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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No intimacy since birth of 10 month old

17 replies

mummyjojo2D · 31/07/2005 00:55

Since our dd was born 10 months ago relationship with dp is gone very much down hill. There is little or no intimacy between us, towards the end of pg dp wouldn't have sex cos he felt uncomfortable (even when i was almost 2 weeks late and practicaly begging him for it to bring it on) Then of course after birth he didn't get why i didn't want it. I had stitches, was bf so lack of hormones etc. He works and I stay home which is what I wanted but b4 having dd I was the highest earner with a good career which I dont regret giving up or putting on hold but I feel as if he has me where he wants me now cooking cleaning and looking after him and dd. Now all we do is argue he tells me he loves me loads but I dont think he is "in love with me" he complains about everything, I dont do enough at home ( just run around after a very active 10 mo old all day) I am too fat even though Im back in my pre pg jeans, yes I have a Jelly belly now but dont most women (except celebs) at this stage. He tells friends that i do a great job with dd but but never shows me any appreciation for what i do.
We have been together for 4 years and I know he will never marry me! We got engaged Nearly 2 years ago and that was only cos I instigated it, if it had been up to him It wouldn't have happened. I see that now looking back. I just dont know what to do, I cant imagine life without him but I feel as if maybe we are not right for each other, we dont have fun anymore we never have a laugh when he is not at work (he works shifts), we either just watch TV, he reads or I'm on internet. dd sleeps in our bed so no intimacy there and he works evenings quite a lot. we have been intimate once in last 3 months. maybe thats not so strange I dont know. Sorry to go on but I havn't told anyone this and need to get it of my chest. Tbh this is just scatching the surface. It makes it real when you say it out loud dosn't it

OP posts:

Norash · 31/07/2005 01:04

THE MAN DON'T WANT YOU LOVE.

ggglimpopo · 31/07/2005 01:09

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mummyjojo2D · 31/07/2005 01:10

Get to the point why dont you!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 31/07/2005 01:11

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mummyjojo2D · 31/07/2005 01:21

thanks ggg
I talk to him when things crop up but more often than not it just gets into an argument and we go off on all kinds of tangents. I havn't laid it on the line as I have here.
You are right we do need to get back on track, tbh I think his background has a lot to do with it. He left is country to live over here alone when he was 17. Hes not had much coaching on family life and being a family man if that makes sense. I think he might be struggeling with coming to terms with his responsibility

OP posts:

Norash · 31/07/2005 01:21

Ok guys maybe that was a bit too bland for confort but Mummyjojo2D. You Read your message and imagine for a moment that it was someone else posting on here, what would you think?

Bare in mind the question is what would you think as oppossed to what would you say.

Norash · 31/07/2005 01:24

How long did you know him before you got pregnant?

Original poster

mummyjojo2D · 31/07/2005 01:25

I get what your saying norash but we have a 10 mo old and I'm not about so break up her family. I want her to have her dad around, unlike me. He is a great dad and he loves his little girl to death.
If it was as simple as that i would'nt bother posting.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummyjojo2D · 31/07/2005 01:27

we where living together for over 2 1/2 years and had known eachother for 6 months b4 getting together.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummyjojo2D · 31/07/2005 01:28

dd was planned and very much wanted.

OP posts:

Norash · 31/07/2005 01:36

Look, you know what I would honestly say that you are not doing yourself or your daughter any favours.

From experience you think you are staying for her? She will end up paying for it (Been there)
Are you sending a message to your daughter that if she ever gets a child with someone who she is not happy with, then she should stay with the "SHITE" because they have a child together.
Look it is better to have parents who are living apart and are happy with each other, than parents who are not happy with each other. It's only a matter of time before she starts picking up on the tension.

angelp · 31/07/2005 08:10

I agree with what you are saying Norash that there is no point staying together just for the children as it is not always the best solution but I really don't feel that in what mummyjojo has posted so far it has come to that in her relationship.
MJ I can totally sympathise with you because this is how I felt and do still feel to a certain extent. You need to have a good talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel and what is upsetting you. It can take men a long time to get used to being a parent and to fully understand or be able to cope with what being a parent really means. Some people on here seem to have fabulous supportive and helpful partners and it makes it even harder reading their posts, but believe me there are lots of us who struggle at times. You are not alone and it is great that you can get it off your chest here. After a baby comes along, the spontaneity goes and you have to make an effort to go out or spend time together which makes it harder. You also feel if you have to try so hard is it worth it...but give it a go. Try to spend some time alone together even if its just a walk or drink in the pub, and please tell him how you feel

