Going round in circles - what if I can't forgive or forget?

[StayGoStayGo]

DH and I have had a tough time in the past, mostly down to his immature behaviour. I forgave and forgave and we sort of moved on. He does nothing really wrong now, but I cannot forget the past. If any one of the many things happened now I would send him packing, so it's hard to get my head around. I know that if he does anything again I will leave, but it feels like it will happen and it's exhausting almost knowing it will and I have to keep up all the checks and cannot commit fully. Nothing except my own paranoia is making me think something will happen again (briefly he has left in the past, text another woman, possibly two, other general crap bahviour). On top of all this I cannot help thinking he just doesn't love me. We discuss this all the time, he says he understands but it doesn't change. He says he does and shows me by pretty much doing everything at the moment. I have really bad SPD and can barely move at the moment, so he is really doing everything ontop of working etc. I caught him moaning to an 'old school friend' about this, but in a way that made me sound awful and lazy which didn't help matters. He says I don't apprechiate what he does, but I say I really do (I really really do) but if I hired a cook, a cleaner, a nanny etc. there would be nothing for him to do - he does all of that but nothing that really specifically 'as my husband'. There is no affection. I know so much about him, I feel our life is living his life, everything is about him. I told him this and asked him what job he thought I wanted to do when the DCs are old enough. He didn't know. The main point was if I was happy with no affection, no kisses and cuddles etc. there would be none. He does it for me (which he thinks is a good thing..?) but not actually because he wants to. We are married, and sadly I was the 'driving force' behind that one. He could take it or leave it. I want our marriage blessed and have left that totally in his court, and it's now been nearly 5 years. I know if I didn't instigate the marriage, we wouldn't be married. Then I see him work so hard around the home - he really would do anything for me (but if I ask) and I feel so so bad that I just want more and more.

DH and I have had a tough time in the past, mostly down to his immature behaviour. I forgave and forgave and we sort of moved on. He does nothing really wrong now, but I cannot forget the past. If any one of the many things happened now I would send him packing, so it's hard to get my head around. I know that if he does anything again I will leave, but it feels like it will happen and it's exhausting almost knowing it will and I have to keep up all the checks and cannot commit fully.

Nothing except my own paranoia is making me think something will happen again (briefly he has left in the past, text another woman, possibly two, other general crap bahviour). On top of all this I cannot help thinking he just doesn't love me.

We discuss this all the time, he says he understands but it doesn't change. He says he does and shows me by pretty much doing everything at the moment. I have really bad SPD and can barely move at the moment, so he is really doing everything ontop of working etc. I caught him moaning to an 'old school friend' about this, but in a way that made me sound awful and lazy which didn't help matters.

He says I don't apprechiate what he does, but I say I really do (I really really do) but if I hired a cook, a cleaner, a nanny etc. there would be nothing for him to do - he does all of that but nothing that really specifically 'as my husband'. There is no affection. I know so much about him, I feel our life is living his life, everything is about him. I told him this and asked him what job he thought I wanted to do when the DCs are old enough. He didn't know.

The main point was if I was happy with no affection, no kisses and cuddles etc. there would be none. He does it for me (which he thinks is a good thing..?) but not actually because he wants to.

We are married, and sadly I was the 'driving force' behind that one. He could take it or leave it. I want our marriage blessed and have left that totally in his court, and it's now been nearly 5 years. I know if I didn't instigate the marriage, we wouldn't be married. Then I see him work so hard around the home - he really would do anything for me (but if I ask) and I feel so so bad that I just want more and more.

Sorry, have tried to make that abit easier to digest

why should he have ideas for what job you would want to do later? isnt it for you to decide not him? not sure i understand this?

you dont trust him - but the constant talking about it and as you admit your paranoia wont help. either you trust him or you dont.

if you can afford outside help then get it!

maybe go to relate or counselling for yourself.

Sorry, I mean I have my own goals etc. but he doesn't know them. I have talked to him about them, mentioned that the local college is doing X course etc. but he doesn't listen at all. Or even thought to ask "actually, what does my wife want to do with her life". When I asked if he knew what I wanted to do he said "Err... something to do with horses?". I fell off a horse (badly) about 8 years ago and haven't ridden since we met. To him I am some girl who likes horses (??). I suggested Relate, and he suggested it again the other day (both of us seperately asked for the forms and they never came, me about 2 years ago , him I think about a year ago). I need telling what to do I guess - we already talk loads which I thought was what relate makes you do, but then just don't know what to do.

