How is the best way to Talk?

[Flamesparrow]

DH won't go to couple therapy until we have both done separate (which I agree with tbh, and my Dr tells me they tend to refuse to do it if you are seeing someone else as well).

But we still need to have some decent talks that don't end up with tears and sex (we tend not to be good when mixed with emotions ).

How is it best done so we both say what we need to? DH is very hard to get to talk about anything anyway, he finds it hard to put into words. I don't want to frighten rabbit him, but at the same time he does need to start telling me wtf is going on in his head.

Why not try writing things down instead of actually talking. Some people respond much better to the written word than the spoken. HTH

Just what I was going to say... Write it down, if you can. Might be easier and, of course, it can be edited to ensure you get the exact meaning across.

I do the writing... he still doesn't respond

I could shake him at times. He says he either doesn't think things, or he can't articulate them. Most of the time he seems to genuinely not think or feel anything about anything (but noooooooooo, he clearly hasn't got depression He still hasn't booked the bloody counselling)

Ah! One of those strong, silent types, eh? We-ell, do you think it's at all possible that he is a bit scared to really talk to you because he might not be able to control either his feelings or the outcome?

Is he generally not very communicative?

I have no idea tbh

Do you think it might be worth trying to have a "listen" to each other rather than a talk? Perhaps set aside an hour one evening for you to talk with no interruptions; no comments; no actual discussion; etc and then, the next evening, the same for him?

Don't know what else to suggest.

Yup. I was thinking about saying "you talk and I will listen" kind of thing. It is so bloody hard, but it is because he never says anything that we have gotten here in the first place!

I know it's not funny but your comments have made me smile... You've obviously managed to somehow retain your sense of humour.

I don't envy you one bit. Must be so frustrating!

His stubbornness is the one thing that as irritating as it is, has always made me . He is generally mild and laid back, but then he digs his heels in and I love that spark.

I think half of this (especially the counselling) is down to stubbornness "You have decided we shall talk, so I shall not. So there."

You're still making me smile! I can only think of some sort of reverse psychology attempt but no idea what to suggest.

We're meeting up on Weds to do the talking. I have sat and written down what we need to talk about basic topics, and am planning on one talk, other listen, then swap kind of thing. I have written down everything I need to say . I will either read it to him, or he can read it.

Can I say Flame that you could be describing my H there!

I find him so bloody infuriating when it comes to talking. I talk and he says nothing. If I ask him a question it has to be a carefully worded question that requires a yes/no answer otherwise he wont answer. AND I have to ban the answer "I dont know".

I wrote him letters too because I couldn't get him to talk and foolishly expected a written answer - but got nothing

A good tip that I received was to try talking to him during a car journey as they dont like the confrontation of a talk but because you are not looking at each other it is easier for them.

Good luck I have given up trying now. Three years is long enough for anyone to try to get someone to talk.

Flamesparrow,

Say your DH came in tomorrow, sat you down and asked to talk to him for an hour about the offside rule, prime numbers, dismantling motorbike engines, or whatever else his favourite hobby was. If you made any mistakes or seized up then he would complain that you weren't interested in having a proper conversation with him...

This is most likely how he is feeling when you ask him to talk about what's going on inside his head. He may have no clue how to start, probably thinks that talking about feelings is "girly" and could well be worried that he will:

a) accidentally say something really dumb about which you will mock him for the rest of his life.

b) accidentally say something really dumb which you will take as an insult and the whole thing will turn into a huge row.

Instead, do you have any shared interest? Something that excites you both - or that you both do together? If you don't, could you perhaps plan something that would need you both to do lots of talking to make it work? - perhaps something you both learned from scratch?

Perhaps once you did that then DH would start to find it easier to talk about less practical subjects, and you might not feel the need to do so as much because you'd be finding out how he feels in a different way?

I know what you're saying Cake, but things have gone too far. We've had a decade of him not saying when he is unhappy for fear of starting rows, leaving me thinking he was ok with things when he was just keeping quiet. If we are to stand a chance of surviving he has to learn to talk.

I need to help him see that even us yelling at each other isn't the end of the world - getting it all out there is the only way things can be dealt with