MeerkatsUnite · 31/07/2005 09:37

Mummyjojo

I think an honest talk with him would assist but I feel his problems with intimacy (he feeling uncomfortable towards the end of your pg was an excuse) and allowing himself to be close to another person (you as a couple got engaged because you pushed this issue) go far deeper than perhaps realised. Both of you need to address these issues head on otherwise you could carry on like this indefinately.

Would you consider talking to Relate - ideally both of you could go there together but if he was not willing you could go on your own. I think talking this through with someone impartial may help.

Would you also consider your relationship was 100% happy before DD came into the world or were there underlying problems then?. You do not of course have to answer that question. I only say this because if the relationship had any serious problems beforehand then a child is not going to help shore up any cracks that were there before - it will just widen them.

Lizita · 31/07/2005 13:44

I agree that your relationship hasn't come to the point Norash is talking about.
My dd is almost 2 My dp is not her father & we got together just before I found out I was pg, so there were a whole host of issues, but because he is not her father, not living with us, or playing father, we had the rare opportunity to really make an effort to have time for each other, hard as it was with a new baby. This is what you need to do. When dd was a baby I used to be very thankful that dp wasn't her father and we weren't being a family because I could quite easily see how it could go down the road you've gone down. So, no, you're not alone, and I believe you just need to make quality time for yourselves as a couple. Plus, if the baby is taking up loads of time still (ie not sleeping through the night, bf frequently) rest assured "this too shall pass" and it'll get easier as she gets older and you'll have more time to yourselves.
Re him not understanding how hard you work as a mother, will men (except SAHDs that is) ever!! This really frustrates me... With my dp it is great cos we have had honest, uncharged discussions about this (ie no emotive reasons for discussing it, no blame or anything) but he STILL makes comments after a hard day like "Yeah but at least you didn't have to go to work". Grrrrr!

smellymelly · 31/07/2005 13:53

It doesn't sound to me as though it is as bad as Norash says either.

From my experience, having a baby puts a huge strain on a relationship, but it doesn't have to be all bad. You just need to make time for each other.

The best thing you can do is get your dd to sleep in her own cot. Then talk talk talk!!! You must communicate to each other how you are both feeling.

If you are watching tv together then try to cuddle up to each other. If you can't get a babysitter yet and go out, then maybe you or your dp could cook each other a special meal... etc.

If you know you have tried everything you can to get back on track, then please do not just stay together for your daughters sake, as it will make you all sad. But you have to know that you have tried everything.

Lizita · 31/07/2005 14:15

oh yeah sorry, forgot you said dd was sleeping in your bed. Yes that would have a big effect on the relationship. My dd slept in my bed till 5/6 months old and it made a world of difference once she was sleeping in her own cot, and sleeping through consistently too.

dp and I watched (and still do) a lot of films together, which for some reason feels more sociable and more quality time than just watching telly does, like a mini cinema.

Original poster

mummyjojo2D · 31/07/2005 22:41

Thanks for all the positive stuff our relationship is not at its end we just have a few issues which it seems are not that strange with such a big change (ie having a baby).
When i said I pushed the engagement, what I ment was dp is just happy to let things carry on as always,(I guess he is not very pro-active) not that he didnt want to move things on. Our relationship b4 dd was good but along with all the changes of having a baby I have given up work which is a massive change in its self, I have worked hard and long hours since i was 16, now i am home every day. When i was working we both worked shifts so some weeks we could only spend 1 evening and 1 day together all week so time together was special, I realise talking this over on here, that is what I miss. I will talk to him, we need to make time for ourselfs dont we.
BTW I was misunderstood if anyone thought I was only sticking around for the sake of dd, I am not naive enugh to think that would do any of us any good, but I do belive it is my duty as a parent to do all I can to make it work b4 throwing in the towel.

OP posts:

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