Stately home threaders - help pls!

[DeFluff]

I was on the Stately Home thread a long time ago, prob under a different name, the lovely posters listened to me + helped with my 'parent issues'. I ended up writing my parents a letter and attending counselling. Eventually we all talked and they heard what i had to say and apologised for aspects of my childhood. Relationship now much better although some tensions still there.

But, I need to check whether IABU or not to be angry at my parents and no I'm not posting in AIBU! My exh has done the following (this is only some of it) (our DD is 5, he moved 200 miles away when we split):

1. Pretended not working for last 9 months even though was working, so as not to pay maintenance or half court order for school fees. Lied repeatedly when asked about job, we found out through FB.

1. Fought me for access (through solicitors not courts, he wanted MORE access) and when I agreed to once every 2 weeks he straight away said he could only do once every 4 weeks due to lack of money (he actually comes once every 5 weeks)

1. DD upset at only seeing him once every 4/5 weeks + asked him to see her more often, he said he couldn't due to not working and therefore lack of money, but he WAS working

1. Tried to trick me over the maintenance and court order so as not to pay anything (he's a solicitor he told me I wouldn't win because of x, y, z he was lying)

1. Told dd couldn't afford to see her one weekend, next weekend went on holiday to Florence with his girlfriend

1. Took dd in a car with no mot/tax/insurance

1. When dd was younger he swung two punches at my head when I was holding her in my arms (he aimed them to miss)

1. When has dd always wants to bring back early/shorten times because of football/wanting to go to pub

1. Lots and lots of stuff similar to above.

My parents are friendly to him when they talk to him on phone. When he (occasionally) picks up dd from theirs they ask if he'd like to stay to lunch etc. They are also friendly with his dad (who has been complicit in all his bad behaviour) and shake hands with both of them when they meet up.

If I try to talk to them about how I feel or tell them what new crap exh has pulled my father tells me he doesn't want to hear it, typical comment 'we know he's an idiot we don't need to discuss it again' and my mum puts on a dismissive tone of voice and changes the subject.

They say they are trying to keep friendly so as they can offer another 'route' for him with dd. They have both told me they dislike him. But I feel betrayed every single time they stick up for him or shake his hand or are even polite to him and his father.

Whats sparked this this time is my parents took dd down to exh house for a visit today and I said to my father 'could you mention the fact that he's missed the deadline (again) for sending the CSA forms back please' I was half joking but actually don't see why my dad couldn't have taken him to one side and said it. My dad basically said I was mad and 'no way'.

AIBU to feel betrayed that they are nice to him after all he's done to me and more importantly their granddaughter??

Thank you So. I too had some 'hero' worship going on and thought 'if any man touched me my dad would kill them' type stuff. Unfortunately not true. I didn't actually want him to kill him obviously, but I wanted him to say 'don't you dare lay a finger on my daughter again' or somesuch.

I felt exactly how you say above, betrayed and like I was/am fighting on two fronts. I also feel that every time they're even civil to exh and exfil (unless dd was there of course then they would have to be civil and rightly so) they are condoning their behaviour. My exh is a manipulative twat and he will feel 'oh if her parents are shaking my hand then me lying about not working for 9 months and pying NO maintenance and lying to my dd can't be that bad can it?' If that makes sense.

I have spoken to my dad about it and he does say he hates my exh and would 'kill him' if he could, but as he can't they need to be civil and keep the lines of communication open.

When my separation first happened (when the punching incident happened) I said dd could not see her father unsupervised (because of the violence) this meant, because I didn't drive, my job was long hours and exh had always done the pick ups from nursery, that my parents had to drive 20 mins 3 x a week and do them for me. They leaned on me heavily telling me to let him have unsupervised access. They kept saying that he would never hurt his dd. I think they just didn't want to keep doing the pick ups. And now I feel shame for even voicing such a thought.

All i can say is SNAP!!!!

I had to rely on my parents supervising as KNEW my exp was not safe with her. It was awful and when I couldn't stand it anymore and fell out with them I had to supervise myself to ensure that DD saw him!!!

It culminated last year when he attacked me and kicked me in the stomach when I was 7 months pg with my DD2 infront of DD1!! It was at the end of a visit and totally unprovoked!

After 20k court case, me losing my job and having counselling etc etc he was ordered to have a psychological test and now sees DD at contact centre once a fortnight!

I will NEVER get an apology from my dad! I know that! And would never wish what I went through on anyone except to say that I stood up for what was right for my DD and it worked out in the end!!!

No one in the world, father, mother, partner, will ever stop me fighting to keep my kids safe! Thats my job and just because my father failed makes me more determined to never fail my kids!!!

No one wants the 'hassle' of supervising visits! I know I went through loads of supervisors but if you know it should be supervised then DO NOT EVER back down on this! You are your DD's voice! She only has you to keep her truly safe!

If your parents want out then you refuse access between exp and DD and let the court come up with an alternative! It was HIS behaviour that caused this and not yours. Please remember that! And NEVER feel shame for voicing your thoughts chick....feel strong and empowered!

You are a wonderful mum and your DD will be proud to have you! xxxxx