Would you go along with this?

[TheSteelFairy2]

Ex h wants the family to move away from where we live at the moment as he cannot afford a place where he could have dc for overnighters. I am sympathetic to this, we live in London and private rental costs impossible to meet unless earning an absolute fortune.

However ds, who has SN is in a great primary school and we are very settled here, no support network as such though, although some family members around 40 minutes away.

My problem with a move is this, we would be going away from everything familiar, probably having to give up our HA flat to rent privately and also exh is not exactly what one might call reliable. He spends his wages as soon as he gets it, is able to justify any kind of horrendous behaviour towards me, has been and still sometimes is very verbally and emotionally abusive, he drinks and is very reckless. Not with dc though, very good and reliable father to them, for now.

He gets quite insulting and angry with me when I say I don't want to move just yet until I have seen some sign of different behaviours towards me from him. Basically we would move at the same time and I would only know him or he would remain here in HA flat while I moved and I would have no-one nearby. I would in essence be giving up all my security but my dc would probably get a better standard of life, nicer house, garden etc.

It just feels wrong to me but I don't know if it is the last 8 years of unhappiness making me be awkward about his ideas and plans. I do feel for him in that it is very difficult for him to play a full and active role in dc's life as he cannot afford somewhere to take them and I do try to make it easy for him.

Help me out and give some opinons and thoughts on this please.

no!! why on earth would you give in to this if its not something you want to do??

and an HA tenency should be held on to!

he's manipulating you. does he pay csa??

He does pay, so far very reliable about that.

I know, I know you are right, just spent 8 years being treated like an idiot who doesn't know her own mind and is trying to spoil life for the family.

Its a mad idea right?

He is trying to control you...the emotional abuse is continuing....let him make his own arrangements.He will have to manage his finances better to allow overnight visits.

Why on earth should you move out of your secure flat, to give to him, whilst you uproot yourself to a private flat (which unless you are moving miles out of London) will cost an arm and a leg. And uproot your children. Just for him.

He is still being emotionally abusive/controlling.

Stay where you are for heaven's sake. I think perhaps you are seeing things skewed as you are used to your XH's behaviour.

If I were you i would limit all contact with him for a bit (obviously let him see kids, but don't engage with him yourself iyswim). Tell him you are not moving and that's that. His accomodation/financial probloems are not your concern.

Listen to your Aunty Getorf.

I will. I know you are right, even though I have doubts in my head because of him going on at me, my gut tells me you are right.

Just as an addition he gets very angry with MN says you are all a bunch of marrige wreckers and he is going to come on here one day and tell you all what he thinks of you. I wish he would, he would be made mincemeat out of. He can't stand how the advice and support on here over the nears and a multitude of name changes helped me to see how bad my relationship and life was with him. Nothing to do with him of course.

marriage and years not nears

well we'll be waiting for him....

SteelFairy - he sounds like he is still a huge part of your life even though he is your EX.

Can you not mak a further break from him? I mean to ignore his texts, calls, just discuss the children. Have you got someone in RL who can help, or who can stand up to this bully for you?

You know he is trying to worm his way back in? He wants you to move away from all you know so that the only person you have is him, and that you will then get back together as you will have nobody else within miles.

And yes, let him come on here and defend himself if he likes (shouts out to AnyFucker, Dittany, Expat, Custardo).

I am shivering just at the thought of him coming on here. Or am I? I would just love him to get his comeuppance and get the opinions and thoughts of really fantastic, intelligent women. He doesn't have a lot of respect for us funnily enough.

It is hard to make the break from him because of dc. I am divorcing him though and when I feel that I am not being strong enough I know I am doing that and once that goes through I know I will feel stronger. Also I come on here and get advice and support when I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by him.

Actually he did say that there was no need to rush into divorce straight away and we should move for a fresh start and see how we get on. Never, ever in a million years would I stop this divorce now, it makes me so happy to think that soon I will be legally not linked with him anymore.

He wouldn't dare come on here, I reckon. Too cowardly.

But, wrt your OP- Not In A Million Years.

Stay right where you are.

Listen to Aunty GetOrf.

Ask yourself whether your ex would ever give up everything for you and your ds.

And when you've picked yourself up from the floor and wiped away the tears of laughter, there's your answer.

Stay where you are and don't give in to his maniplulation.

SteelFairy, you know this is bonkers.

This is the man who comes over to yours, makes himself at home (doesn't he bring his dirty laundry?) and doesn't even tell you when he's coming over, right?

He wants you back under his control. What better way than to move you and the children to a town where you know no-one but him?

It's a totally manipulative, insane idea.

