PIL after separation-what are/were yours like?

[SpiritualKnot]

OK, I've posted a lot recently about separating from my dh and am pretty much coming to terms with it all. (He's with a female colleague, not living together but in the same town). We're getting divorced, he moved out last month.

What I cannot come to terms with is that his parents haven't contacted me. This is bothering me more and more every day.

They're both vicars and I thought they'd ring to see how I'm doing. They live about 200 miles away and we saw them once every 3 months or so and I was meant to be going on holiday camping with them this July with my daughter. They take my daughters cousin (their other grandchild) with them and we usually have a lovely week together. I'm not going to go this year. Ex dh has told them this and they sort of said "but oh...think of the children". But I can't face them as they seem to have broken all communication with me. Ex dh hasn't told them about the OW and MIL is not well and he says it would be an awful shock so I can't really say anything.

Ex dh went down there this weekend with dd, first time since our split. I asked him if they'd asked about me and he said "no".

Can't believe it. He says they're not talking about it at all, but he has told them we're getting divorced.

I've always got on really well with them both, especially MIL. Just the fact that they're vicars made me think they'd ring up as a matter of course! I thought they would ring up to possibly discuss the holiday as well. I know they're going to be on his side as he's their son (well his mum's son, the father is his stepfather). She got divorced when my ex dh was 18mths old and he says it is painful for her for due to her own divorce (She'd been married 7 years and threw him out, this was about 37 years ago).

Has this happened to other women as well? If so, what happened longer term?

SK

PS: I dare not initiate contact with them myself as I'd probably blurt out about the other woman after 10 seconds or so....if they phoned me I'd probably just chat...

SK

how do you know what he has said to them. if they don't know about the OW, they obviously don't know the truth.
Where you say" they seem to have broken all communication with me".... they could be thinking the same.
they sound like good people. could you not contact them.. email/text/phone just to say hello.
I haven't read any of your other posts, is split with your ex amicable? he is not going to put himself in an unfavourable light with his own parents really

out of sight out of mind in my case. the odd text from them maybe once every 9 moths, other than that, nought.

But Ive alwys thought to myself that Ive no idea what he's told them, for all i know he's told them he left me for being a satan worchipping crack whore... so i dont blame them.

its sad, but their loss.

Does that bother you foureleven? I find myself wondering what he's told them, or rather not told them.

Hi whatname, yes the split is pretty amicable, for now, just started the divorce, so things could change. Think I X posted, can't really contact them in case I blurt out the truth.

Maybe they're praying for me every night and think that'll just about cover it.

SK

SK - As you might remember from your original thread, I queried whether there was an OW. The more I've read from you about your H, the clearer picture I get of a man who is all about "appearances", evidenced by his lies about why he was leaving, his re-writing of history, his obsession with DD going to church and his failure to come clean to his family about the OW.

I see a very different scenario to you. I bet he has told his parents some cock and bull story about why the marriage broke up and has said that you want no more contact with them and don't want to speak to them. You could probably hear him saying "Sigh...SK has even said now that she won't go on the holiday with you. Such a shame as the children were so looking forward to it. I've tried to persuade her and asked her to put the children first, but really, she doesn't want anything to do with my side of the family anymore."

I'd be willing to bet that they are asking about you all the time, but let's face it he's got a lot invested in you not having a conversation with them in case you blow the lid on this crock of shite he's been telling them.

So in your shoes, I'd take the initiative and ring them. I wouldn't cover up for him at all. Why should you collude in his obsession with appearances?

Trust what you know. If MIL has always been lovely, she hasn't changed out of all recognition you know. She's probably terribly conflicted and probably tells her husband each night that they ought to ring you, that she's worried about you etc. FIL might be advising her not to get involved as it will only upset her...you know the drill.

It has to become a habit for you that you disbelieve most of what comes out of your H's mouth now - he's a proven liar and selfish to the bone - what sort of father convinces himself that leaving a marriage is wise just before your son's A levels?

What he's telling you about your PIL is in all probability a tissue of lies.

Call his bluff.