Cannot afford outside help, but if we could my point was (god I sound tendious!) take away his role as a cook, cleaner, nanny etc. then we would just sit staring at eachother. I am grateful, so grateful for what he does, but he thinks that is love, that is being a husband. Full stop basically. There is nothing he does that is specific to being a husband. As I said, if we got a cook/cleaner/nanny etc. there would be nothing. He never wants sex, which I have just put down to my appearence now so until I have the baby and lose weight etc. I am putting it to the back of my mind. He says it's stress/tiredness etc. but will play his playstation an hour or so a night and last year obviously had some sort of libido as porn came up on the internet search history.

well if you dont have much fun together ... ??

clealry you did have sex if you pregnant?

and pregnancy is maybe not good time to make drastic decisions?

but....a good counsellor will help direct your talking - by interjecting with relvant questions which might make you stop and think... they might say

"but have your thought about xxxx"

"what would happen if xxxx?"

or "how does xxx make you feel?" (i know is classic but asked at the right time it can make a difference to how you view a situaion - because if you going round in circles saying same things over and over - then an outside view can just help to trigger different ways of looking at a situation and help you come up with your own solutions/way forward.

Yes, we have some sex but since I have been pregnant it's been 3 times, in 7 odd months. I had therapy for my PTSD/depression but you could not take children and DH wouldn't even ask about taking an hour or so out from work. I paid £50 in taxis one week (I had to take DS but nothing much could be done with him there) which we cannot afford at all, and another week a MNer took me. I dunno, maybe relate will help but I cannot help feeling he just doesn't love me. I cannot get my head around not wanting to take anyone, let alone your spouse, for medical treatment.

Well, that answers my question. If I had the money I would do that

I'm sorry. but I really don't understand what you want. He , by your own admission, does pretty much everything at the moment. and you are moaning that he doesn't do stuff 'specific to being a husband'. What do you want him to do? You complain about a lack of affection. How many times have we read on these threads, about women who are finding it hard to give affection to their partners? And almost always, the cry goes up to get him to do more around the house so the women are not so knackered. Your DH is doing what those threads demand of other DH's, and more because he is doing it all as well as going out to work. He is knackered. And therefore, finding the affection stuff hard to do on top of everything else at the moment.

You obviously have problems in the relationship, but I really don't know that always demanding more and more from him is going to help the situation.

Maybe you do need to see someone on your own to talk through why you think he is not doing enough, because to me it sounds as though he is doing about as much as he can.

You're prob. right. He has the same views. I just feel lonely and unloved, but maybe I want abit too much

Is he really doing stuff to help or simply to 'keep you sweet' as my Relate counsellor put it. Because if it's the latter, it doesn't matter how much he does it'll never help the situation because it is about keeping you off his back rather than because of his committment to you and your relationship.

If you feel lonely and unloved, perhaps it's because you are lonely and unloved.

I'm not sure, I always feel it's to keep me sweet. I dunno. It's amazing how alone you can feel even if someone is in the same room.

If I get upset and, say, go into the bedroom and cry he will do stuff like walk past the door whistling.

In one awful row my H said 'Well what's so wrong, what would it be like if it was what you wanted?' It was quite a wake-up call. I told him exactly, calmly and without anger. It wasn't impossible, it was the relationship we used to have. He recognised exactly what I was saying and said he wanted the same.

Still nothing changed. It took me a very very long time to work out that what he was saying and what he was doing did not match up and that while I was listening to and believing the words I was not watching the actions. 'Love is as love does.'

However, while I was believing him I was wearing myself out. I still can't really explain to even myself what was so wrong. I tied myself in knots trying to work out what was wrong, trying to help things, trying to make things right. It was completely and utterly exhausting.

It now looks very much like he was waiting for me to call time so that he could be the 'good guy'. In the end, I realised that he didn't want to be with me, wasn't even sure he loved me and had been having doubts about the relationship for over 13 years!

What kept me there for such a long time was the feeling that if I could just explain what was wrong to him, we'd be able to sort it out. It turned out it wasn't my explaining that was at fault, he simply wasn't listening.