Alcoholic DH - what to tell DD?

[oystercard]

Hi

I've posted on this forum before (name changed sometimes), mainly around relationship difficulties with DH, the key issue being that I think he has a dependancy on alcohol. He drinks every day, when not at work it's more and when there is any problem in our lives it really cranks up.

Anyway, things have come to a head and this issue is causing major problems between us now. He promised me (again) he would really cut down - this being on the back of a health scare - but I've come home today and found drinks hidden upstairs. Long story short, he's taken great exception to the fact I don't trust him and gone to a hotel for the night. Exactly how he expects me to trust him when he constantly makes empty promises I have no idea.

Anyway, the most immediate problem I have now is what to tell DD. She is aware of the regular arguments and unhappy about it. She doesn't know the main reason though, as strangely her dad never appears drunk, so it's not 'apparent' to her if you know what I mean.

She wants to know what is going on. Should I tell her? She's 12.

Thanks for any advice

I don't think I can help much, just wanted to send you some sympathy. there are several MNers with experience of alcohol abuse in the family who will probably be along to give you good advice - I would suggest that a lot depends on the type of 12-year-old your DD is - level-headed? Easily upset? Prone to blaming herself for everything? - as in what you tell her and what you emphasise (eg Dad is unwell, or Dad has a drink problem but he's getting help).
This is a rotten situation for you.

I guess she is pretty level headed, I just really worry that by telling her I'd be exposing her to all the feelings I have about it - worry, shame, anger - and she would then need to keep the same secret as me.

To make it worse, while on rare occasions my DH will accept he drinks too much, he has never accepted that he is addicted, let alone seek treatment.

I was about the same age as your DD when my mother started drinking. It took years for me to fully understand the situation, because no-one ever explained it to me or my sisters and by then it had had a pretty awful effect on a large chunk of our childhoods.

So yes, I think you should be upfront with your daughter and tell her now. Yes, she will be sharing some terrible feelings but if your DH continues drinking (and if he hasn't admitted he has a problem he will continue drinking) then she will be worrying anyway. At least this way she will know why and she can share her feeling with you.

'I'd be exposing her to all the feelings I have about it - worry, shame, anger - and she would then need to keep the same secret as me.'

What secrets would she have to keep? I wouldn't be going out of my way to keep a drinkers secrets.

I think you should explain to your DD.

By the way there may be better help/counselling available now for families of alcoholics than there was in my day. Or you could contact Al-Anon/Alateen who have a lot of literature about alcoholism as well as holding meetings etc.

Whatever you do do not live in denial as my family did. Your DH is in denial, but you do not have to be. You are the wife (and daughter) of an alcoholic and you must deal with that.

Feeling for you and your daughter (and slightly for the 12-year old I once was!) I really think honesty is the best policy.

Good luck

Yes, one thing you can't do with an alcoholic in the family is cover it up. OK, this doesn't mean you buttonhole everyone you meet and announce that [person] is an alcoholic, but if your H misses engagements because he is drunk or hungover and people ask about him, just say that he's drunk or hungover.

Oystercard, here's a link to Alateen. There is a literature page (prices from 25p) that you might want to take a look at. DD should call Alateen herself if she wants to talk; this means you would have to tell her first. She could then follow up her own queries with them.

You can get guidance for yourself from Al-anon.

Is it still hard for you to accept there is a big problem? If his behaviour still seems 'normal' enough, the temptation to pretend it's not all that bad must be quite strong. He is, however, keeping secrets quite deliberately from you. He can't drive his child to & from her activities, can't be trusted to take care of her safely and is probably somewhat 'absent' most of the time. It will get worse. As you say, DD is already affected by the tensions his alcoholism has caused. IMO, it would be better to gently let her know what the rows are about - she could be imagining something worse.

Oystercard,

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy. You cannot have such secrets between you and your daughter. She needs to know what is going on. No covering up for him to either her, his employers or your wider social circle.

You both need support for your own selves; you would find Al-anon helpful and Al-ateen would be helpful to your daughter.

I come back to you though; what are you going to do with regards to your H ultimately. You cannot help him ultimately but you can certainly help both you and your daughter. Even another month of this will do you both great emotional distress and a lot of harm has been already done to both of you.

BTW did you know he was an alcoholic before you married him?.

Do call Al-anon; seek outside help for your own selves and sakes.

You have a choice re him, your daughter does not. Being a child in a household where a parent has a drinking problem does that child no favours at all. Its not doing you any favours either; the drunk can become enabled by family members.

Thanks everyone and sorry I didn't respond last night but I was just so tired after the latest events. I have made one decision - I will seek out an al-anon meeting next week and go from there. I've dithered about this for a long time but now I feel I do need some support and I couldn't care less about how DH feels about me going to a meeting.

