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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

emotional vaccuum

49 replies

bubble1 · 03/05/2010 23:33

am writing this whilst sleeping...again...on sofa. hubby in bed, knows i am sleeping on sofa, but just seems to accept this situation and has not tackled me on the matter. is this normal response from hubbys or is he emotionally blank?

OP posts:

Original poster

bubble1 · 04/05/2010 15:37

that is it exactly...the who me thing and acting the whole innocent stuff
and i want more than anything for him to feel the same way i do right now

OP posts:

dittany · 04/05/2010 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bubble1 · 04/05/2010 15:52

i have no proof whatsoever that he has actually shagged this woman, but my intuition is screaming at me at the moment...you know that feeling when somethings wrong but you have no concrete proff...apart from him hiding his phone AFTER i saw his messages to her...now he even takes his phone to play golf...and he has never done that in ten years weve been together...so am i imagining it as he is trying to suggest

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 04/05/2010 16:00

OK, you are being stonewalled.

Next thing to do is move his things from the bedroom, change the sheets, and tell him he is the one sleeping on the couch from now on. Confrontation is very unpalatable, but boycotting the bed is only hurting you and not challenging him at all. Be more direct and assertive, as much as you feel you can.

He will not feel the same way that you do, but there's no reason for him to sleep comfortably while you languish on the couch.

Any way you could check the computer, if he uses it?

Original poster

bubble1 · 04/05/2010 16:06

he does use the computer...this ones my laptop..he uses the one in the home office. no good anyway unless anyone knows how to hack into facebook messages

OP posts:

dittany · 04/05/2010 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bubble1 · 04/05/2010 16:19

not really...always been very easygoing about everything really...gets a bit tetchy about football but thats it really
says he doesnt want to be a weekend dad so he must love the kids
i jus want him to make this horrible gnawing in my stomach go away..am tired of feeling this way now...its been over 2 weeksfeels like he is aware of my pain but is enjoying the fact that i have no concrete evidence to throw at him

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 04/05/2010 16:39

He can't make your feelings quiet down. Ultimately your feelings are your responsibility. But he has to be made to see that you are miserable and that he can help greatly to set your mind at rest regarding the facts.

That will mean he should be honest with you about what has been going on with the woman you are aware of in his life, and then open with you about items like his phone. His life should be an open book and he should be willing to do this for the sake of your relationship. This would be a demonstration of his commitment.

But after that, you have to decide to move on and consciously attempt to put this behind you, which can be really, really hard.

Why was he thinking he might be a weekend dad though? Has he contemplated separation and a weekend visitation scenario?

Original poster

bubble1 · 04/05/2010 21:25

he talked about being a weekend dad because i threatened him with divorce

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MostActive · 04/05/2010 23:38

applaudes maths post re changing the bed and telling him that he is on the sofa - take control of this situation.

skihorse · 05/05/2010 07:11

I'm sorry to say this but there's a lack of communication here on both sides.

You're playing the martyr by sleeping on the couch, you're wanting to rifle through his things - and you're using divorce as a threat. On top of ALL of this you're expecting him to navigate his way through your needs and wants without you actually spelling them out to him. He's not a mind reader you know.

Talk to him like an adult and don't make idle threats.

HappyWoman · 05/05/2010 09:21

right so you suspect there is something going on - what if he tells you there is?? Are you going to forgive him?

Why would he tell you anyway - that will mean trouble for him.

If there is nothing going on then i can understand him being very upset by your mistrust - and probably feeling a bit smug about it.

at the moment he has the upper hand - and you are giving him the control over this.

He probably doesnt believe you about the divorce either - so you may need to take that further.

My h has had an affair and i can completly understand the sick feeling in the stomach - i would not put up with that again - either i would use a PI to put my mind at rest or accept that my marriage was not making me happy (doesnt matter what the reasons btw) and get out for my sainity.

Btw - if my h goes off in a huff and choose to sleep on the sofa i will not go and make it up to him - he usually comes creeping back to bed and that is the end of it. I have also made a pact with myself to never sleep on the sofa.

Anyway good luck with it.

Original poster

bubble1 · 05/05/2010 13:41

okay, its all very well to say that I am in the wrong to go rifleing thru his stuff...but if I hadnt then I wouldnt have found about, about 10 mins ago, that he has "unread mail" on an online make-new-friends site.
and u could also argue that this might all be perfectly innocent...but hes got a million friends already on facebook, why does he need to join another one...especially when we r going thru such a rough period.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 05/05/2010 14:06

You're not happy are you, Bubble?

As I see it, you have three broad options:

Start a divorce. Start a new life.

Try to fix it: start open discussions about feelings & relationship. You both sound a bit passive-aggressive (that's not a criticism btw) so you really might need a counsellor to facilitate & help you express yourselves clearly.

Carry on feeling frustrated, moaning, and finding out that he's given up on you and is looking for a way out. Which is where all this passive aggression will get you

Try to remember it's not about 'winning'! You need to get a better picture of what you want, and how to achieve it.

Original poster

bubble1 · 05/05/2010 14:17

have been to see a solicitor this morning...turns out i wont have to move into a cardboard box after all.
do i tell him ive been or keep my mouth shut and watch what he does next

OP posts:

skihorse · 05/05/2010 15:15

Why don't you ignore all the sensible advice and words given to you and instead carry on the way you have been recently and continuing to bandy around the word divorce. Will that make you happy?

mathanxiety · 05/05/2010 17:58

Well done for seeing the solicitor, Bubble1. That's a great step towards taking a bit of control over the situation. Somebody has to take the wheel here.

Have you been concerned up to now that you would have to 'put up or shut up'?

It really is possible to discuss things, even if this hasn't been the habit in your relationship up to now -- there's a middle road between divorce and spending the rest of your life sleeping on the couch.

Armed with your knowledge of where you stand, financially, you really should tell your H that the two of you need to have a serious talk. (Grace's Item No. 2 above) Do this with a counsellor, or nothing will be accomplished. Make the necessary phone calls yourself and find a babysitter for the DCs yourself too.

vintagewarrior · 28/05/2010 12:53

You say you'd fight tooth and nail for your marraige, but you are laying on the sofa typing on here instead of doing that. Go upstairs and say it, whatever it is and carry on until he answers back. That's how you fight for your marraige. You don't act a certain way to get a reaction that's childish

foureleven · 28/05/2010 12:58

Hi again Bubble. I was on your last thread. I'm sorry things havent really improved for you.

Just to say IME If any man Ive been with needs sleep he can shut off all emotions and sleep.

What did the sols say? Have you worked out what you want yet..?

WombFrootShoot · 28/05/2010 13:25

I don't think she still on the sofa is she? The OP was written a month ago.

foureleven · 28/05/2010 13:39

Oh shit, sorry. So the other thread where she had found out what DH had been up to was later than this then?

Poor Bubble, I wonder how she is?

foureleven · 28/05/2010 13:43

vintagewarrior what you playin at love?

Original poster

bubble1 · 28/05/2010 22:30

foureleven...thanx for the support...but i think you are a bit late..ha ha...never mind..i am surviving,,,just

OP posts:

foureleven · 29/05/2010 15:30

Oh good,glad youre surviving bless you xxx

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