And, SteelFairy, I don't mean to offend you, but the very fact that you're doubting yourself and asking for reassurance, and using MN as your backup (I mean, you're obviously telling him that we agree with you to support your views) - all of that tells me that you are still really, really vulnerable to his manipulative controlling abusive ways.

You have to cut further ties. You're still engaging with him about whether you're right and whether you're reasonable! You have to stop discussing 'the family' and your relationship and your future plans.

Really.

Stop it.

do NOT even consider it! with Sn it i essential you stay where your child is supported...it may be you need ot consider moving when he moves to secondary to get the right school - but do not even consider it now.

because HE says? for HIS benefit? dont feel sorri for him -

look at the contradiction in what you write -

"has been and still sometimes is very verbally and emotionally abusive, he drinks and is very reckless. Not with dc though, very good and reliable father to them, for now."

he may make a good show for few hours with dcs and good for that - for their sake - but it doesnt make up for the rest does it?

Yes thats him.

I know and believe it or not I have disengaged with him. His nonsense is relentless and the fact that I only post on here about him sporadically means that most of the time I am dealing with it quite well. It is just every now and then he comes out with something that is like a sock in the jaw and I can't stop thinking about it. My flat is very small (but hopefully I will be able to transfer at some point) so sometimes it does feel like I am being selfish not to want to go.

I know you are right but believe me I have come a very, very long way since I first started posting, he is a very strong character and it is hard to stand up to him that is why I use the views of people on MN because how can he argue with 10, 20, 30 or more other people who are agreeing with me? Also I am not always very articulate in these discussions and MN gives me ideas on what to say that I couldn't come up with myself and it does very often shut him up, which is great.

Oooh god that man has a cheek! He wants you to give up your precious housing, your DC's lovely school and your familiar places because he can't find anywhere to live. I'm sure we're all weeping into our teacups over his terrible predicament but good news Steel - when you split up with him where he lives stopped being your problem! Yes, that's right!

If he can't find suitable accommodation where the DCs can stay over, I presume he'll just have to wait to have them to stay until he's sorted. Is he working? Has he got a car? The reality is that at the very least he wants to totally disrupt the lives of you and the children merely for his convenience. But as other posters have said it looks very much as if he has an ulterior motive WRT getting you "alone" in a community where you know no-one but him. He sounds like he loves having power over you, so just imagine what a victory this would be for him: just at the moment you should be escaping for good, he shows he still has power to make you move house for goodness sake!

Please don't let him believe that he still owns you SF x

I know you say his ramblings are just noise to you, SF, but to him it looks as if you are actually listening to his ideas.

please try and be stroing enough to say, look we are getting divirced, yes you can see DCs on such and such a day, please do not call or text at any other times because I will just ignore you.

And, do NOT do his laundry fgs. let him do what anyone else does - either use his own machine or go to the laundrette.

And keep up with that divorce.

Well done for getting away from him so far, but don't let your guard down and let him creep back in. With numpties like this you always have to be vigilant and on the offensive.

SteelFairy, you have done immensely well, I don't mean to dismiss that at all. I'm just gently chiding you when I think you've forgotten how kickass you are.

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're right or if he thinks other people agree with you. It doesn't matter. You don't need him to agree, you don't need him to approve, you don't need him.

I second tortoise - it sounds like you've done fantastically to get away from him as you have. You are obviously strong and brave, even if you don't feel it sometimes.

"He gets quite insulting and angry with me when I say I don't want to move just yet until I have seen some sign of different behaviours towards me from him." It sounds like you are letting him think you will go along with his selfish idiotic plan. Whatever behaviours he is showing towards you are, in fact, irrelevant to your plans as to where to live. You are your own boss.

I know you didn't I know though that it must be a bit "what her again, just get RID OF HIM!".

You are right, I don't need him to agree, he is clearly not quite the ticket or would never have behaved that way he did while married. I think it is the way he is so SURE of himself, it gets a bit confusing. However his father is exactly the same and I look at his Mum putting up with it and I am like this and think why does she put up with this nonsense? I need to apply those feelings consistently to myself as well.

if you need help with things to say, how about "the DC and I are happy here and DS loves his school, we're not planning to move in the forseeable future."

If he complains how about some of the following (PLEASE don't use if you think he will hurt you, you know best):

"That's your problem, not mine"

"Don't worry, the DC are happy to see you in the daytime until you're properly sorted."

"Well I'm sure the DC would like it if you took them to Alton Towers (or wherever)"

"Just let me know when you have found somewhere"

"Well it's only half an hour on the train to Reading, the DCs will love it when you come to pick them up"