EA xh has new gf

[needtogrowup]

Title says it all really. I'm still trying to work out which bit of it is making me hurt.

It's been over between us for a year. I don't want him anywhere near me.

But I asked him a couple of days ago whether he was seeing her (a mutual friend had told me there were rumours and I wanted to congratulate him) and he outright lied and told me all about her new boyfriend. So yes I'm hurt about the completely pointless lie (but not surprised).

I know her fairly well. She's nice. In a way I think I should be pleased for him. But he's already making negative remarks about her on facebook.... (as jokes) (thats how it started with me too). I don't want him to do to her what he did to me.

I know he won't have told her the real reason we split up. I know he doesn't realise that what he does, how he treats women is abuse. I know I can't say anything to her. (Well I could. As I say, I used to be friends with her too. But I would look like the bitter ex-wife - why would she pay attention? I didn't pay attenetion to his ex).

It also hurts because its just the same. I remember him lying to his ex about when he started seeing me. Why couldn't I have seen it then?

Anyway, I suppose I just want someone to tell me it's ok to feel hurt. I'm doing fine. I'm the sensible one for not wanting to rush into a new relationship etc etc - although right now I just want someone to hug me.

it is ok to feel hurt, but do you really need to have any contact with someone who hurts you? i think you could protect yourself from this hurt.

(((((ntgu)))))

I know it's not the done thing here but have hugs anyway.

You must be feeling a myriad of emotions right now. Your feelings are ok, of course they are, they're yours.

You must have good memories too, they are so good at the mythological love stuff, and it's maybe reminding you of that? Albeit incredibly short lived by the sounds of things.

Well done for getting to where you are !
And everything Saddest said.
Hugs too.

Unfortunately no choice about contact - he still hasn't moved out of MY house yet. At least this new development should make that happen finally. Luckily no dc's. Although this post might just have made my namechange pointless - Some of my RL friends are also on MN and they might search my normal name, so don't anyone let on.... (I don't want them to know I'm moping.

Thanks for the hugs. Not quite the same as big warm male arms around me, but probably more emotion in a female e-hug than a RL male one anyway.

Good point about the memories saddest, maybe it is watching him turn on the charm that hurts. He's actually happy at the moment, which I haven't seen in ages.

She's just such a nice person. I want to say 'and therefore I don't want her to go through this too' but I know actually I'm screaming 'why does he deserve such a nice person'. Which makes me feel bad.

To top it all, he's given up his hugely time-consuming hobby so he can spend more time with her. That would be the hobby that took him away from me over my birthday weekend for 5 years in a row... that he said I was unreasonable to ask him to scale down to spend time with me. I think thats the bit that does it. Maybe he's just learnt from his mistake, or maybe I was just never worth that much

No, don't think that. He's just following his same tired old life script - being nice and lovely to start with, before showing himself to be an abuser.

If you think she is a nice woman, is there any way you can communicate through mutual friends that he is abusive?

You've learned a really hard lesson, but men who never seem to have a good word for any of their exes surely defy credibility and I wish that more women would wise up to this enormous red flag. It's the triumph of hope over experience and so similar to ignoring that other red flag of a man who has left a previous relationship via the infidelity route, without ever thinking that it was a lousy way of ending a relationship.

It frustrates me when women think "Oh it will be different with me" or when they collude with the hackneyed stories about the ex being a madwoman.

but if she contacts this lady,isnt this exactly what he will say about her? she might be really into him so I would leave it. Its still crap though!

Why is he still in your house? The best thing would be to concentrate on getting him out of there as soon as possible.
Unfortunately you won't be able to convince the new GF that this man is a shit, people are never willing to hear this kind of thing and are always going to think that it's just you-the-XP being bitter and nuts.

He will be out of the house at the end of June (and into his own place not hers). I'm already planning the house-warming party with my closest girl friends.

I AM going to contact the new gf, but just to be all sweetness and light, 'I'm so glad I don't have to worry about him being on his own' (which is true, even though I know he's a git, I can't forget how to worry about him that quickly), 'He's so lucky to have found someone like you... so quickly as well' (also completely true).

Actually I probably won't say any of it, but will just put the odd 'likes' on both of their fb statuses now and again. But what ever I do towards her it will always be to show that I am nice and fair etc, so if he is claiming that I'm evil and he's just misunderstood, then it won't match what she can see with her own eyes, and might just brighten up that red flag. I will also make sure she knows I don't hold her any ill will, so she can approach me and ask questions if/when she needs to.

I feel so much more reasonable (although still desparately and inexplicably hurting) after a night's sleep!

Good luck with that. I dont think its the way forward though. She will tell him and it will piss him off. She already knows you are lovely doesnt she know you?

I get this. I think most people do, even if their exes weren't head-fucking weirdos, but it's perhaps more insistent when they were.

I was royally cheesed off when I heard my ex had been nice to his next wife at their wedding! I was startled at how badly I felt: "Why couldn't he have been nice to meeeeee??!" Presumably because he had the benefit of my feedback, second time, around ... I STILL feel miffed, all these years later, when I hear good news about his family life - even though I know the poor woman is probably suffering in confused silence! I think it must be a leftover from all that "WHY doesn't he make me feel GOOD? What's wrong with meeeeee??!" stuff that happens to you while you're with one of those nutcases.

I told all the mutual friends to let Wife#2 know she could get in touch with me "if ever she needed to." I reckoned that completed my duty as the (no doubt) loopy ex-wife

You really have to get him out of your house, you know. Two more months? Can you stand it?

Thanks for the further messages.

Grace, you have summed it up perfectly - it's not that I actually want him to be that (seemingly) nice to me, I just don't understand why he wasn't.... (while knowing that he probably was and that she will be in the same position as me in a few years - although as she's a bit older, hopefully she'll wise up to it faster than I did)

It's not like he's learnt anything anyway, so I don't actually think he'll be nice to her. Him fibbing to me about her is exactly the same as him fibbing to his ex when he started seeing me; and his 'joking' comments about her are just as bad too. Besides, it would probably be better if he did suddenly learn and make things wonderful for her; that way I wouldn't have to even acknowledge the trail of destruction he could leave behind him if he keeps it up with successive women.

Two more months... hmmmmm, well I have a week booked away in the sun, he has a couple of weeks booked away with work, and he's staying away at hers all weekend every weekend at the moment; so we're not actually seeing each other for more than 10 minutes most days at the moment. I've made it this far, I guess I can keep going.

Kittya; don't worry, I will keep everything I say completely open and public (such as the 'likes' options on fb) so there's never any cause for her to have to tell him. She does know me, and we have a lot of mutual friends, all of whom know me to be reasonable (and all of whom have expressed opinions that I am being too nice and he is taking the p*ss), so surely she is going into this with her eyes open anyway...