please give advice - new relationship, we need to have a talk

[lunavix]

Been seeing a v lovely guy for coming up 5 months, but we have run into a few problems. Going round his tomorrow after work to try and sort them out but I need support on approaching this without getting emotional and hysterical as its totm and for various other reasons I'm feeling a bit fragile atm.

We didn't make it official for a few months (I left it up to him but got increasingly frustrated) and even now he won't put it on his facebook relationship doodah (ok trivial worry but it bugs me none the less).

He said he didn't want to meet my dcs at the start as he wanted to wait till we were certain of a future. At the time this seemed rather sensible so I agreed, however he is still citing this. The problem now is we only see each other when I don't have them - its not a lot and to be honest I need more from a relationship than three nights a fortnight. This has lead me to start having concerns as he seems in no rush to change it despite many late night converstaions where he has said he falls hard in relationships etc etc. I have always thought of myself as the opposite.

Its blown up tonight as I don't have dc this weekend but am working so we had arranged that I'd spend weekend at his around work, although he had planned an eve at a festival and I said whichever day he went I'd prefer to go home after instead of being a party pooper as I have to get up very early.

I declined a friends birthday invite too, then after telling me they were going today he has changed it to going out tonight and going tomorrow. And when I protested slightly he said wed see each other tomorrow night.

I've tried explaining how I feel - we see each other mostly 3 nights out of 14 and he still arranges things with friends on those. I don't begrudge this but feel pretty much a bottom priority. I've explained this but he doesn't get it.

We are talking about it tomorrow night - how do I broach this calmly and succinctly?

Any other advice appreciated. He's not a party boy by any means - I think he feels too old but he's a self confessed bachelor, and I need to make it clear that while I don't want to rush things, I want to think of the future!

Hi - I'm so not an expert but didnt want to see you hanging here alone...

Ummm... to be honest, you say he is v lovely but you also say he doesnt make you feel like a priority. That would be a contradiction for me. I'd not want to have a 'big talk' with a man who seems not that bought into a relationship. That sort of thing is difficult enough with someone who is really committed. I'd just worry that you put your heart into something and he was all a bit meh about it, because thats pretty painful IMO.

I'd say at the least, don't announce it as a 'talk' and ask questions to find out where his head is rather than launching a load of your thoughts and feelings. Its a lot easier to control yourself when asking open questions than baring your soul.

Good Luck x

Lunavix, I notice from one of your other threads that your ex was v controlling.

I may be totally on the wrong track but I'm wondering if you need some time on your own now to really discover who you are and build some self-esteem.

Because to be really honest, it sounds like this guy is really not that bothered about you, he doesn't want to put you first that's for sure and you seem willing to accept that.

You are worth more than that and you should be with someone who will put you first and make making you happy his priority.

Don't settle for something second best because that's all you believe you deserve. You deserve the best.

Hi again, just to add.. theres a book called "He's just not that into you" which is pretty harsh reading but very good at cutting through any self-doubts or bargaining that you may be doing when you have a relationship thats not giving you what you need. Its funny but being brutally honest about this stuff makes you feel a lot stronger ultimately.

You need to spell it out and ask him where he stands - it's clear that what you want is for the relationship to move up a level. You need to find out what he wants, because if it's not the same thing, then maybe it's not the right thing for you at the moment. Remember that it's a relationship, not a contract - you can walk away at any time, and you should only be there if you are SURE it is what you want. He is not going to be the last nice guy you ever meet, he is not going to be the last person to give you butterflies. If it's not working, it's ok to cut your losses, learn from it and move on. It pays to know that you are OK being single too! And I know this all sounds really negative but once I realised that I didn't want to be in any relationship unless it was 100% right, I felt so much more confident in myself and within a relationship. And I know this all sounds quite negative re the relationship, but if you can be frank with him and find out what he is thinking, you might find that he is just panicking himself and didn't know how to talk to you about it. But equally if he is messing you around, then you probably are better off without him.

I know it is hard but you need to try not to get emotional about it at the time. Think about what you want to ask him beforehand and make sure you ask those questions. Maybe even (I know this sounds silly) practice asking them before you see him.

Good luck

While reading your OP, I was thinking "she's looking too hard, trying too much". Then I read Badinfluence's post re previously abusive relationship.

From what you wrote, it's like this: He changes his plans to suit him - fine; only he doesn't realise how much that means to you (and how much hassle it causes). He respects your family life, but won't put himself out for your family. Have you thought that, maybe, he's a decent bloke who doesn't want to forge bonds with children who may not know him for very long after all?

What you've posted suggest he's an okay guy, who views your relationship as a casual, not-for-keeps thing. That doesn't make him bad. But it does mean you can't afford to invest your heart's hopes in it. If you're not comfortable with an easy-come, easy-go, type of affair then you need to call time on this one.

You seem a little 'yearning'. Can you get yourself on an assertiveness course (they usually have info on free/cheap ones at the library, the council offices & the CAB)?

Stay safe & take time to love yourself! Cheesy but worthwhile

Grrr, I wish you could edit posts here! Realised my message looks as though I'm trying to say you're in the wrong. I'm not. After 5 months, it would be reasonable to expect more "couple-ness" than you two have together. It isn't happening. So you need to face that fact. What was worrying me is that, after a few months of easy-come, easy-go, with someone you had higher hopes of ... most people would have knocked it on the head. That's where I inferred the 'yearning' from you.

It doesn't make you wrong; it suggests your expectations are way too low. Hope that makes sense!

I am sorry to say this but sounds like he's just not that into you

i think you're more committed to the relationship than he is.

i'd say that you'd like to move the relationship on a bit, otherwise call it quits. and then take it from there.

either way LISTEN to what he says. if he says he's not ready to meet the kids and can't commit more than he is already accept it and move on.

you're not happy with the status quo. there are other opportunities although it might not feel like it right now.

You say that he still doesn't want to meet your DCs as he still says he doesn't feel certain of a future? Seems he is being clear about the way that he feels. It's fair enough if you decide that after 5 months you would like to try and move things on so that you could see more of him but if he decides that he is not certain enough then really you need to walk away, let him know you're sad about it but it's pointless to become hysterical and likely to make him think that he made the right choice in not getting too close. If you stop seeing each other for a while and he misses you a lot then he might come back and say he realises he wants a future. Your choice then whether to accept. Who knows, you might find that you don't miss him so much if you stop seeing him.

It sounds like if you were to see more of each other you'd have to do it at your place with the DCs at home. Seems decent of him to not to want to confuse them and possibly hurt them by being around for a while and then a break up. Has he been with a woman with children before and perhaps suffered the pain of a break up where there are children he had got close to?

When you say that he still arranges things with friends on the nights that you meet, do you mean that you are invited along too? If you are this seems like a good sign in that he is including you in his life.

Wanting someone to put "relationship" on FB sounds somewhat immature to me I'm sorry to say. On the one hand I can see that it might make you feel more secure but it means nothing and as adults, why post such things in public? On the other hand, if it means that there are other females on the friends list he is hedging his bets with, that's a good sign that, he's not in the least ready to commit.

I think as you see him so rarely it is easy to cancel things you want to do because he is available. I would stop doing that. Make yourself more of a priority instead of him and a relationship.

I would say

You want more than you are getting and then say what you would like to see happen and then leave saying you will give him time to think about things.