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Original poster

How to politely say "No thank you"

17 replies

BertieBotts · 28/04/2010 13:07

My X-MIL (sort of, as in we weren't married) has contacted me by text to ask if I am free to go round to theirs for a barbecue at the end of the month. I really don't want to go at all. I don't speak to XP other than at handovers with DS and I just have no desire to be in contact with any member of the family, TBH. I also have visions of her grilling me about why I left XP or going on and on about what a good dad he is to DS (which is great obviously, but I don't really want to hear it)

I think that XMIL might take offence however I word my reply, but I want it to be polite at least.

The other thing which is complicating things slightly is that when I first left XP I didn't want them to miss out on seeing DS so I offered to take him round there and have met up with XP's sister a couple of times (she is 14) to take DS swimming etc. But I now know that XP takes DS over there regularly, so I don't really need to keep this up, I haven't said anything yet though.

OP posts:
midnightexpress · 28/04/2010 13:09

I'd just keep it short and sweet, especially if you can reply by text say 'thanks so much for the invitation, but I'm afraid I have other plans that day'. She'll probably get the hint.

msrisotto · 28/04/2010 13:10

How about saying sorry I have other plans?

rookiemater · 28/04/2010 13:12

I would text something like Thanks for the invite but we are already doing xxxxx ( as appropriate) Cheers BB.

Nice and polite, but unable to go. Keep doing this for future invites if you don't want to go along, but don't cut off all contact as they sound like decent GPs who want to be involved in their GC life and are handling it as best they can.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 28/04/2010 13:14

Hmm, I'm not sure that will work. Firstly she has given me an entire week of which to pick a date to go round (though I could be "on holiday"??) and also she is a bit like a terrier with a rat when she gets an idea into her head. So she texts. Constantly. Until I reply. This makes me stupidly anxious

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 28/04/2010 13:17

Yes, you don't want her to tell her you're unavailable that week and have her change the date!

Could you tell her with a quaver in her voice that she is so kind, but it is too painful right now, and maybe in future, when the pain has died down...

NicknameTaken · 28/04/2010 13:17

quaver in your voice, obviously.

rookiemater · 28/04/2010 13:20

Ok maybe you need to write her a note.

Explain that at the minute because of the break up being recent you feel uncomfortable at the minute spending time with XP family.

Also explain that at first you had arranged to meet them so they could see GC but as that is being done through XP then you haven't been doing this.

Do it very apologetically, stress that it is how you feel at the minute and you are sure that she understands how you feel,that it is nothing to do with them, they are warm lovely people ( if they are) and you are very happy that DS continues to have a relationship with them, but right now you feel it is not a good idea for you to spend loads of time with XP family.

She may not take it well, but provided you word the letter correctly she shouldn't be able to take justifiable offense as most reasonable people would expect that if someone broke up they wouldn't want to be spending time with their XPs family.

londonartemis · 28/04/2010 13:21

Are you sure XP is also invited, and that she's not just trying to be friendly to you so that she doesn't lose contact? Maybe she really would like to see you with DS?
(Can understand you might not be keen, but maybe she's just being nice)

Original poster
BertieBotts · 28/04/2010 13:22

Haha, good idea. However I am not speaking to her on the phone, last time I did I just got a lecture about how brilliant a father XP is and how devestated he was when I left, which actually made me cry - luckily my phone battery died so she didn't notice at the time. Though she probably thinks that I hung up on her

OP posts:
Original poster
BertieBotts · 28/04/2010 13:27

Oops, X-posted there.

Rookie a letter might be a good idea. I will think about that.

London I don't think that XP will be there, I think that she does want to see just me and DS. She did like me, because she always went on about how good I was for XP, but I just don't particularly want to be friends with them. It would be awkward, and plus, I just don't particularly like them as people, I know that sounds awful

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 28/04/2010 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 28/04/2010 13:39

Thanks for the invite, Betty, but I have other plans. BB.

QueenofWhatever · 28/04/2010 21:38

Be honest, don't say you are busy. TBH, it's a bit disrespectful. I would write her a letter saying what you can that is positive about her and your relationship with her, but explain that you want to move on with your life. Stress that you are keen for her to have an active relationship with her grandchild.

whomovedmychocolate · 28/04/2010 21:45

I would say 'no, thank you for thinking of me but I'd rather not'. You don't have to explain. Then invite her round to see your children. Alone.

dejavuaswell · 29/04/2010 17:40

I think a well crafted letter that doesn't close the door for ever would be best. "Not at the moment but perhaps later".

didgeridoo · 29/04/2010 18:33

I agree with rookiemater. It's best to be honest, once you start making up excuses you'll have to keep on doing it & MIL may well see through them. I'd say she'd be more likely to take offence at that than if you are honest & polite.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 29/04/2010 19:43

Yes that is what I thought didgeridoo.

OP posts:
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