How to deal with his (ex)OH.....

[SamJones]

I know I haven't posted in a fair while, so I hope that won't count against me....

Apologies that it's long but I felt a lot of the detail was needed.

Hmm... where to start? I have known M for many many years and our dds are school friends. I have always found his wife hard to deal with, and I could see that she, imo treated him pretty badly. Very little respect and nothing in the way of warmth that you might expect between a married couple, and always her being very controlling and constantly putting him down.

Anyway last November she threw him out, and has consistently refused him anything other than supervised access to his dds, despite him paying the majority of the household bills (she works full time too) and generally helping out if needed.

Over the last couple of months M and I have become very close and I actually feel that our relationship has serious potential for the future. We realised that it would need careful handling as far as the kids are concerned, and expected his (ex)OH to be unimpressed, however her reaction is closer to lunacy. She texts him constantly with varying insulting attacks on him, and me, his family, threats to take the dds away, that he will never see them again. They also contain amazingly creative tales about what my dd has been saying (that I know categorically are untrue).

I have discussed the situation with my 12 yo dd, who is a pretty switched on cookie, on various occasions and am as comfortable as I can be that she has no serious objections to our relationship. In fact she did on one occasion say ?don?t worry about what people like her think. She has always been weird?.

M has so far not had the chance to discuss things in person with his dd?s, and they only hear what his (ex)OH tells them, though the one that is friends with my dd would appear to have no problem with the idea when she is at school with her.

So ? are we being unrealistic in thinking that this sort of situation can be resolved? Until today everything had been directed at him, but today while he was at my house having a coffee (he is living with his parents for now) she came hammering on the door and while she directed everything at M, it still exposed my dd and my 6yo ds to her temper and general ?outofcontrol?ness.

Any ideas on how to a) get her to back off and leave us be, b) the best way for him to deal with trying to maintain his relationship with his kids ? he is resisting going the legal route for now as he is still hoping to find a way to come to an agreement with his (ex)OH.
Or any other thoughts in general.

Hopeful bump

i think his hopes of an agreement are unrealistic, she doesn't sound particularly agreeable!
he really is vulnerable without legal advice.
i hope things work out for you both

Agree with Maristella. How can he possibly think he can work things out with this woman. Surely the only recourse is to go down the legal route. And as quickly as possible. The children will otherwise see more and more dysfunction. Take action! Good luck.

I'm sure others will be along with more professional advice soon.

Thank you.

I agree with you, and keep suggesting it, but there is part of me that feels it is between him and her and not my place to insist.

The other thing that I cannot grasp is how she doesn't feel the need to shield her dd's from all this as opposed to actively involving and manipulating them. I mean she is a primary school teacher fgs!

Hi Sam,

For what you're saying, your M has been psychologically (and probably physically) abused by his wife for ages. He is probably in the first stages of breaking free and it will take time and pain. Take an example of what many women here go through in order to leave their abusive DHs and apply it to him. He probably still feels close to his wife and does not want to hurt her, despite her having no problems to hurt him at all. It is going to be very hard for you, because he will take his time and will probably refuse to take what you believe are the most logical steps. If you have patience and can stick by his side all the time giving him space, he will get out of that situation and have you as his rock.

My OH was in a similar relationship. It took him 7 years to decide to get out. Then he met me and she turned on the tap of "mental manipulation". He didn't budge to that, but it was very hard for him, and for me. But it was definitely so worth it in the end... he is a sweet, loving person. Men who have gone through this are usually patient, caring, and respectful themselves. If you love him, keep there for him.

Definitely the legal route and also keep all the texts she sends and I would also go as far as threatening that he will have to report her to the police if she keeps harassing him (by turning up at your door). You can make a complaint to the police, they'll give her a warning and he can log a record everytime she does something ... which will hopefully help his case when he goes to court to sort out regular access with his children.

What a nightmare.

agree completely - stop tiptoeing about her and get the solicitor involved - its affecting the kids so its gone too far imo

Mediation or a solicitors letter warning that you are about to file a c1

the longer he leaves it, the more alienated the dc will become from their dad

Thank you all for your answers.

I think he is starting to realise that he will have to go the legal route. What is a C1 btw?

aurynne - thank you for your perspective. That is how I have been wanting to describe the situation but it sort of seemed a bit melodramatic. But maybe that is me wanting to see the best in people rather than accepting than some simply have a screw loose. I will try to discuss things from that angle with M as I think it may help him interpret his ex's actions better. So far he seems a bit baffled about why she is being like this.

Would it be OTT to suggest that he either has witnesses (other than their dd's) to their discussions or at least has a personal recorder on him, in case she tries to make stuff up about him threatening her or getting violent? He is in a professional position at work and allegations like that could cause him a lot of problems.

I doubt recordings would be any use. He needs to limit contact with her tho.....

C1. First application to court for contact. Www.wikivorce.com.
Full of good advice and good forums

Echo what everyone else has said - and really there are two situations; the harassment that has taken place at your home, involving your children (which is completely your place to deal with and you must do whatever is necessary to shield your children) and his relationship with her and his children (in which your role is supportive but he has to make the decisions).

I would contact the police and make sure she is told that you consider her behaviour harassment and that you will prosecute if she comes near again.

Your Partner needs to emotionally disengage from her behaviour and consider what is best for the children. It is possible she may calm down and get used to the situation but as she has been restricting his contact with the children prior to you two getting together, that situation needs urgent action.

Get him to check out the Families need fathers website and get some free legal advice.

Didn't see the last two posts - I disagree with 3BB and would definitely advise him not to be alone with her and if he has to be, a personal recorder is a very good idea. Abusers often ramp up the abuse when their 'victim' is breaking free, and so you should try to protect yourselves from false allegations.

if he limits contact with her he wont need recordings....recordings are happily accepted as evidence are they??

Well I'm not sure about 'happily' but yes, transcripts of recordings can be submitted in Family Court and can be invaluable if there are any false allegations.

Doesn't the other party have to be informed that they are to be recorded? After 2 years in the court syste
with my ex I remember the judge refusing a recording the ex tried to submit

You're not allowed to record people talking if you aren't one of those people, IYSWIM, and if you look at my post it is clear that it is transcripts of recordings that can be submitted, not the recordings themselves. I've had personal experience of this happening in two different court cases.

Well yes, obviously a transcript

Tell him to look here for advice:

dads-uk.co.uk/main/news.php

There is a very good forum, if you can get past the "all women are bitches" side of it. Sadly the men on there ARE and have been very badly treated by their exes and it does come through - some of the postings are a touch misogynistic .

But there is some excellent legal advice and practical help available - and a section for partners too.

They also recommend recording devices and apparently they are allowable in civil court, but not criminal court. I don't know though - just saying what they have said.

Thanks for the info - I'll pass it on.

Latest development is that apparently his ex is now setting her Dad's dodgy solicitor on me to sue for malicious intent, whatever the hell that is. I don't have full details yet but it seems she is claiming that I am the one who has been using my daughter to get at hers and to cause problems with them or some such idiocy. As usual deflecting everything she does onto me.
I'm not sure yet how I'm to handle this - I'm f*ing livid and feel like saying 'come on then - prove it!' But I don't have the finances to engage a fancy solicitor in return, and have no idea what she might trump up!

Sitting in a state of shock and confusion as well as having steam coming out of my ears!!!