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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP hiding things,how to react? Please help.

17 replies

fuzzybunny · 26/04/2010 13:58

A quick explanation (I hope).
We have a DD and DC2 on the way.
I think we have always had quite separate lives as well as a very loving one together, however I feel like I am living my life through him as he is out and I very rarely am without being Mummy while DP is out a lot. I always trusted him in the past and felt I was being stupid when I started to question who he was with and who he'd been talking to and what exactly he had been getting up to, then I found out I was pregnant again so surely all of this is due to my hormones right.
Well long story shorter! I accused him of having an affair, which I don't believe if I really think about it seriously. However I have felt like I have needed to keep a bit of an eye on him still. He was out as usual on Saturday and was hungover Sunday as usual even though he had to work all day. Anyway, I just happened to pick up his phone to have a little nose through when I found a message he had sent to a friend saying about his night and basically he had been doing something he shouldn't have. Not an affair but something he knows without question I don't approve of and don't want in my or our childrens lives.
My dilema is that he doesn't know that I know, I found out by invading his privacy, and he of course wouldn't tell me. But should I bring it up? Is it really as serious as I think it is?
He just never looks like he is going to grow up at all. He talks a good talk, but can I trust him on other subjects if I know he has gone behind my back on this?

Please give any advise or opinions.

OP posts:
Hassled · 26/04/2010 14:00

I don't think anyone can comment without knowing what it was he did. What's more of an issue to you - what he did or the deception?

jasper · 26/04/2010 14:01

what did he do? Drugs?

GypsyMoth · 26/04/2010 14:03

was thinking drugs too

GooseyLoosey · 26/04/2010 14:03

Gambling? Strip club? it really is impossible to day without at least having an idea what he has done.

Reality · 26/04/2010 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GeekOfTheWeek · 26/04/2010 14:07

Cocaine?

GeekOfTheWeek · 26/04/2010 14:08

Great minds Reality

foureleven · 26/04/2010 14:10

echo reality

AnyFucker · 26/04/2010 14:14

drugs ?

lapdancing club ?

neither of those things, or something similar, sit well with me if he is meant to be a responsible family man with a second child on the way

I would speak to him about it...I wouldn't be guilt-tripped for snooping either

the end justifies the means

nobody would make a fool out of me in this way

however, it depends what he did

HappyWoman · 26/04/2010 14:14

So its something he knows you wouldnt approve of - and he has addmitted it in a text?

Ok - what you can say is 'I know what you did on saturday night (dont tell him how you know), say the only way forward is if comes clean admits it to you and then it stops now and you work together on your relationship.

If he refuses then i think you really need to ask youself if you can put up with this or not. If not and he will not change then you have to leave and he will either face up to the consequeses or he will carry on with his life.

Good luck

fuzzybunny · 26/04/2010 14:50

Was kind of hoping someone would say to stop being such a silly billy and get over it.

I know I probably have to say something. I just feel like we've had a lot of arguements recently, and don't want any more hassle.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/04/2010 14:52

have the arguments you've been having been anything to do with his behaviour, or the way he treats you, by any chance ?

fuzzybunny · 26/04/2010 15:31

Yes

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 26/04/2010 15:39

Which? The behaviour you don't approve of, or his attitude towards you?

StepSideways · 26/04/2010 15:46

exactly, what behaviour?

ItsGraceAgain · 26/04/2010 15:59

Look. We all have deal-breakers; things we cannot tolerate in a partner, no matter how great they are in other respects. Nobody here knows what yours are, or whether he's crossed that line with you.

Let's say I found out someone I was cloase to had been engaging in kiddy-fiddling (a definite deal-breaker). It wouldn't matter how I'd found out, all negotiations would be off as far as I'm concerned.

Your bottom line might be religion-related, culturally unacceptable to you or any other manner of boundary. Was the thing you found out about a deal-breaker for you?

If not, what led you to look through his phone? Is your relationship rocky? Are you looking for reasons to want out?

AnyFucker · 26/04/2010 16:29

you have been having lots of arguments recently, about his behaviour/attitude towards you

he has done something he knows you would have a problem with

and you are too tired/worn down to have any more "arguments" with him.....

I am seeing red flags here...he is wearing you down so you will put up with anything he cares to throw at you

eroding away...bit by bit...am I off the mark here ?

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