for her, but say they would be happy if I met someone else.
My own parents divorced when I was in my 20's and I and my siblings wouldn't speak to my mother's new DH, she left my father for him.
Do you know if your exH is influencing them in any way?

Oh god, I remember doing this to my poor Mum - my father was on wife number 3 by then but that was cool bananas as far as we were concerned, we didn't care what he did.

It's tough going from being the absolute focus of your Mum's world to realising she needs someone other than you to cuddle up to.

Other than reassuring them that the new man isn't going to change things, the way you feel about them etc, I can only suggest taking it slowly - they'll come to accept it eventually.

My Mum settled down with someone when I was 15 - and I was very averse to the idea of him moving in. On night one of him living with us my Mum sent us to choose a video to watch together after dinner - my sister and I came back with a slasher movie called The Stepfather . I actually grew to love my stepfather, very, very much (it did take a couple of years) and I'm so glad that my Mum met him.

A combinaton of patience and reassurance and it'll work out fine.

Good luck with your new relationship, you deserve some happiness and your girls will be happier if you are.

Do you think it may be that they are so used to having you to themselves that they are not taking it well? How long did they have their dad to themselves before he got a new partner? Also if they live with you they may be more worried about their homelife being disturbed, thinking if he moves in in the future, etc. More so than somewhere they go and stay every other weekend.

My dad is having this problem with his girlfriend's teenage son. His mum was by herself since the boy was 3 or 4, then when was 14 she started seeing my dad. The lad was furious, ranged from ignoring my dad to barely being polite. 3 years on its slightly better, he will be polite but is not happy about "the situation".

I think you need to ask them what their concerns are? Try reassuring them that things aren't going to change too much. They do need reassurance but they are old enough to be told that it is selfish of them (if understandable) to expect you to be single for ever. Good luck.

Ignore them.

To be honest it has nothing to do with them.

Sorry for the brief answer but FFS what do they expect? You to be on your own for the rest of your life?

Regardless of why your split up it was 7 years ago!!!!!

Carry on seeing him, carrying on asking them if they want to join you in doing things.

I would then after a month or two start to get very angry them and tell them get a grip.

Sorry but I would really not allow this from my DCs.

I also feel it's worth gently trying to find out what they don't like about your new relationship. It's likely they feel sidelined, etc, and that's hard on you. But their feelings do matter so I think it's important to respect those feelings - and be open to any real concerns they express.

I'm NOT saying you should let them bully you into living in celibacy btw!

I do think it has something to do with them seeing that this is a man that their mother is growing to like more and more and who may very well move in and be part of their everyday lives. However, I think anger will solve nothing with kids, teenagers even less. Best to ask them to join in activities: a day away at a resort, an exciting excursion, a picnic in the parc, a movie, etc. Just once or twice a month to get them to relax and see that your new man isn't a threat to them. I reckon they feel threatened by you having a new partner because it impacts their home-base so much more than their father's friend. You are their home and there's someone new on the doorstep.

Ask them in a calm and gentle manner what really worries them and be prepared for all sorts of excuses. I agree with Grace and others, don't let them bully you. You are their mother and they are still children who cannot see the big picture as they are too immature, BUT disperse their worries gradually and rope them into activities to get to know your new partner.

Also: re the youngest. I'd put a stop to her rudeness. She should at least be polite. Churlishness is childish and immature and you won't tolerate lack of manners.

Please try to ride it out for your own sake. My sisters and I gave my mother a hard time when she met her new partner - we were all teens, but my mother persevered and she is still with her man (after 16 years) and we all love him now! It helped that he was patient, never demanding and understood that we needed time.

He has become a huge part of our family, has been a tremendous support to our mother down the years and my mother has a companion, now that we have all moved out and gotten on with our lives.

Your daughters will be so happy in a few years time that you are not on your own - it might be worth planting that seed now.

what BBM said

you deserve some happiness and sex companionship

I would be having a "talk" with your girls about why it's OK for a bloke (their father) to have another relationship, but not their mother

make them think about how and why they are behaving like this

just persevere its normal kids see their resident parent as rocks they will stick around no matter what as for the part-time/away parent (as i like to call them) can do the hell they like because at the end of the day it doesnt affect their home life, what im trying to say is give them time to get used to the idea but at the same time i wouldnt stand for the rudeness they are your kids not your friends so you dont need their permission to have a life

Thanks everyone for all your responses. They really do echo what I feel myself, which is that I'm not doing anything ultimately damaging to them, I deserve a relationship for myself and that I just have to ride this out.

I think Kitty and StripeyKnickers are right in that this affects their home life much more than their father's relationship. But BigBadMummy - thank you!! For telling me what I want to hear really

Anyway I think its more damaging to girls to see the role model of a single mum who shuts herself off from the world and has no life for herself. WTF would that tell them?

So for now, thanks again ladies. Will keep on keeping on xx

It's also worth bearing in mind that your DDs are at a hellish age anyway. THe poor girls are frothing cocktails of hormones and just starting to deal with their own feelings about sexuality in general, which is going to add an extra level to their discomfort with the idea of their mum as any kind of sexual being.
Do talk to them as calmly as possible about their concerns, but point out to them that you expect them to be civil to your partner even if they don't feel like being best friends with him yet.