Post affair problems.

[TheSockLady]

My H had an affair. It ended about 6 months ago. However he is still blaming me for all sorts of things and I can't take it anymore. I am starting to believe it was all my fault and that I am this awful person. He told the children about the affair as he was going to leave. I didn't put him down to them and I tried to protect them from what he was doing but he even blames me for them being off with him sometimes. He has just expected everything to carry on as before and hasn't put in enough effort to make things up to me or to them.

I know i'm not perfect and I've made mistakes in our marriage. He also admits to making mistakes but he goes on about stupid things and builds them up into huge problems eg disciplining the children. They are fantastic kids. They work hard, have lots of friends are polite to people etc. But when they do something minor he tells them off and then expects me to back him up. I probably should but if I tell them off I don't expect him to say anything.

If he would just stop going on about minor crap and work on himself and rebuilding a better marriage I know we could get over this. I take on board what he says. I probably have got used to looking after the children on my own and I'm sure I'm doing things wrong. But the problem is we need to concentrate on us for now. Not trivial stuff.

Am I wrong?

Sorry?

I'm amazed that you're wondering whether you are in the wrong here...

I can only assume that the years of living with this man have had a terrible impact on your radar and self-esteem, because for you to ask this question, must mean you're in a very bad place.

We often discuss on these boards the assertion that good people have affairs. But here is the embodiment of a bad man having an affair.

His response to his infidelity was to blame you? He blames his children for changed behaviour when he told them he was going to leave them? He over-reacts to any minor misdemeanour and probably makes them feel miserable when ever he is in the house? He's made you feel you were "at fault and that you were an awful person?"

The question is not whether you are in the wrong, but why is he still there?

He is bullying you into making him feel better and justify his actions

he had no right telling the kids without discussing it with you
Deep down he knows what he did and he still won`t take responsibility (sp) for his actions
He is blaming everbody else for it

Tell him to finish what he started when he took up with another woman

And fuck off

That should sort it... why are you still hanging onto a relationship he clearly does not want to be in ?

you say you know your marriage can work.
Under what conditions though?
Could it if he was still having an affair?
If he continued to make you unhappy?
If he did as he wanted all the time?
if he was too harsh with the children - if he ever hit them?
if he treated you like his servant?

Set yourself some boundaries and demand the respect you deserve.
Marriages can survive an affair but it is hard work and i believe only if you accept that the 'old' marriage is over. You have to be prepared to be alone and only work on the marriage because you want to not because you feel some obligation to anyone else (him. dc, family, wider community).

You need to get to a place where you can be proud of your h (with his faults). And he can be proud of you too for having the courage to work out the problems and still give him another chance.

Good luck - find the courage to do what YOU want now.