Difficult relationship with mother, DH adding to the problem!

[fifitot]

Have posted on here a couple of times and always got good advice so here goes.

I am in my 40s but have had a difficult relationship with my Mother since my teens. I recently came to the conclusion she shows traits of NPD which helps me contextualise her behaviour a little bit. Over the years I feel she has crowded me but also been manipulative of me and she is selfish - always wants her own way.

I have managed the relationship by keeping my distance both physically (I live 100mls away) and emotionally (she says she would love us to be 'close' but not sure what she means!).. It is not unheard of for her to be kind on occasion and she always tells me how much she cares about me etc but have come to conclusion that it's all part of the overall behaviour. Still......on occasion have tried to address the things that bother me but typically she doesn't see it, plays the victim, weeps and wails - the usual stuff. So have learned to keep my mouth shut and tolerate her and her regular visits (she comes to see her Grandson)

Unfortunately we had a massive row earlier this year when I unexpectedly found myself pg again - she said some mean and horrible things. I got a half arsed apology and like usual we are all expected to forgive and forget and move on. I have found this is easier as she will never accept any blame for things. However DH, who had little tolerance of her anyway has been furious at some of the things she has said and done recently and now finds himself unable to be civil with her.

THis causes alot of problems. Last time she visited he spent time doing up his car, kept out of the way, time before that, he went out all day. Thing is, she knows there is something up and I dread her asking him what as he is quite volatile too and will really have a go - it would end disastarously I know it would. They had a row in the past and my Dad threatened to hit DH!!!!!!

My DH just can't hide his anger unf, it all comes out in passive aggression. He knows it makes things worse for me. Just don't know what to do for the best.

Let them sort it out between them? If I can't then there is no way he could.

Tell him to behave himself and act like nothing has happened? I don't think he physically can.

They are coming to stay in 3 weeks time and I am dreading it. What can I do???

(Sorry for very long post.)

Dh is angry on your behalf as my dh would be. In fact I know dh would be saying "they're not staying" or be ready to have very blunt words indeed, if he thought they were in anyway hurtful. Tell dh to ditch the passive aggression, just get blunt if they step out of line!

Would expect your parents to be on best behaviour and jointly you and dh not to put up with any crap.

Thanks. I can't work out whether just to have a big blow out row or not but tbh the resentments run years back and we might never come back from it.

I think this is the way it will be from now on.

Thanks for posting.

Anyone else had similar experience or have any advice too?

Book your parents into a BnB or hotel. Don't let them stay with you. Say you're getting a plumber in to fix up the shower, whatever, so they can't stay.

Construct some boundaries - space and time - meet them in their hotel, or in a public space - if they have to come to your home, have an appointment made that they will have only a limited amount of time, as you have to leave.

You have your family to think of. They are your number one priority - by saying your family I mean you your DH and your DS, not your parents.

Your DH owes your Narc mother nothing.

And neither do you.
Good luck.

This site daughters of narc mothers may be of help fifitot.

Thanks zazen - a good idea and will look at that sight.

Someone who could not accept me being pregnant by my husband would not be welcome in my house.

Actually, I wouldn´t be interested in seeing them at all.

You wouldn´t take it from someone else-why your mother?

You're right diddl but it's a massive deal to cut her out of my life and one I am not really up to.

I have accepted that I have to muddle along with it and simply 'manage' my relationship with her to a level where I am not getting hurt. It's hard but living away makes it easier.

Yes, having them stay in a hotel should be a big help. Is your mum likely to wear it, or will it trigger her?

I think - depending on how long they're coming for - it's reasonable to ask DH to play nice as far as possible, and arrange a thousand things he has to be off & doing whilst they're at yours. I also feel there's nothing wrong with telling your mum he "finds it hard to talk to her" or some such. I know my mum would react to this by going over the top to find out why, argue her POV, etc ... but, if for a (very!) limited time, I can handle it and it seems you can too.

I understand how you want to avoid some massive family split if you can. With mad people, unfortunately, responsibility falls on the sane people! If you & DH can figure out a workable plan to keep you both sane(ish), then good for you

Congrats on your surprise pg!

I´m not saying cut her out OP-just that it would take me a lot to see her again-let alone have her staying in my house.

However,if you are willing to, I feel your husband should also.

But if he can´t be civil isn´t he better out of the way?

Diddl and ItsGrace - thanks. I think DH will have to get out of the way, he is so narky with her.

And yes ItsGrace - she is mad! You have summed it up! If she asks where DH is, will say that he is struggling to get over the row we had about the pregnancy and leave it at that. She might not let it lie but no point in making something up.

Thanks for your messages.