I am really fucked off

[EricNorthmansmistress]

DH is from somewhere else. He has been there since January, taking DS initially, then I went and joined them, and have been back on my own with DS for 2 months. He is due back next week.

His DSis is having a baby and can take 2 months mat leave, but needs to find cover for the job, which requires languages skills and tourism experience. There is an english girl living there who did the job before her.

If she doesn't find cover they might not keep her job for her. She has asked DH to come back and work her job for 2 months in July and August

DH needs to be here in those months for work (self employed, but they are the prime business months, and he will lose his trading place if he isn't there). I need him here to look after DS as I'm going full time next week (which we discussed and agreed on) and DS needs him full stop! I already feel disconnected from him after 2 months apart and need us to get back to normal.

We have had some problems with him not letting go of 'home' and that's why i agreed for him to stay so long, to get everything sorted so he can come back minus worries. There is no way in hell he can do this but he's such a fucking idiot sometimes he says stuff and never thinks it through. I know when he's thought it through he'll come to the right conclusion but then he will feel guilty for letting DSis (and the rest of the family who rely on her wages) down. I just can't believe she asked him, and I'm also really fucked off with her. The trouble is, her DH lives and works in a different city (jobs scarce there) and it's quite normal for men to not see their DCs on a daily basis. But I thought we were friends and she knew this would cause him a crisis.

Now I have to put my foot down and be the 'bad guy'. I am so sick of his 'responsibility' to his family fucking with our family, but it's cultural. Plus - he owes his DSis a bit less than 2 months of her wages anyway so probably feeling guilty about that - but it would cost £££ for him to fly out there and living costs so she would be better off if he paid her back asap when he starts back at work.

His english isn't always perfect and the way he presented it was like he had already decided - he then said he hadn't but not uintil after i had flown off the handle and now feel really really wound up and fucked off and unappreciated and ignored and basically fucking unimportant.

Oh dear .... Sorry to hear you are upset.

Do you think he has said yes already and was ringing to sound out your reaction?

I'm not sure. I think he has probably said yes on the spur of the moment because he felt pressured and hasn't thought it through. He's such an idiot

You and your baby should come before his sister.

I know we should. But it's not just his sister - she supports the whole family (lives with them) which includes another DSil who is divorced with a child and works a shitty job for peanuts. They all rely on her wages. That's why he's feeling like he has to do it. But it could split us up if he decides he will do it.

He owes her nearly 2 month's wages?

Urk. Paying that back has to come before anything else, surely?

It's not a lot comparatively - about £600. He can pay it quickly once he's back here and working.

Eris this is a horrible situation. You really do need come first don't you, though i can see it will be difficult for your DP in this situation.

Oh I can't offer any advice - it seems a shitty situation all round - hopefully someone more useful than me will be along with some bright ideas.

Can understand why you are so upset though - poor you.

I'm really upset. He told me he was upset with the way i reacted because I was so angry. He has a hard time empathising (AS tendencies) and didn't get how it made me feel after holding the fort here for two months.

I am confused why he owes his sister money?

Does she work for him where she lives - ie he has a company there too?

No he borrowed it from her in January to be paid back when he came back here, he needed it to do some building work - anyway, she agreed to wait til he was back and working. But it seems she has now found out that her job isn't secure (fucking cunty british employers taking advantage of lack of labour laws) and presumably is panicking. Which I understand. But this is not the solution.

If he has been borrowing money off a sister who is on a low income and supporting two families, then I am afraid he does have to prioritise this over your feelings for the moment.

Agree with Solid, sorry

Well I agree he should not have borrowed the money. But comparitively it's not a lot, he can earn it back in 2-3 weeks here. It was from savings, not her living expenses. It was all fine when he borrowed it, I think it's still fine, but it might be causing him to feel responsible. But if he goes out there it's gonna cost us at least £600 to get him there and back and pay his living costs. So

That's not why he is thinking of doing it - not why she asked him. She needs someone to secure her job for her while she goes on mat leave for 2 months. The paying back will happen much quicker here - in fact he can pay her back in a few weeks.

