Past 3 years have been a sham. Time to end it for good, so why is it so hard?

[PaperFlower]

My partner and I have been living together for four years. First year was ok with its ups and downs but I soon found out he was lying about things such as debts, his ex, money etc. We had it out a couple of times and the second time I told him that if he lied again, I would leave. Things were ok for a while but then I found out he'd been lying again. I don't know why but rather than leave and disrupt the kids etc I decided to stay and just detatch myself emotionally from him. I never let on that I knew he was still lying, I just smiled and nodded in the right places and went about my own daily life. I always planned on leaving eventually but this dragged on for another two years. As the years have gone by we have just drifted further and further apart. I know he's lying about various stuff and I don't care. I made sure we were not finantially connected and I built up savings, studied to progress my career etc, mostly in preperation for when I leave. We don't really talk much anymore. He spends all night on the laptop, I watch TV or use the PC. I don't tell him about my day and he never asks unless he's accusing me of this and that. He always tried to limit my social life, constantly paranoid that I was cheating and when I defied him and still went out, I think I "confirmed" to him that I was cheating. I think he genuinly believes I am seeing someone else.
Anyway, complete relationship breakdown. Infact it broke down years ago, we have just been living seperately in the same house. So why when I told him I'm leaving is he utterly devestated and making out that he had no idea anything was wrong? I know he's still lying about stuff and I know the main reason he doesn't want me to leave is because I earn more money than he does, so why do I feel guilty?

I think it's always hard at first no matter what kind of situation you're in. It's obvious that you don't have a healthy relationship. So good on you carry on find someone else and be happy. Don't worry the guilt will fade away...
Good luck

Paperflower I think that you are amazing (and I don't bandy that word around lightly!)

You have done what many women dream of doing, and I don't think that you should let his reaction stop you, you need to weather this final storm and then carry on with the rest of your life. I suspect a large part of it is his attempt to guilt trip you, and his fear over what his life will be without you. Is he wanting to see the dcs? I know this can be difficult but I have no doubt you are more than capable of getting through this.

Once again, well done.

Hi Paperflower. You have been so strong so far you should be really proud of myself.

I think I understand where you are coming from. My DP left on Sunday as a reaction to me trying to persuade him that things needed to change in our relationship. I felt sure things needed to change but now I find myself consumed with guilt and regret.

I wish I had written myself a letter, or a list or something when I felt string and sure. I wonder if something like this might help you so you can get down your feelings on paper to read over if the guilt makes you wonder.

Also, I am sure this evening has been really difficult for you but you have been intent on moving away from this situation for so long. Perhaps this wobbly feeling will have gone come the morning- once you have had a chance to process his reaction.

Wishing you all the best.....

Strong not string!!

paperflower You are very brave and have been true to yourself in a very difficult situation for a long time.

I am going through the final breakup of a relationship which has never been healthy.I am finding it incredibly painful and find I long for xp to come and make it all better,even though he never did and can't - and mustn't ,as he is an abusive bastard.

I admire the inner resources you have ,which have enabled you to plan for and organise this,and keep yourself focussed on breaking free,whilst continuing to live your life.

Although it is difficult and painful now,the future must surey be easier than the past three years have been - and you have done brilliantly there!

I can't describe how fantastic the support and advice here on MN has been- and is.
I may be too raw from my own situation to offer much,but I think this grief and the change - however longed for - hit very hard.

But that maybe because you - and I - are open to the feelings that must be felt in the face of what is after all a loss.

I am hoping that by going through this painful,difficult time fully aware of the thoughts and feelings that arise,I may stand the best chance of recovering and hopefully learning enough to grow from the experience,and to find a happy future which does not involve negative,destructive excuses for partners.

Keep posting and stay strong