DH not interested in me after the birth of our second DS

[bringonthetrumpets]

Basically, the title explains it. Sex during pregnancy with DS1 was great and frequent and he was really into me and it was the same afterwards. DH decided he wasn't really interested in sex with me this time while I was pregnant with DS2. We talked about it, me in tears and feeling really rejected, and he said that he remembers me giving birth from last time and he just doesn't see me as someone he could have sex with-more as someone who is going to give birth at any moment. So, I just respected how he was feeling and didn't try anymore. After DS2 was born we waited 6 weeks and it seemed like DH couldn't wait to give it a go again (which I was delighted and it was fab!) but now that we've done it the once, he doesn't want anything. I was rejected again last night. I'm already feeling pretty unsexy as a mum of two, trying to lose the weight, stretch marks, and not even getting a glance by a guy someone outside the house besides an old lady giving me a "wow you look busy" look Do you think it's me? Is it someone else? Just feeling so unwanted right now.

Apparently this isn't uncommon. There have been arguments for and against men seeing their partners giving birth for this exact reason. Seeing this gives men a different mental view of the woman and can put them off sex.

Have a chat to him and ask him if this is what's on his mind and then take it from there. It's not you - it's most likely the image he has in his mind.

What are your instincts telling you?

Sadly, he wouldn't be the first man to have started an affair while his wife was pregnant. When you had sex the first time after giving birth this time, who initiated it?

If you aren't seeing any other behaviour that might suggest an affair (phone on silent/guarded at all times, irritability and stress, him just not being "into you" in any way - and not just sexually) then talk to him about how you are feeling.

If you have any suspicions about an affair though, snoop first and then talk, because in all probability you will get a denial.

It's a strange thing, but some men have a madonna/whore complex when it comes to sex and they can only become sexually aroused by women who are not mothers - yet they have huge double standards and wouldn't marry the woman they actually want to have sex with. It goes without saying that no sane woman would want a relationship with a man who regards women in this way, but it might be worth asking yourself a few difficult questions about his attitudes to female sexuality.

Well, I really don't think he's having an affair... at least I'm not getting any gut feelings that tell me he could be.

He was the one who initiated, but he's only wanted it the one time. I've tried initiating it at least 3 different times now and each response is "I'm tired" "I have to get some work done" "the game is on" etc and then he gets defensive because he thinks that I'm mad at him (which I'm not mad, just feeling really rejected and sad by the whole experience) and proceeds to go sleep in the other room without even giving me a kiss goodnight.

I know that DH is a male-version of a feminist (most of the time anyway). He's been very supportive of my midwifery schooling, my girl-power attitude, and he even caught DS2 while he was being born... so I don't think it's the madonna/whore complex going on.

Perhaps I'm making a big deal out of nothing? I've been feeling very self-conscious of my new body after having baby #2 and just generally very unsexy (except for the one time we did it, and I felt wonderful afterwards).... He's been so busy with work lately, just started practicing for footy and is coaching a team that I never see him, so a little connection would be nice, ugh, now I'm just having a moan.

Forgot to say that DH asked the midwife if he could catch DS2 during our homebirth, so I don't feel like I can attribute his being turned off to me giving birth.

He's definitely not telling me something.