Help i dont know what to think.

[ray81]

I'll try and keep this short, i am 40 weeks pg and think my DH mybe- well am not sure what he is doing tbh.

Ok about a week ago i went to log on to FB ansd there was this email address in there that i did not recognise, so i searched this person and it is basically a realy fit guy with LOADS of woman friends, the pictures are clearly magazine pictures. The birthday is the same as my DH. There didnt seem to be anything overly sinister about it so tried to put it to the back of my mind.
Well last night i couldnt sleep so got up and his phone was just there on the side i picked it up and he has 2 text from a woman i do not know, first saying ' text me if you manage to get online later' and the second ' Hey you take it you didnt get online i have sent you along message' there is then a call out from his mobile at 1.30am. I know he came to bed about 2.15 as he woke me up and i couldnt get back to sleep.
So I checked the history on the computer, now he deleted his history but i know where to go that gets you the info of all the sites visited, the ones you cant delete and he was on some sex website for about 3 hrs last night.
I cried and cried and still want to cry now, am 4 days overdue and i dont know what to do, i dont want my marriage to break up, we have tried for 5 yrs for this baby and have had 6 mc and thought we were ok.
I just dont know what to think.

Ok, your DH has opened a FB account using a false photo and has now attracted some female attention and he's also using sex websites.

It sounds bad but don't panic! It would be far worse if he'd used his own photo and the sex websites are pretty anonymous too. He's hardly going to meet up with anyone from FB if they're expecting the adonis in the photo so although he's receiving texts from another woman I don't think he has any intention of taking if further.

How do you feel about what he's done? Does he know you know?

I agree with Amandoh that it doesn't look as if your DH intended to meet these women given the fake pictures etc. But in the end, your DH is not the person you thought he was and all this secrecy and deceit clearly leaves a bad taste in your mouth as it would mine.

Am and for you. It's the last thing you need at the moment, isn't it?

I personally would let him know that you know, see what he says and ask him to stop. See what he says/how he reacts. Come to some interim agreement and then try and forget it for a while. Have your baby and then you can discuss the whole issue, consider options like counselling once your baby is here and things have settled down.

Ray gosh, how awful for you As I know exactly what you have gone through to have this baby aswell, I can't believe your DH has done this - and at this time when you should be so excited about the arrival of your little baby

I think you need to speak to him now, tell him you know what he has been doing and see what he has to say for himself - if you think the marriage is worth saving, go to counselling or whatever you need but I think you need to concentrate on having your little baby girl first

It could just be a little fantasy that has got legs and he's quit4e far down the road, iyswim. Tell him how you feel. I would ask for complete transparency and remind him that being pregnant is not as vulnerable as having a newborn so you need to feel he has your back and can be relied upon.

ray-please get this out in the open before your baby arrives. Tell him what you know and let him explain. Lots of luck. xx

Ray81 ~ As you were four days overdue when you posted and you've not replied I'm assuming you're having/have had your baby.

I hope everything is ok.

Hi guys, sorry havent had a chance to get back on.

There have been more developements, funnily enough i figured out his password, it seems my DH isnt very bright where passwords are concerned. He has had this FB page for a yr and has been talking to this woman on there for all the time, it does seem that they are only friends however things such as ' if we lived closer we would be a perfect match' etc have been said. He has told her he is going to africa to work and will get back in touch when he comes back, so it seems like he is trying to stop doing it. Not that that makes it ok.

I checked the computer again this morn and he was on the sex website last night.

So the thing that is getting to me is WHY he would do this? what is lacking in our marriage thats made him do this? doesnt he fancy me anymore? is he thinking of other women when we make love? How can you decieve someone you are meant to love for a whole yr and plan to have a baby with them? Is he thinking of leaving me and just waiting for the right time?
I KNOW i need to talk to him about this but ijust cant bring myself to i so scared of the outcome. I want to save my marriage what if he doesnt?

you need to know one way or the other as this uncertainty is not good for you or your pregnancy.

I think you just need to tell him you know and then park the whole issue and concentrate on having your baby and establishing your new family. Sounds to me that it's just a bit of fantasy although I would be livid if DH ever went near a sex website and neither of us have FB etc. Wonder if this is a (rather silly) way of him coping with the impending responsibilities of fatherhood.

Think you should try and get it out in the open before the birth, that also gives him a chance to say sorry so you can both concentrate on the future. You don't want to be brooding on this if you get the baby blues.

Ray - saw your other message asking us to have a loo at your post here.

