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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

untrustworthy husband

52 replies

bubble1 · 26/04/2010 23:10

my hubby has joined facebook...but is using it like a chat up site.he has set his sights on a particular woman and has sent her suggestive messages and made her one of his friends
i read these messages...we had a big argument...i threatened divorce, slept on sofa a couple of nights, then seemed to resolve issue. i basically told him to stop acting like a single man. for a few days things went better...but i still had this feeling of unease.
i know it was wrong but i removed her from his facebook friends...he put her back on...i am ready to walk...but have not confronted him yet. why is he doing this...surely he should have realised why i removed her from friends list and left it at that if he wants to save his marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
bubble1 · 27/04/2010 21:28

its easy to say sit down and talk to him but he wont. as far as he is concerned i am in the wrong not him he is innocent and can have whoever he wants as a friend. i even removed my ex husband from fb as he dint like it.
now its affecting the kids...the arguments all one sided i argue and shout he just sits there like pot knob

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 27/04/2010 21:29

SHINEON.....surely not!!!

Original poster
bubble1 · 27/04/2010 21:31

ok...you say i am not demanding enough respect from him...so how do i do that?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/04/2010 21:33

he should respect this..."fuck off, and when you get there, fuck off again..."

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/04/2010 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

oliviasmama · 27/04/2010 21:38

me neither Shiney.....it's gotta be a wind up. Like your style Anyfuker's

Rindercella · 27/04/2010 21:40

Bubble, as I asked earlier in the thread, what are you getting out of your marriage? It all seems pretty one way to me - your husband fucks off at the weekend, takes no responsibility for his children or for his marriage. You just exist.

I would forget about this woman and Facebook for now. You have far deeper issues in your marriage than messages being sent on Facebook.

Original poster
bubble1 · 27/04/2010 21:45

ok i have arranged to see a slicitor but cant get in until next week and i have just applied to go on council housing register but that could take months.
he is self employed...i do his bookwork...and there is lots of evidence of cooked books ie cash in back pocket jobs.
if i threaten to tell tax man will i also drop myself in the shit as company director and secretary...basically am so angry i want to take him for every penny he has got

OP posts:
whatname · 27/04/2010 21:47

bubble, are you ok?
you are going from one issue to another.
can you talk to CAB?
feel like you need to take it easy

Original poster
bubble1 · 27/04/2010 21:53

basically he has gone out tonight and will be back in about 20 mind.
do i tell him ive seen his emails
that i know he has changed his password on facebook
that i am going to take him for every penny
that i want him to leave now...or do i stay silent and see what happens?

OP posts:
whatname · 27/04/2010 22:00

just talk to him
tell him, you think he is being unreasonable, out of order, what he is doing makes you feel bad.
ask him what he doing. does he realise how serious you feel about it.
don't row, try and be calm

Original poster
bubble1 · 27/04/2010 22:08

he has already proved to me that he cant be trusted by changing his fb password...what is he trying to hide.
i need to know...do i confront him with this info or keep quiet and play my cards close to my chest

OP posts:
alicatte · 27/04/2010 22:08

bubble

I am also in my forties and although my picture on facebook is contemporary and my age accurately reported it is, how can I put it, not always the case with many of my friends. Has he actually met this woman?

You cannot make this man do anything. No one can make anyone do anything - that is life. However you can protect your assets - perhaps you should think practically now.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2010 22:12

stop fannying around with facebook and kick your fuckwit of a husband out

what are you waiting for ?

Original poster
bubble1 · 27/04/2010 22:13

what do you mean ....practically?

OP posts:
alicatte · 27/04/2010 22:19

You need to look at what your options actually are.

Be practical about this - what can you do re-money and housing and children. Is your life so entwined in your situation that you have no options - what can you do about this. Are you getting so upset that you might be helped by seeing a doctor. How do you really feel about your husband. He has obviously behaved badly but you are the one who must make a choice about what you do.

Think practically about what choices you have.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2010 22:22

Tell him he has killed your trust in him with his hankering after the single man life

Invite him to fuck off and sample it

Tell him that his fancy-woman is welcome to him, because you are ending your marriage due to his unreasonable behaviour. You will be staying put in the marital home to provide stability for the children whilst the details of the divorce are decided

You don't have to put up being treated with so little respect, you know

What other practical advice do you need ? There are lots of women who have ended long-term relationships for much less than this particular twat has done...

alicatte · 27/04/2010 22:25

I wish you well bubble. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.

HappyWoman · 27/04/2010 22:36

you can tell him anything - but what i would do is find as much of the paperwork now that you may well need,
His payslips bank statements pensions any assests etc and photocopy them.

Then make an appointment with a solicitor to at least start the ball rolling - dont let him take charge of that.

If you want lock him out tonight and tell him why.

and btw i would only put the best pics of myself on facebook
Good luck and stay strong.

Original poster
bubble1 · 27/04/2010 23:36

all i can say is thank god for mumsnet and all you great people out there for all your support xxxxx

OP posts:
BaggyAgy · 28/04/2010 01:12

Hi Bubble, Poor you how awful.

Whatever you do, don't make threats. For example, if you threaten to take him for every penny he has, he will be warned and he will protect his money, possibly hide it, or spend it all. Maybe give up his job so that there is nothing for you. Every time you make a threat you warn him what you might do, and you give him the opportunity to protect himself against that threat. Don't let him know what you are thinking. He will keep his thoughts secret from you. If you want to do some thing, ( something legal) just do it without giving him any warning. You need some good legal advice soonest.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/04/2010 01:34

If there's plenty of evidence of 'book cooking' - and you do the books and are a company director and secretary, you are complicit in the fraud. How could you let this go on?

Photocopy everything, and go and see a solicitor about the finances and assets. Don't tell your husband anything for now, just check out your position.

And FFS, stop fannying about changing his Facebook status, you're not 12.

KristinaM · 28/04/2010 09:11

so can i just clarify - you are 43, have been married for 10 years and have two kids. You own a small business together and you have been committing fraud by not putting jobs through the books.

Now you want to separate but you haven't seen a solicitor or got any other advice. You mention going on the council housing list although i assume you own your home already? You have no idea what position you and your children would be in if you lose your business and therefore the only source of income for both of you. Let alone any criminal proceedings that might take place. Or how you would pay back HMRC?

But your main concern is who is on his list of friends on Facebook, what his password is and whether or not the photos are up to date?

And you are coming on MN to ask what you should say to him is what threats you should use?

If you really are 43 then you need to grow up and think of your kids. Stop pissing about on mumsnet, turn off facebook and get proper advice fast.

And if you are a troll then i suggest you get a life / go and study for your exams

Anniegetyourgun · 28/04/2010 13:31

A masterful summary. I nominate KristinaM as poster of the week.

AnyFucker · 28/04/2010 16:28

ditto Kristina

although I think "fannying" around on MN sounds slightly better...