Attila - we married quite young and weren't long out of university, so no i didn't know. This has been something that has become progressively worse over many years.

I know I need to make a decision about my marriage at some point, I just don't know when.

Think I'll try al-anon and then I might have a clearer head to talk to DD. I just so want her to be happy, more than anything and this all going on is breaking my heart for her more than me.

I would agree with Dittany's comments in their entireity.

If you want your DD to be truly happy you need to stop tiptoeing around his alcoholism because this is what you are doing and have done. His alcoholism is not a secret/burden for you to carry and your DD should not carry it either. You are ultimately not responsible for him (you probably do feel responsible for him) and his alcoholism.

You cannot save him and or rescue your H but you can help both you and your daughter and you must make a decision re your marriage. You really do not want to leave alcoholism as a childhood legacy to your DD. It can and will leave her with all sorts of relationship and emotional problems. It affects everyone around the alcoholic; their lives become enmeshed in the drunkard's.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

Tell her that he has a problem with alcohol; that he cannot help himself; that he does not love her any the less, but that it can make him do silly, selfish or even nasty things.

I told my 4 yo about my dh, as she knew something was wrong and I didn't want secrets.
I focused on the fact he was unwell, didn't like his behaviour anymore than we did, and while he wasn't being a great daddy at the mo he loved us all very much and wasn't really in control. I did however stress that his behaviour was unacceptable, whether or not it was his "fault" and that ultimately he was the only one who could change it.
Like yours my dd never really saw her dad drunk as he would just disappear so I could have lied, but i felt she deserved honesty.

Thanks for all your messages. I tried to come back yesterday but couldn't access the site for some reason

Been mulling this over a lot. Main issues are:

the secrecy thing. The minute I tell DD I know she will confide in her BF. That's fine as it will help her, however if BF is anything like DD, she will tell her mum and I don't want mum feeling unhappy about DD's BF spending time at our house. As I said before DH is never rolling drunk. If I tell her not to tell BF then she has the pressure of keeping a secret.

Secondly, making a decision on the marriage. I can't see a future for us if this continues, however I can't leave him at the moment. He had an accident recently (not alcohol related) and needs a recovery period before he is able to go out to work again. I just don't feel I can abandon him.

All in all very difficult and it's breaking my heart that we've ended up in this position

Thanks to you all and thinking of all the rest of you who have posted on the same issue. It's sad how many of us there seems to be

That has always been my reason for not wanting people to know Oyster- that they will not want their dc to be in my house. As my dc are young it is less of an issue as parents are there (and dh not during the day!) but one friend who knew was quite happy for me to child mind for her and her concern was only for me. May be good for you to confide in her too?

My dh has actually improved somewhat but my decision to leave has always been based on whether life would be better if I left than stayed. For a while it was looking that way and I started to make plans, but like I said he has improved and no one would be happier if I left right now. I also go by my mums words of wisdom- "if you're alright, the children are all right" so think of yourself and see you set an example of a happy strong woman with compassion but not putting up with a bad marraige for fear of moving on.

Btw I found I felt so much better when I stopped looking for evidence and stopped trying to convince dh he had a problem (he fully acknowkedges that now).

Good luck!

Sorry for abrupt end, dh came home!

oystercard

You are falling into the age old trap regarding feeling responsible for him. You are not responsible for him; only your own self and that of your DD. D'you think he has the same feelings of responsibility towrads your own selves - I would argue not. They can truly be the most selfish people in the world; their primary relationship is with drink.

You are not abandonning him if you decide to leave him for good. Infact it may even spur him onto a potential recovery as you would no longer be there to enable him and he would have to fully face up to his drinking problem. He may though lose everything and still drink - there are no guarantees here.
That is very hard to accept.

All you are doing now is enabling him. You make excuses for him and cover up and this is affecting your DD markedly. Everyone ends up covering up for the alcoholic in some form or another.

Only he can can address his own issues re alcoholism and unfortunately you cannot do this for him.

Alcoholism too thrives on secrecy. I feel for your 12 year old dd, I really do. This is a big burden for her to carry and I think you need to start talking openly to others (Al-anon would be a good start and they could give you counsel regarding your DD and having her friends over). This is actually no life for her to be a part of honestly let along your good self, she really does not need an alcoholic parent around her day to day.

It is a circle and he will start drinking again; he won't stop drinking completely and that is the nub here. Your situation with him will not improve; if anything it could well decline further over time.

What are you getting out of this relationship with him now?. Be honest with your own self here.

I think you must take dd into your confidence, and for her own self-esteem, you must put her first in this situation.
She is not a small child any more, she deserves to know.

I second what attila said about enabling him.