I am so scared about my parents' health now

[OrmRenewed]

Since dad got so ill last year and had the valve replacement and bypass and then all the to-do with his ulcer etc. I can't take it calmly when he gets sick. And he keeps getting sick - urinary infections due to his catheter which give him a raging temperature. It's happened twice now and each time he gets really sick And mum is 79, suffering from various arthritis and osteoporosis-related conditions and having to run around like an idiot to do all the things they used to do together and look after dad.

Everytime I ring I worry that something horrible has happened - that a simply infection has turned into something worse. or he's been taken ill with another heart problem. or that my poor mum has had a fall and been incapacitated.

How do I keep this panic under control? I get a sick feeling when they don't answer the phone straight away or if mum sounds worried when she does answer. I want them here with me but that isn't going to happen.

Do they have any regular carers going in to help them? Cleaner even? Could you pay towards it as you can't be there?
How about doing online shopping for them and haveing it delivered to their house. One less thing to do for them. They can tell you what they want.

Some of these things might make you feel better and be helpful for them.

Thanks pippop. I've suggested online shopping - mum always says she will think about it but nothing yet . I've offered to pay for a gardener but nope - their garden is their pride and joy. Cleaning - might be able to help there. I have no time myself but a cleaner once a week would help I'm sure. Will speak to mum about that.

I know just what you mean. My Dad has been going rapidly down hill for 8 years now - you end up wondering how much more down there is!

Mum copes, wonderfully, but these days she has the help of a twice daily nurse (he is immobile and incontinent), a weekly cleaner and gardner and a day a week in a day hospital for respite.

Try and persuade your Mum to talk to social services to get his and her (as carer) needs assessed. It is the starting point for all sorts of help, and the sooner you start the process the sooner you will get any action. Progress will seem glacial, but there is help there if you push for it.

He (and possibly she as well) should be eligible for attendance allowance - which at least helps towards paying for the help he and your Mum need.

sometimes instead of talking, just doing is required.

when my granddad was too old to drive, we took his car away before he could hurt someone. instead we organised the weekly shop and meals on wheels for him and nan. after a first protest they were very happy with the new arrangement.

Thanks all for your comments. I haven't had much of a chance to come back before.

Mum and dad live in a large house with a big garden (asset rich cash poor) - I'm not sure that social services would do much for them and I very much expect they'd be horrified at the idea anyway . But it would be worth suggesting it I guess.

sonilaa - I think we are not quite at that stage yet. They are competent drivers and capable to doing most of the every day stuff but it takes longer and makes them so tired. I just want them living nearer me just in case - atm they are 20 miles away, not far but too far for me to be going up there everyday.

orm, maybe not take the car away (yet), maybe give them meals on wheels or a cleaner for a trial.