Oh meant to say too. That stuff about his Mum not being well and not strong enough to take "the shock" of an OW is also likely to be a crock. If they've got any sense at all - and vicars do tend to administer a lot of pastoral care to parishioners with marriage problems - they have already entertained the possibility that there is an OW - or OM for that matter.

I never heard from mine ever again, they were awful people anyway but youd think they would show some concern for their gc wouldnt you. Understandable your upset.

Sk my arse re his mum being ill, terrible shock ect. He doesnt want to tell her because she,ll probably think hes a weasel, which he is. I would phone re the holiday, saying you dont feel you can go ect, and id explain why too . Its not for you to keep his sordid secrets.

Dont presume theyve stopped contact with you, you know hes a liar , hes probably given them the same bullshit hes given you " Boo hoo, weve seperated cos i need space after my freind died ".

Bollocks to that, grass on him, and grass on him for being a perv too !

Thanks for replies. I spose I need to check really. Maybe I can ring his mum to see how she's gettin on as ex dh has said she's not well. She's not well, that's not made up...they think she's had a few small strokes and has become slightly weak on one side. But can't see her admitting to being unwell, that's my ex dh saying that, not her.

Or I could ring up FIL and chat with him.

I'm seeing ex dh today, I'll watch his reaction when I say I might be phoning.

Actually, he's doing me a big favour today. I'm having laser eye surgery today with a check up tomorrow. He'a taking and returning me both days, as I can't drive and they're not happy for me to take the train either ie, shouldn't be by myself after.

So maybe I'll wait until that's done and then suggest it. I originally thought that I'd wait to tell them after the divorce and after the finances are sorted. But that's ages and he could well deny knowing this OW bwfore the divorce and say it was sour grapes on my side.

SK

"I'm seeing ex dh today, I'll watch his reaction when I say I might be phoning."

So you are going to ask his permission and let him keep calling the shots?

They are your PILs, they care about you and are probably very confused about the whole situation. Call them up and say hello, they will be glad to hear from you.

Sorry you're experiencing this, especially if you were close to MIL. I agree you should contact her and let her know the truth, then they can make their own minds up about how they want your relationship to be in future.

If they are sensible people they will not judge you nor take sides, sit on the fence maybe but all the same not openly take sides.

My PIL have been fantastic since my split. I have been to stay with them, they call me every week.

I know they adore their son and they haven't taken sides, they have been very non-judgemental, and have probably not really told me how they feel about what has happened. But I know they are disappointed in him and disapprove of what he has done to me and their GC.

I hope your PIL will be as kind and reasonable, you are part of their family too.

Hi again

As soon as I typed the bit about telling my ex dh I was going to phone I wondered about it.

Won't tell him, think I'll phone to talk about the holiday as suggested on here. Can't really afford it now anyway, so probably won't go. It's not too expensive but fully catered camping with entertainment so dearer than the normal camp holiday.

Nice to hear that it is possible to stay friendly with in-laws. Will see how it goes.

SK

He is clearly being a coward and refusing to tell them the truth and stonewalling any enquiries about what's going on. So he probably tells them he doesn't want to talk about the break up and ever so subtly allows them to think that you are the cause of it all.

Why shouldn't you be open with them if you speak to them? - it's the truth after all and it is going to come out sooner or later.

The important thing is that your child gets to continue his relationship with his GPs unaffected by this. So you need to take the relationship with them into your own hands and stop allowing him to manipulate things to cover his own cowardly arse.

I have an exhusband and a set of ex-inlaws.
For most people the relationship with inlaws reduces and often vanishes when you separate. Shows what a piece of nonsense it is about your inlaws being"family" really.
My new inlaws are nice, but they aren't my family, and if my husband and I separated I doubt we'd have much to do with each other.
If you like them and want them to know the truth you could phone them or write to them. I'd stick to facts, if you do alot of "poor me" and "evil him" it will just make them defend their son, rather than if you have a calmer tone where they are more likely to see the truth of the situation.

I have a similar issue with my ex?s family. The majority have not contacted me ? and more importantly my daughter ? since 2nd Jan when my Twunt moved out. Their pathetic excuse all the time is that they ?don?t know what to say?, or ?it?s all still early days? and their latest is ?no-one wants to be in the middle of yours and D?s situation?.

