How do I sort my marriage out? Really want to but am at a loss

[euromum]

I am a regular lurker on mn and have posted on and off, but have been getting up the courage for this thread for a while. I know I?ll get some valuable opinions and advice but I get nervous just thinking things through by myself (which I suppose is why I?m here now), so please be gentle.

I?m not sure what I?m asking, but here?s my ?issue?, and sorry, it?s a bit long:

Been married for 8 years, together just over 10. We have 2 dc (almost 3y, and 11mo). Since we got married we have been having problems which have ?ebbed and flowed? but basically been getting gradually worse, which stem from us having very unequal sex drives. Mine is much higher/stronger than his. I?ve been struggling the whole time with feelings of immense sexual frustration and feelings of rejection, and tied in with that also frustration about how impossible it seems to be for us to sort things out.

Obviously as this has been going on for some time, it?s raised/created a whole load of other issues which have also become pretty problematic. This winter has been awful. I am a talker, her shuts down. He is anyway much less affectionate (we also have very different backgrounds in this respect) and our physical difficulties have only made this worse, with the result that I feel really starved of touch a lot of the time, and unloved. We both work (me 4 days) and I find myself resenting the sharing out of domestic tasks even though in reality I think it?s acceptable, I think because of general and misplaced resentment.

I don?t want to be feeling like this, and I don?t want this situation to continue.

We did a few sessions of counselling about 18 months ago, but we both felt that the counsellor didn?t suit us well and it didn?t help much. He now won?t try again (with a different therapist) but I have booked myself an appointment in a couple of weeks. I don?t know what to expect and am not sure whether I just feel angry that it is on me to sort out ?my? problem. Dh also is not a big apologiser so I often ? rightly or wrongly ? feel like everything is being made out to be my fault. Tbh I suspect I am mostly wrong about this ? but dh just doesn?t think about these things. He seems to have massive trouble empathising and his usual answer to any ?deep? question is ?don?t know?. But I do believe he loves me and we both mean very well towards each other. It?s just that we seem to have such different ideas of what that is and how to go about it.

He?s recently said (when we were both angry) that we would just have sex 3 times a week and that would be the end of it ? on condition of no more talking about it. This is not exactly what has happened but for understandable reasons ? but I am just so fed up as there is always a reason why not. And will this really solve anything? I don?t know ? it does seem possible that I would just chill out with regular sex and that?ll be it

Sorry I don?t know what I am asking here. I just cannot see what questions I should be asking myself or him. Is it actually possible for us to sort this out? How? Does anyone have any experience of this?

Most of the time I just feel so alone, to be honest you?ll be making me feel better just by replying at all. Poorly ds is waking so will go ? I never have a great deal of mn time so please don't think I've started this up and then deserted. I'll be back this evening I expect.

And thanks, at least for reading my essay!

Sorry no idea why all my ' are ? ...

hi euromum,

3 times a week is loads IMO! We struggle for 2 and are then smugly self-congratulatory afterwards - so go girl, you're doing great if that's what you two do!

Regular sex is surely v difficult with 2 young shildren though? Aren;t you too stressed / knackered? Is he? Does he worry about other things - money, health, work, his family... - maybe there's something he's distracted by?

All marriages have their ups and downs - mine does and I posted a few weeks ago cos we had a big row and I was upset - but the key things for me are:

1. If you love each other deep down it's better to stay together
2. HOW hard would it be to be on your own (and deffo no sex either)
3. Your babise love their daddy and he loves them so you need to try and keep that door open if you can

From what you said, could it be that he feels tired of talking about it and as if he is failing you - so he avoids the subject?
Maybe you could have a bit of time away - a long weekend or something and it would help take some tension away?

I don't knwo if this has helped at all. Probably not - I nearly didn't even post it. Anyway enjoy your evening..!

The trouble with a libido mismatch (one partner wanting sex more frequently than the other) is that it's very easy to get stuck in a cucle of mutual resentment - one partner keeps asking for sex in the hope that it might actually happen, the other partner, feeling pressured, begins avoiding any type of contact or communication out of the fear that it will always lead back to a request for sex so the partners grow further and further apart.
THe most important thing to understand with this situation is that NEITHER OF YOU IS WRONG AND NEITHER OF YOU IS RIGHT in the amount of desire for sex you have. You're just different, and the only way to move forward is for both partners to accept there is a problem and both partners to be willing to compromise and discuss the issue. SOlutions might involve: agreeing that the partner with the higher libido can seek no-strings sex elsewhere; that the partner with the lower libido have a general overhaul at the GP to check that there isn't a medical reason for the loss of interest (low libido due to medical conditions or regular medication is pretty common), agreeing that half the week is partner A's turn to choose whether or not sex will happen and the other half of the week it's partner B's turn to choose (this is great at breaking the vicious cycle because if the sex-reluctant partner knows that there are 3 nights a week on which the other partner may NOT request sex, it takes the pressure off).

Hi SolidGoldBrass, I was sort of hoping you would post as I've seen you speak sense on this on other threads. Do you mind if I ask if this is something you've experienced yourself? If so, how did you deal with it?

Your suggestions sound sensible - though much as I'd love to be cut out for it, I don't think no-strings sex elsewhere is something I could honestly do, I'd rather just split and either find someone else or be celibate (which I currently think woudl be easier). As for seeing the doctor, I have suggested that dh goes, or we both go together, but he really resisted because as far as he's concerned its not a problem, which I was a bit about. But by now I figure that trying to force him into yet another thing he doesn't want to do just isn't going to help. But we've never thought of 'splitting' the week up like that - I'll suggest it and see how we go. I'll have to try not to kill the initiative before it gets started - I have developed a tendency to do this in an effort to try and manage my own expectations - I fear that on his half of the week he wouldn't initiate and on my half he would refuse. Another way in which it's me causing the issue...

You're also spot on about dh avoiding contact or communication, as are you Lucy85 about being tired of talking about it (we both are) and feeling like he's failed. I underestimate the effect that probably as on him I think, but don't know what to do about it because actually, as far as I'm concerned, he has. I guess it's a bit harsh but that's how it is.

And by the way we no way manage it 3 times a week - dh basically shouted at me that if that's what it took to stop the discussions/fights about it, then that's what he would do (ie and please now shut up). Not sure whether he thinks this is a self-sacrificing move or what but we'll see - in any case so far nothing like it. In general we're more like 3 times a month (on a good month) and that's since way before children. I would happily do it that much and more - which has dh thinking I'm a bit of a freak .

It might be worth giving the 'different nights' thing a try but I can see it being difficult if your H is really set on the idea that he's fine and you have a problem. The problem is very much between you and he does have to accept that your feelings matter just as much as his do.

Is it sex you want , or is it him wanting you that you want?