It's very tough to be on your own for a couple of months with money tight, so don't think I don't sympathise...but - lots of people cope with extended separations from their spouses.

You are talking about refusing to help someone who you owe money to (not a lot? how long did it take her to earn it as well as provide for 2 families?) who is pregnant and is only going to get 2 months maternity leave with her precious baby, and who supports a huge number of your husbands family. That's not cultural, that's family. In fact that is basic human morality.

And what happens to his sister, his family who rely on her, and her baby, if you put your foot down and insist that he prioritise you for those two months? Will you feel more important if they starve? Would you really feel good about a man who could leave his family in this kind of desparate situation?

I know that is harsh. But you've had a tough time, you're tired, finding it all a bit much, and it would be so easy to sympathise - but I hope a kick up the arse will be more use to your marriage.

you and your DC come first--End of....

he has been with his familt since Jan it's time for him to come back.

It is not his responsibility to provide for his family abroad at the expense of his family and job over here.

Who will help provide for you in July/August if he has fucked off back there? who will do your childcare while you provide for your family working full time.

I don't think the £600 is too much of an issue here. yes pay it back asap,

your Dsis in law has a DH who obviously provides money for the family. By all means if needed help out financially if you can but it is totally unreasonable for your DH to be expected to do "maternity cover"

Hmmmmm polarised views.....

ILs won't starve. DSil's DH has recently found work so he will start supporting her/them soon. Yes, the paying back is a priority and will be done asap. Like I said, it was her savings, he didn't leave her/them short. DH has helped financially shit loads over the years, has given (not lent) this sister far more than that in the past. It's not that he was taking the piss, she will get it back as soon as he has it which won't be long - and that was the original arrangement.

I really hope DSil doesn't lose her job but DH isn't very good at paperwork anyway so he wouldn't actually be any good at her job (managing a hotel) so it's a clutching at straws idea to start with. She needs to look closer to home to find someone, our english friend (who did her job before she got it) might be able to step in or know someone who can step in, there are quite a few expats who speak the local language living there already.

It's not just that I want him here for those two months, he would literally not have work for the whole year if he wasn't here then, he's a market trader and has a stall which he would lose if he wasn't here over the summer - losing the money already invested and having nowhere to sell for the whole year, or next year in fact as he has a good pitch that he would not necessarily get back next year. He has money in stock here and also there waiting to be brought over so it's not like it's possible for him to do something else for work. Plus DS is pre-school and we had agreed he would have him 3-4 weekdays so I can go back full time - it would mean putting DS in nursery 5 days which neither of us want/can afford.

I just spoke to him a bit more. He was upset with me for flying off the handle but claimed he was only asking me, not telling. Telling is what it sounded like but he has apologised for not considering how stressed that would make me and has acknowledged that it probably won't work. I feel bad for DSil and guilty but to be honest they have previous for expecting DH to pick up the pieces and it isn't on when it comes to something like this.

Do you know I always do this - DH has lots of crazy ideas that he doesn't follow through when he engages his brain, instead of chilling out and letting him get there in his own time I always react. When will I learn?

Ahh, no EricN'smistress you have indeed been getting it wrong. When your man tells you yet another mad idea he's had and presents it as if it's seriously on the cards you must ALWAYS act as if you don't mind. Most of the time the mad idea is forgotten or only mentioned to tell you he's dropped it. On the rare occasion that they actually want to go ahead with said crazy idea you then give it some time and then say that you wonder if it is such a good idea afterall and explain why.

You are then known as a great wife with good judgement who knows a good idea when she hears one. This means that your negativity is taken seriously and you stand a good chance of making him see the error of his ways .

Anyway - I kind of agree with both of you, so I do think it's a tricky situation. What you want is for your dh to be doing everything he can to find someone to do dsil's job, but to know that if the worst comes to the worst he will have to do it.

Housewife you are so right! I really must work on that. Thing is I never see it at the time, it's only after I think 'Damn that was just DH being a div....should have let it slide' but by then it's too late!

He really can't do the job though. Like I said, it will basically mean losing his job and he also has a family to support (and he needs to support me to work as well by doing childcare) so him losing his job would be equally disastrous as SIL losing hers.