Desperate for another dc, just not sure how dh feels

[sherrybobbins]

Last weekend, I had my fourth miscarriage, in the space of 12 months. It was an accidental pregnancy. I have two dds and after three mc last year, decided to stop ttc. It took quite a lot to persuade dh to try for dc3 last year, and when I said I couldn't take another mc again I felt he breathed a huge sigh of relief.

But since this last mc I now feel consumed by the need to try again, and quite quickly too. We have chatted recently and his words were that he wasn't definitely saying no but that we would agree to wait. But I feel that he really doesn't want to try again. And it is killing me. Because I am terrified that if we talk about it he is going to say no. And I don't want to hear that. I feel like he has all the power and control over something I want so badly and I can't bear it. And I don't want to become angry and resentful.

So how do I go about talking to him about it? Should I be persuading him?

Talk to him
Tell him how you feel about this, and how important it is to you
Write him a letter if you are worried you won't get all you want to say out in the way you want to say it
How old are you? Have you got some time to have a break from TTC to give him a bit of time to think about things so slightly less pressure

You do need to talk to him, but persuading him is not the way to go imo.

As much as you feel you may resent him if he decides he doesn't want another child, think how much he may resent you for guilt tripping him into another child he just never wanted. Imagine when you're going throught the sleepless nights etc...

I'm sorry, I understand how overwhelming the urge is but it sounds like he's already been going through all this to keep you happy - but what about him?

Darrell, I am 35. I had thought about writing an email because I am unsure I would get across to him what I need to say. We took a break from ttc after a rather horrific mc last summer.

AhLaVache, I totally agree that persuading him is not the way to go. I don't want to guilt trip him into it. I want to know it is what he wants too. But I am so scared, that I will resent him for taking something away from me that I want so much. My sane calm logical mind says he needs to be happy too, his happiness is important but I don't feel very calm right now.

Give yourself a few weeks break, you are probably very raw, emotional and desperate and try to enjoy all the things you have already in your life.
But it is important to tell your DH how you feel.
And an email is not a bad idea, you can put down everything in writing so it doesn't sound overly emotional nor hysterical.
And don't ask him to make a decision straight away, give him time to think about everything
And you could put a time limitation on how long you give it to fall pregnant, say try 6 months, so he doesn't think the process will go on indefinitely
My DH didn't want a third
It took 2 years of gentle discussion
Then some early MCs which broke my heart, and finally, one that stuck and now DC3 is 1m old
I am 37 so know how you are feeling with respect of age etc
Don't give up.
Don't push too hard, and yes, you do have time
Good luck, and yes, love the life that you've got
I feel for you, it is so so so so so hard

Darrell, thank you for completely understanding. I do feel desperate, and slightly hysterical. And I hate it as I am usually a very controlled calm person.

I suppose in my head I imagined I would have had my last dc by now. I love my children desperately but they are now 5 and 3 and I am starting to get a little me time back. I suppose what I mean is I don't want to be doing little ones forever.

I don't want to force him into it, far from it. I want him to want it like me. What I am finding difficult is that this is something that can't really be compromised on. I just feel .

I am a sahm and I feel I have completely failed in my job as I have lost 4 babies now. He is a very successful lawyer and he has succeeded in his job. I however, have failed.

Sb, you are not a failure. Enjoy the time you have now your babies are a little older, do some stuff for you, i don't know what you like, but horse riding or art or reading. Remember who you were before you had dcs. My other two are 6 and 4 so i ended up with more of a gap than i ever imagined. It is great, they are at school in the day, so it is not so much hard work.
Remind your dh what he will remember when he is old, it will be his children and grandchildren, not other stuff.
Explain to your dh about it being your job, he prob will understand that.
I am a great believer in some gentle positive thought, it will work out. And it will make you stronger