It makes me sooooo mad that they have only listened to his side of the story and although they say their don?t condone his actions (he was having and affair, OW dumped him when he told her he?d left me and now he?s having an affair with his sister?s ex-best friend!).

I asked them straight away not to lose contact with me daughter, but even she is not important enough.

Horrible, horrible, horrible.

There are 3 members of his huge family who have bucked the trend and still contact us.

SK- it doesnt bother me, as I say, its their loss.

Update:MIL phoned this morning! Had a little chat about my recent eye surgery and discussed ex dh a bit. Said we were getting on quite well. Mentioned v casually that he did have someone else, didn't say that was his reason for leaving, but she assumed that that was the case. She seemed to know this already? Couldn't really tell.

Also said, v casually, that I s'posed people pushed their partner away when they were thinking about becoming involved with someone else, as I think, from a letter I saw from her to ex dh, she thought I'd been v selfish in our marriage.

Anyway, it went ok. Don't know whether ex dh had asked her to ring, as she knew about my eye surgery which I only had done 2 days ago. Glad she phoned because it was really bothering me.

SK

fwiw, XPIL played both sides of the fence - and for a while it really really annoyed me, she would say one thing to me and something totally different to xh - ie tell me it would work out & she'd talk to XH and to XH say don't worry about it I did it to your dad, and stuff like that.

fast forward 2.5 years however and they holiday at my house in the summer for a week. they live 200 miles away. DS rings them (I assume) when he's with his dad, but I don't mind infact also encourage him to ring when he's not here.

MIL do talk now - mostly about the kids (she has 2 GD's who i'm quite sad i'll never meet) but she'll ask about that or tell me about them. I send up little bits for birthdays for them & stuff. ultimately it's hard work - to a degree it's the 'bigger person' I could like you easily get the arse say you're nothing to do with me you don't bother etc etc but on the other hand the only one who misses out is DS - for me it's important that he knows both sides of his family. so in essence I play the game at arm's lenght send pics etc etc up, and one week a year out of my life it's that bigger deal when for DS it is.

it gets easier.

I've had similar issues with my lovely in-laws, they haven't phoned etc.

But last time they visited my ex, I really saw just how distressed my MIL was about not seeing me. I ended up suggesting that I could go up with the children to visit via ex, in the hope that they would ring and invite me. They didn't but I got a message back saying that they were pleased I was coming. It didn't feel great inviting myself there but it was worth it.

We had a really nice few days, and ex arrived while I was there for a handover. It was good to see both my in-laws and spend time with them and the children. We don't discuss my relationship with their son but we never did so I don't actually see that as an issue.

When I left, both gave me a big hug and my MIL told me I was welcome anytime, and she really meant it.

I think they really want to maintain the connection but really don't know how to do it. There really isn't a model of how to behave in this situation. I guess they also have enormous loyalty to their son who is behaving completely out of character and against all they hold dear.

I wouldn't be surprised if they haven't called me because they don't want to hear stuff. They had to step in with their son and my son shortly after we broke up and I had to go and collect him (DS that is!, you may remember the thread) which I think has really impacted badly on the relationship. I think they're worried that I will judge them on their son's behaviour whereas I was just so grateful that they stepped in (very unlike them, so it must have been really bad).

Just skimmed this thread and wonder why you need the okay from your ex to ring your former ILS? And why do you believe what he says about you to them or what they said abour you to him?? This is the man that's fucked off to be with OW and you believe a word he's saying?

You're too good my dear. Just ring them up and say hi, you haven't been in touch, be honest, say you didn't know what to say but they have been on your mind a lot. You may be getting divorced but you'd like to stay close to them and your dc want to remain close as well. Have heart, just ring them.

Good luck!!

Hi Kitty,

She did ring the other day and it was fine (see earlier posting) I think I wanted ex H to let her know I was upset about it really, to see what thy would do. He did tell them and MIL phoned.

Don't know why I felt the need to run it by him. I'm keeping everything above board as I'm trying to be open about the finances and childcare arrangements and this is all part of it I guess.

Would like to feel I can go down with my dd to visit them at some point, I feel I could ring them now if I wanted to do that.

Thanks for your support!

SK