Help rebuilding trust with an addict

[sidelined]

Anyone got any advice for re-building trust after several breaches?

DH has had problems with addictive / compulsive behaviour, however I'm fairly sure he's over them, or at least he really wants to be over them.

I've given him the ultimatum that if this happens again, he will be thrown out, and I WILL stick to this.

He says he can do this with no outside help.

The problem is, I'm struggling so hard to trust him. If I see any small pattern in his behaviour that fits in with what he was like before, I instantly think he's using again. Problem is, I can't prove that he has or not, and at some point I am going to have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

How do I go through the next few months without tearing the marriage apart with my suspicion and paranoia?

I can't actually offer you any advice, sorry.

What I can say is that I left XP with an 11month old DS due to his addictions after 4 years of broken promises.

He is still the same to this day and DS will be 6 in October.

I would say that he has to truly want to change his behaviours and will need outside help.

I have worked in Mental Health and my mother is an Addictions Therapist. In her career and that of her colleagues, we have never known of anyone to beat an addiction alone.

Sorry and good luck with your DH. I do hope he sorts it.

so what is he actually doing to help you?

He is saying he wants to be over it but actully talk is cheap - he needs to back it up with actions. He is clearly not prepared to do much - wont get outside help - why?

I dont think you have to trust him and actually he should not be scared of your suspicions - an inoccent person has nothing to hide.

I also wonder if his unwillingness to really face up to his demons by not getting help is because he knows its always the last chance ....again and again.....?

If you cant trust him it is not your fault - better to face that now than live your life with that horrible feeling in your gut.

What a surprise. My earlier suspicions were founded. He had been using again. Apparently he was just a bit bored, and he wanted to do it for the last time before kicking it for good. I wonder how many people have heard that before?

And no, I didn't throw him out, although he is sleeping on the sofa tonight, for the first time in our 10 year relationship.

To be honest, I don't think it really is an addiction. The substance he uses isn't addictive as such, just compulsive, and I think he's just bored of the monotony of family life. Not that that's an excuse, but I think it does change the way to approach this a little. I think he feels there is something in his life he is lacking, and this is where he turns.

I got the same promises again - that this time really is the last, that there really is no more (he binned it all apparently, and it's nowhere near as easy to get any more). I want to believe him, but I have no more reason to believe him than last time he gave me those promises, which he broke within a week.

I just don't know what to do.

Anyone there? Could really do with a chat

Sidelined: Well, your H is not going to stop using whatever it is, at least not in the immediate future. So stop worrying about how to make him stop and start thinking about what you are going to do.
First of all (and I am only suggesting this because you have not specified the substance he uses - don't feel you have to specify it, obviously) how much of an actual problem is his use of whatever it is, as opposed to boo, wah, it's Illegal or Unhealthy and what will the neighbours think?
If his share of the disposable household income can cover the purchase of whatever it is, and consuming it doesn't put him at severe risk of dropping dead or make him nightmarish to live with, one option would be to stop trying to make him stop and instead specificy ground rules such as : put the stuff where the DC can't get it and/or don't indulge in the house.

If it is something that makes him aggressive, or which the budget won't run to, then it's time to start making your exit plans.

It's Mephedrone. Simply easier to say it rather than try and imply what it is.

I didn't have a real problem with it (used it once myself), but the boundaries I set (clear it with me before he uses it, not to use when the kids are around, not to take more than 3 doses over a session etc) were continuously flouted. He started taking it in secret, lying about having taken it, started taking it (and lying about it) more and more frequently. Over the last month now, he's taken it almost every time he's been alone in the house (I'm a SAHM so not really that often, about once a week), and today he took it when I went out, even though he was looking after the children, although they were both in bed at the time.

And please, before people start screeching to leave him immediately / call social services, I'm aware of the issues, but I want to fix them, not destroy my family over them. That's not aimed at anyone in particular btw!

Is it unreasonable to say that taking a drug such as this just isn't compatible with family life? I don't like him taking it when I'm around, I certainly don't like him taking it when the kids are around. I can see the attraction of it, but surely there's more to life than taking drugs at every suitable opportunity? I manage.

Oh well, I have to go to bed now, I just don't know how to face DH in the morning.

sidelined - think really hard about you now.

He has make it crystal clear he is going ot continue despite your (hollow) threats. He is onto a winner - he can carry on and tell you what you want to hear and he never has to give it up.

I also think it is an addiction - call it complusion if you like - he puts his needs/wants before anyone elses and it is effecting your family life.

Either you disrupt the family by sticking to your boundaries or you live in a home where your opinion counts for very little.

Either you have to accept it or stop making threats you are not going to carry through.

Only he can 'fix' himself and he is not ready yet is he?

sidelined,

I would stop thinking about him and start thinking about your own self instead.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Why the wanting to fix him, is this because you managed to stop?. He made a conscious choice to use this and is still using, he won't stop because of what you say and or do. If you continue to not follow through after discussions then he thinks you don't really mean it and thus has no incentive to try and stop.

How many times have you covered up for him, made excuses for him before now?.

Your children also likely know that there are problems between their Mum and Dad; they can pick up on unspoken and ongoing tensions within the home.

Unfortunately you cannot fix an addict yourself no matter how much you want to. He has to want to help his own self here and clearly he does not. I think you are also in that place called denial because you cannot quite be honest enough with your own self to see the full realities of situation you find yourselves in.

Call his drug problem what you like (I would also say he is physically/mentally dependent on this and again you are not being honest with yourself here re him) but this is having a profound effect on you and your family life. It will continue to do so because you are also playing a part here in his addiction - that of enabler.

Continuing to try and fix him will destroy your family unit (the very thing you are trying to protect)and you all in the process. He is happy to drag you down with him.

No trust - no relationship. Its dead in the water.

Sidelined: OK so he is indulging his addiction in a way that affects the family.
YOur only options right now are either to accept his addiction or to end the relationship. I'm afraid it's that simple a choice. There is no magic button you can push to make him stop using his drug. You cannot control another person's behaviour, you can only control your own response to it.