So that you are going through this at time when you and dh should be so excited for the future with your little one on the way.

I agree with the others, and would urge you to sit down calmly with dh today and let him know what you are aware of. Once your little girl is here you will struggle to get the chance to and it will just eat you up until you find a good time when you're both not completely exhausted.

It doesn't sound like there has been anything physical going on to me, but he has clearly deceived you and needs to stop all contact with this woman and put an end to it all.

Men can react really oddly to stressful situations and having been through everything to get your baby and 9 months of the focus being on you and her sounds like it has taken it's toll and he's using these sites to boost his confidence and esteem again. I'm not saying that this makes it right, but if he's had some positive contact from women, he's had his ego boosted and carried on with the deceit rather than end it.

Talk to him today. In a neutral place without dc around.....good luck.

Hi Ray...I saw your other post as well, so came to have a look...feeling for you loadsz and hoping your ok xx
It might not be a case of not fancying you, or not wanting to be with you anymore, esp if you think he may be trying to stop it, but it could be the excitement part of the fantasy 'chase', if that makes any sense at all. It's a horrible, horrible situation, and whatever I write I feel like it sounds patronising. I don't really know what to say, everything I write sounds silly..hopefully it's just him liking the secret 'want', but not actually wanting to take things further in reality. I hope you get things sorted, and I truly hope you're ok xxxxxxxxx

Hi Ray,

Looks like all the bonkers ladies have hopped over here to support you - so I wanted to make sure you knew you had my support aswell.

You know what I've been through recently with my DH. This is a really really exciting but also worrying time, especially having been through this once before (in respect of having a baby I mean...), so maybe he is feeling a little insecure about that arrival of DD2 and is a little envious of the relationship already - before she's even here! Unfortunately it's not completely unusual for men to go down the route of sex-lines etc when their DW is PG. My BIL did it aswell and even went as far as meeting the woman concerned, on the pretense of selling his car to her. He worked quite late and my Dsis, like you was in the late stages of her PG and was going to bed early. He was bored. This was before the days of FB so I think it was just some sort of chat-room.

When my Dsis found out she was devestated, although nothing ever happened with the other woman.

I think your DH would be devestated that you've found out and are hurting like this. However, this does NOT make it right. He has been a bugger and you really need to tell him that.

It definitely sounds like he is trying to end it. The fantasy has clearly run it's course and he knows that you will need him more than ever for the next few weeks.

Get it all out into the open, ask him why he did it. It WILL all be Ok, however it works out.

As it happens, my Dsis and BIL now have 2 DC, have their own business and a very happy, albeit busy, life. So things can work out.

Good luck sweetheart.

xxx

Hey Guys,

Thanks so much for all your advise and support.

I confronted DH last night, it got to the point where i could just stew on it anymore.
He said sorry, the FB stuff started as a joke and then just got away from he, he knew it was wrong, he did say it was an alta ego thing and he wishes he had never done it thats why he ended it all.
The porn he he couldnt explain other than its just porn and again he is sorry.
He said he loves me so much and knows how lucky he is to have me and DD and this DD on the way and he never wanted to hurt me in anyway.
I told him that i would never trust him on a computer EVER again. how hurt and angry i have been feeling, how i felt like a didnt know him as i never thought he would do something like this. I asked him loads of Questions re how he feels about me, both love wise and sexually and he assured me he loves me and still fancies me etc etc. he never wanted to put out marriage at risk and would understand if i wanted him to leave for a few days so i could think.

I told him i wanted to draw a line under it but he had to promise he would never do it again, it all STOPS NOW and made it clear that there would not be any second chances.

I feel so much better now, feel like i can move on with having this baby and enjoying this time with him and DD as we have all waited so long for it. Saw Midwife today and am being induced on Fri so am glad i got it all out in the open now.

Again thanks so much for all the advise it has all realy helped to have some objective views.

well done ray81 l am so glad it is all sorted out and you can now concentrate on your last few days of pregnancy.

hopefully your DH will have got the message and realise how much this has hurt you and your relationship. he has to be on his best behaviour from now on.

good luck for Friday

I'm really pleased for you as well xxxxxxx
Squeeze his hand extra tight on Friday

Oh Ray, I'm so pleased. Unfortunately with this age of modern technology these things easily get out of hand...

Well done you for confronting him!! I'm so glad it's all sorted.

I really hope that everything goes well for you on Friday, I'll be thinking of you - it's been a long journey for you and I'm so excited that this time next week, you'll be holding your new DD.

xxx

Great news & good luck with the new baby.