what do you talk about with DP? HELP PLEASE

[harrumpher]

We've kind of lost the art of conversation between ourselves.

Communication has never really been my or DP's strong point - I tend to be the "active listener" (i.e. zoned out) in conversations; he tends to do monologues with lots of complicated parentheses. He has always favoured social situations where he doesn't have to talk in any depth about anything except work. I am more happy to talk about stuff generally, but after years and years of listening to the egocentric and relentless prattle of my mother, I find it very difficult to sustain conversation because I am afraid of prattling irritatingly like she does.

I'm noticing more and more that DP and I only talk about logistics or he does the odd monologue about his work. If I talk about my work or my interests I get a two word answer and we go back to silence or he gives another monologue about his work.

We're not depressed, we are in love, we are intimate and affectionate and do stuff for each other - we just don't seem to be able to hold a conversation. It's like dealing with a bored teenager who won't talk about anything interesting once you've been through the stock "how was school" kind of stuff.

It's driving me mad. HELP!!!! Suggestions on what to talk about, please? Anyone?

bump...?

politics... other people we know... random hypothetical questions like "would you prefer to fly or be invisible"... what happened in Glee...

that kind of thing.

what happens if you try to start a non-logistical, non-hiswork conversation? does he engage, or does he just say "dunno"...?

(By the way, my DH and I both go through non-conversational phases, it tends to be when we are very preoccupied with work, could that be the case for your DH?)

do you watch tv? read the papers? don't you talk about current affairs/what's in the news? Tv programmes you might be watching?

I think it's a bit rude of him to ignore your stuff actually - very self-absorbed of him.

Take up Trivial Pursuit, or Scrabble, or Chess. Or wine tasting.

We're both fairly preoccupied much of the time... but this is dinner conversation kind of thing - trying to set a decent example to DS where we don't just silently shovel dinner in and shuffle off to the computers.

I often try to start conversations about other stuff - music, politics, nature docos we watch on the iPlayer... he and I and DS all do a lot of music. DS will talk and hold a normal conversation. But with DP it's all met with "dunno" or "yeah, hmm, i'd like to know more about that" said in a way that implies he has more important things to think about right now.

DP is like a poorly-informed, rather young, disengaged teenager - I remember being exasperated by my sister when she wouldn't join in discussions with parents' friends etc as a teenager. But I don't push him to talk as I am always on egshells to not put people off by monologuing or blast all over the place with random chatter, which we would all find deeply irritating.

I find it rude that he doesn't ever take any interest in my work or interests, particularly since music is one he participates in, but am trying to see it as something to be fixed by some mechanism, rather than something to resent

Whenever I get the impression that DH isn't holding his end of the conversation up, I will jog him into it by doing it for him, e.g.
Me: DS did such and such at play group today...
DH:
Me: Did he, Thumb? That's interesting, is it the first time?
DH: Wha'? Oh, um - yes, that's interesting...

Probably I shouldn't but I get so fed up of being not listened to!

You are possibly going too far the other way in trying not to emulate your mother - and down-playing your own stuff too much. It wouldn't kill your DH to engage while you talk about your interests, he should have learnt that basic social skill much earlier in life.