Scared of Partner and his Rage

[MiggieAnne]

I have had to namechange for this but I am a regular.
I don't know who else to talk to about this because it seems so ridiculous but I am scared of my partner. I don't know why because he has never hit me but he seems to have such a temper and he scares me.
Like say he's in the cupboard and something falls out he'll start ranting and raving going "fucking hell, fucking bastard thing..." and he'll shove it back in really roughly and if it won't go in or fall out again he starts literally shouting at it through his teeth and sometimes just slings whatever it is. My heart starts racing when he's like this, even tthough its not directed at me. He's the same in the car, if someone puts a foot wrong he starts shouting and swearing, races towards them as if he things he SHOULD cause a crash to teach them a lesson and he bangs on the horn or keeps it pressed down for ages. I said once "someone is going to get out of their car and punch you one of these days" and he shouted "and I'll fucking punch them as well".
He shouts at the pc and slams the mouse around if it takes too long or if something goes wrong with it. I don't know if frightened is the right word because we have had arguments before and I've not feared him then so why does it scare me so much when he raves at innanimate objects?

how long you been together?
has he always been like this?
do you have children?
does he realise he is doing this?

does he do this in front of other people?

Been together about 2 years.
He obviously didn't do this stuff at first but it has got worse the longer we've been together.
We have a child each and I'm not sure if he realises tbh, surely he would?
Ive never seen him in front of anyone other than his parents and that was only once.

i hate this too. My H does it.
Obviously got a problem with anger. To date, we have a broken laptop screen, broken phone, broken remote control. Broken door that he kicked, it was getting thrown out.
And just last night, because he couldn't find a certain pair of trousers he damaged the door to the laundry cupboard.
We used to say he was stressed, now I say he's just an arsehole.
Sorry, not really much help!!

has he been particularly stressed or run down, or depressed? any major events?

This is my father to a tee

I actually think he has some sort of undiagnosed mental illness

It was very frightening to grow up around this as a young child and affects my relationship with him to this day

It messed me up badly when I was in my teens (long, depressing story alert)

He was also verbally abusive to my mother and to us kids...and it escalated over the years

I don't want to worry you, just telling you my story

Does your fear of his rage make you alter your own behaviour...i.e. to avoid being one of his targets?

I have to admit I used to be like this but for me it was anxiety and depression related and once I was treated for that, I completely changed for the better.

I wonder if he is stressed or unhappy?

You are probably afraid because he is showing you that he has an uncontrollable temper, and you know it could be used against you. This might well go on escalating. You will walk on eggshells around him, behaving in a way that is not natural for you but will ensure that he is not provoked to anger. He is controlling you, if you are all the time avoiding provoking him and making sure no one else upsets him. I remember, for example, how I used to rush my children into bed before their father came home, because he would be very annoyed if they were still up when he got back from work. I used to get really stressed with them. They thought I was unreasonable, whereas I was trying to protect them from his temper. I was afraid of his temper, even though he did not direct it directly at me. I didn't realise I was doing it. He enjoyed others thinking the problem was with me. He totally got his own way because I wanted to keep him calm and happy for the sake of the children. He had total control and I was totally manipulated. He had no reason to control his temper, it was his way of always getting his own way. Men like this don't change. They need to be left, but beware his reaction when he realises this.

Ok, his behaviour is unacceptable, end of. He's a grown man, not a toddler. It's not at all unreasonable to be afraid, because when someone is displaying out of control behaviour, it's reasonable to fear that it may be directed at you sooner or later.
Has your H a history of losing jobs/friends because of his tantrums? Or is it the case that he can control himself perfectly well outside the home.
If it's the former then he needs to seek some sort of anger management therapy.
If it's the latter then I'm afraid he is abusive, and he is in control of this behaviour but is using it to intimidate you.

Agree with SGB

I'm so glad that I found this posting because I seriously thought I was the only one going through this type of thing. My partner who is a few years younger than me (but certainly old enough to know better)does exactly the same thing. We've been together 8 years. Everything can be fine between us for months and then suddenly something will happen, like he won't be able to find something, or something he's trying to fix goes wrong, or the computer is playing up and he just totally loses it - it's totally irrational behaviour. He's never hit me but he's punched plenty of doors, walls, smashed whatever it is that's not behaving the way he thinks it should he shouts and swears at inanimate objects too. He also physically roars and it's really quite frightening. If I tell him to stop he just shouts back "don't you f*king well tell me what to fking do, I'll do what I f*king want." I've had 4 instances of this in the past two weeks. The worst was when he got a parking ticket (not his fault). I seem to spend my life treading on eggshells and trying to avoid incidences that might make him angry. The really wierd thing is that most of time he is really lovely. It's almost as if a switch has been flicked on when he gets into a rage.

My DH too. Walking on eggshells the whole time, me.

Walking on eggshells is a nice way of saying: living in fear. It's not good for you, your DCs - or, ultimately, the angry person.

I think we all know what you mean when you say "it's as if a switch has been flicked." Please bear in mind we all have these switches, but we don't all choose to go mad when they're flicked! Whether he admits or not (not, obviously) he is actually choosing to let his annoyance dominate him - and you.

Firstly, tell him you feel frightened when he gets in a paddy. What's his reaction to that?

Next, have a read of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's very illuminating!

We talk when he's calm and I tell him that I get frightened and that it's not fair on me when he acts that way. He's very upset about it and remorseful. I've often wondered if it's some sort of inferiority complex e.g. I'm the breadwinner and have got qualifications etc. but speaking to his Mum, she says that he's always behaved like this. I partly blame her for letting him get his own way all the time when he was young. Anyway I've ordered the book you recommended, so I hope it will shed some light on it. Thanks

my DP too has a temper on him, I call him "petrol" as he flares up, its fucking tedious and in the main issue in our relationship (for me anyway!). No solutions for you, but you are not alone.

I think its a very male thing, mt mate sent her DH to anger management. sigh........

I might have a look at that book Grace

My ex Dh was just like this.

I agree with SGB - I don't think this automatically means that your DP is out of control - the alternative is actually more sinister. I actually think my ex was always in control because funnily enough he never broke anything he really cared about and his temper never crossed the line of being actually directed at people (other than when he was in the incubator of his car). I think it was abusive, a control thing and was specifically intended to let me know that he was frustrated with his lot in life and considered me at least partially to blame for that - thoughts which he was utterly incapable of expressing in a constructive manner. From a conversation with my former MIL this seemed to have been a pattern since childhood which unfortunately seemed cute in a toddler and so was not corrected.

How did it turn out because it is exactly how it is With my partner I kicked him out of the house because of his never ending scenes and he took it way to far a week ago. And for 4 Years he did that to me now he is like... Oh if you want to take our son away you will wait and see I am a bit terrified to be honest so I could do with some tips how to handle the menthal side of it.

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