Can someone please give me some sympathy and words of wisdom please?

[aSilverLining]

I feel fed up and can't shake it off. I know I have done good leaving ex and setting up new home for me and DS but I feel glum.

I am single and living just me and DS who is autistic and sometimes (like today) I just wake up feelin like I have so much pressure on me as it is all on my shoulders. His appointments, medicines, getting his statement sorted, housework, bills, decorating, etc. I feel quite alone.

The thing with my friend/newman has ended and he is back to just my (very best) friend again which I am gutted about. It has also left me reeling in that he has shown me what I have never had. He loves me. He told me I was beautiful, no one had ever told me that before. He believes in me and spurs me on when I am down. It made me realise ex never loved me in 9 years and also made me realise how shitty my parents are/were on a whole other level towards me. All my life I have had people around me who for their own reasons couldn't love and support me properly and now I have one and I can't have him in the way I want him. I know he is still my friend and there for me but it's not the same. I feel lucky to have the friendship there - I know some people don't even have that.

DS is is full on autistic mode going "look mummy" every 30 seconds and schpeeling out movie quotes over and over and over and asking me to build him a jumper making machine and cannot accept that I cannot make one. Every interaction requires a full on over the top enthusiastic response from me or he repeats himself again and again until I do and I just want to scream. I sat on my bed on thursday while he was at school and just sat and screamed and cried for about an hour. I think I am losing it.

Oh my god, i'm so sorry for you.

You should be proud of yourself doing all of this on your own. You are very strong and to lose it every now or then is totally ok. Even if you want to cry every day it's normal. I can imagine how overwhelmed you must feel, and being on your own must make it so much harder.

I'm sorry i cant help you and i'm not that good with words of wisdom...

I'm happy for you that at least you have him as your best friend and you never know maybe it can change in time to something more...

Be proud of yourself you are stronger then a lot of us.

Poor, poor you.

You have such a lot on your plate atm, but it WILL get better.

You are not losing it but sitting on the bed and wailing for an hour is a good and necessary way to get rid of the tension.

1. Be proud of yourself and what you've achieved so far.

1. Be easy on yourself..make a treat for yourself...a shopping trip, a dvd/chocolate cake at home with feet up while ds is at school...NO GUILT!

1. Write down three things you would like to see/do/achieve within the next 12 months. Then take the first step towards one of them.

That's all, make it about YOU at the moment.

Thanks for replying, it helps to have some kind words have no one can talk it all over with in RL really.
I can't see the friend situation changing, he is related to ex and has made a decision that he doesn't want to hurt ex so that't that, friends only from now on. Yes I know it could be worse and I could have lost him completely.

Everything has just got on top of me I think.

Am taking DS to the cinema now (am hoping it will mean a little quiet time).

Will come back on later.

Good for you!

It gets better...... You get used to the responsibility

I don't have any words of wisdom as I'm not a very wise person! However I do think you sound like an incredibly patient, loving Mum and you should be so proud of yourself. To deal with all that you have, with crap support from family; imagine if you were reading someone elses post, you would think they were such an amazing person to deal with that. Well that's what we are thinking of you.

A wild practical suggestion - depending how old DS is - could you teach him to knit?
that would be his jumper making machine and if you can get him a pattern book it might het him occupied for ages - it's very logical and ordered. He might like it.

crossed posts there I think, will have to come back on later this aft when DS at his dad's as can't even think to type but will be back...

just to say poor you I nearly cried when I read your post

I don't know how old ds is but get plenty of childcare and a job if you can...an adult life and interaction may be what you need,meet lots of people and make friends

DS is five and so is now at school all day term time (which he dislikes and cries every morning which makes me feel terribly guilty).

I used to work in childcare, had to give it up as DS couldn't handle childcare himself (he has a teaching assistant at school). I now claim carer's allowance. I do miss workig though and hope to go back when DS is a little older I am hoping a quiet childminding setting may work. Am planning on doing a course or two in the mean time.

His attention span and motor skills would not be enough for the knitting idea though I appreciate the suggestion. He will come up with some wild idea like this at least once a week it is all he can think about until some other far fetched notion comes along. He gets fixated on things and just can't relax until the fixation is satisfied. Usually this will just be having things in straight lines or getting the newest Thomas engine but more recently has been stuff I am incapable of helping him with.

I am currently learning to drive which will be such a help when I can, this is something I am doing just for me, for my confidence and independence (although it will benefit DS too obviously), but even this I am struggling with. Ioften feellike cancelling my lesson or crying in the car but I don't I push myself to do it.

Ex was no use with DS anyway really while we were together but I could kid myself as there physcially at least was another adult in the house.

Most of the time I keep marching on and do okay but I feel just about ready to crumble.
DS has gone to his dad's, back tomorrow lunch time so I intend to do the hoovering and ironing but that is it, and try to chill out a little.

The childminding setting may work for DS I meant, not very clear reading it back. I have childminded before and it was too much for DS in his own home (have also worked in and took him to a nursery which didn;t work out for him either). When I go back to work it will be with other adults around me not working alone from home, I need adult interaction.

Learning to drive will change your life. You will never have any money again!!! but you will have unimaginable freedom and things which now take you hours will take literally minutes.

I was late to it - keep at it - you will be a better driver for not being 17 when you pass your test and being more aware of the hazards, and also, you wont believe the worlds it will allow you to open up.

Pick one thing at a time - driving just now very important - and look to fix that. You can only cope with what you can cope with. The rest will sort itself out in time.

Good luck xxx

Thank you rhondajean.

The amount of money I spend at the moment on buss fares and taxis I will be happier to spend that and more but save myself a lot of time and stress. Like you said, at the moment a simple journey can take me hours and be a logistical nightmare, I am soo envious of people who can just hop into their cars to get a bottle of milk/ pop see someone for a quick cuppa/ go for a day out.

Feeling a bit better today about it all, and wanted to come back onto thread and thank everyone who replied to my OP and were so kind and supportive.