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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH been lying about money ... need to vent

17 replies

scarlotti · 01/05/2010 19:10

Have posted before about decline of marriage.
Together almost 8 years, married almost 3. 2 DS' between us, DD from previous relationship.

Been in relate for a couple of months now and it's going slowly. This isn't the first time we've been and things never change so I'm not that hopeful tbh. DD is about to sit gcse's so am sort of stalling making any major decisions until after they're done as don't want to ruin anything for her.

One of the issues (one of the very many) is his lack of financial commitment. He likes to keep a 'buffer' in his account - ok in principle but we're stretched financially as am on mat leave and so aren't in a position to keep buffers really. I asked him how much it was - after some dithering he said a few hundred.
I've checked - it's £1200. After checking I asked him again in our relate session how much it was and got the same few hundred answer.
I now feel like I'm not going to be able to keep this sham going for the next 2 months until DD's exams finish. He's blatantly lying so then you wonder what else is being lied about. Am being taken for a mug, doing everything, running the house/finances, earning the main wage and now am being lied to.
If it wasn't so awful it would be funny.

Should I bring up what I know in our next session at relate in 10 days time? Should I say to him I know he's been lying or will that force the discussion about splitting up and then cause tension at home? Although there is a huge amount of tension as it is, and I can feel myself shouting at the dc's more as I'm so frustrated ... but obviously not frustrated at them

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 01/05/2010 19:14

Ok, to you it's £1200 but to him it may be 'a few hundred'.

Calmly say that you need to have some of that money transferred and would be happier if there was only a £500 buffer in his account. Just say that, don't elaborate. Let him respond.

SpiritualKnot · 01/05/2010 19:37

Would speak to him about it before Relate if you can? I always kept some as a buffer, but more cleverly, transferred it to another account.., otherwise ex dh would try and get me to spend it on a new car or something, though I'm sure you're not like that! Don't think it suggests he is lying about other things neccesarily, but you know your dh better.

Agree that a £500 buffer would be better if you need money now though, esp as you're on mat leave, when cash is short.

How would you let him know that you know that it's £1200?

Original poster

scarlotti · 01/05/2010 22:14

Laurie - I've specifically asked him how much it is so he's definitely avoiding answering.

spiritual - I guess I'll just come clean and say I looked at the cashpoint slip at the balance.

We had been talking about where we'd get the money from to pay the plasterer and he'd suggested putting it on a credit card. He's rather incur more debt than use his stash!

OP posts:

jasper · 01/05/2010 22:51

I don't think him saying a few hundred necessarily counts as a lie.
Have you asked outright for some of the funds,( however much they actually are ) to be transfered into an account of use just now?

KiwiKat · 01/05/2010 23:12

There's a lot of difference between a few and twelve. In my opinion he's lying.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/05/2010 13:49

yes he's definitely avoiding answering your question because he knows you and he look at things differently.

It's different to not pay a plasterer when you have the money and instead incur debt - it may be helpful to think about why he does this and say what the impact on you and the family is when he keeps the money to himself.

Good luck

Over40 · 02/05/2010 14:02

I would ask him how he calulates what a sensible buffer is and what is he buffering for? eg enough to cover the mortgage for 2 months if I lost my job? or enough to cover all bills for a month? I don't know your finances so it's difficult to comment. My ex and I had really different attitudes to money (which didn't help!). He didn't care about debt and I loath it. But even to me £1,200 to excessive if it is just to avoid accidentally going overdrawn. £500 would be more reasonable. Anyway that sort of buffer should be in a savings account getting a better rate of interest! Has he used his ISA limit this year?? I suspect not from your posting but he could put it into a cash ISA, be able to get his hands on it instantly and at least be earning some interest!
Hope he opens up with you!

SugarMousePink · 02/05/2010 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KiwiKat · 02/05/2010 16:30

Over40 raises a very good question - what is the buffer for? Is it 'emergency for the family money', or is it 'running away' money for his personal use? If it's the latter, that doesn't bode well for the health of the relationship, and you may find that he's anticipating the end, just as you seem to be.

Original poster

scarlotti · 02/05/2010 21:49

Thanks for all your replies.
Well money came up again in a conversation today and he finally admitted how much was there. He said he didn't tell me as he thought I would think him having a buffer was daft. It's for the family as opposed to him.
I'm not happy about the lying and also that things aren't considered joint, so will use the next relate to talk through those issues.

Thanks for listening to my posts.

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 02/05/2010 22:39

Don't know if this is relevant to your situation, but I know I guy who does not tell his DW how much money he has in his accounts (ring fenced for his tax obligations as he is S/E)as he is afraid she will spend it on holidays and clothes shopping etc.

You mention you are on mat leave ATM, if you are due back at work soon is the plasterer someone you would pay jointly?

skidoodly · 02/05/2010 22:48

I'm calling bullshit on it being a family buffer if he's lying about it and not using it when there are bills you can't meet without getting into debt.

You earn the main wage but he is keeping over a thousand pounds sitting around in his current account that you can't access?

blondieminx · 03/05/2010 01:23

Scarlotti we were on the same pg thread. Just saw this and just wanted to say thinking of you and I hope things improve for you and the family and that this time the relate works out. Good luck x

Original poster

scarlotti · 03/05/2010 09:32

Thanks for the replies.

Ladylapsang - I can understand your friend's situation. I don't spend our money on things that aren't a necessity. All shopping etc. is paid for out of my money, if I have any left after paying my bit into the joint account and then bailing out any overspend.

skidoodly - I wonder if he would have come clean as to how much he had if I hadn't kept pushing the issue.

Blondie - thanks for the support

OP posts:

KiwiKat · 03/05/2010 17:24

Scarlotti, do you both contribute the same amount to the joint account, or is one more than the other? Is he a bit sensitive about you being the main breadwinner?

Original poster

scarlotti · 03/05/2010 19:51

I contribute about 5x as much as he does as I earn significantly more. He does have a bit of an issue with me earning so much, but also like the lifestyle that it brings. It's a difficult one really - bit of a no win situation for me.

OP posts:

KiwiKat · 03/05/2010 23:17

Yes, it's a tricky one. No advice to give, but hoping that you work something out between you.

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