Elderly relative - memory problems, QS or anyone else, come share your expertise!

[DecorHate]

Calling QS and anyone else who has a relative who is suffering from dementia or memory problems....

I really feel we could do with a section specifically for elderly relatives as so many people I know in RL are dealing with these issues at the moment. I know there is a carers section but it doesn't seem to get used much and most people are not living with their relatives as the main carer but trying to help or provide support from outside their home....

Anyway my particular reason for posting is that I have an elderly relative (aunt) who doesn't really have much family in this country and no-one living in the same town as her...we are not particularly close but almost by default I am getting more involved in her affairs as there is no-one else able or willing to do it tbh...

She is getting worse and worse in terms of her memory problems, has been referred to a memory clinic at last but appointment is not for a few weeks. One of the things I am not sure about is how much to talk to her about her memory problems - would it be better if I had an open and frank conversation with her about the concerns that everyone else has, how she feels about it, etc? ATM everyone is pussyfooting around it and almost pretending to her that everything is fine, when it isn't really.

And the other thing I would welcome information on is how bad do things need to get before she gets help at home or indeed has to move into a home? Afaik, social services are not involved at all yet. Her GP has only got involved because I phoned her and voiced my concerns. I don't live geographically close to my aunt and I am slowly realising that there are no systems in place to watch out for vulnerable old people if they do not have family around to keep an eye on them.

Any advice or experiences would be most welcome.

i don't know if it would be helpful to talk about the memory loss with your aunt,my DH had severe memory loss due to a brain tumour, if i reminded him about something that he had forgotten it made him feel worthless and very upset.
can you speak to someone at a local carers project or maybe age concern?

That's what I'm worried about - that she will be upset and start worrying about the future, etc. On the other hand, I am going to have to take her for her appointment at the memory clinic (she would either forget the appointment or get lost on the way) so it feels odd not to mention it at all iyswim....

Sorry, just saw that it was you OJ - how are things with you?

we are good thanks,things have changed so much all for the better, i am madly in love and engaged to be married to a very fine man

That's fantastic! Lucky you to have had two good men in your life - most people struggle to find one decent one!

Is she already aware that her memory is going? If so , she will find this very frightening, but at least you may have the chance to talk about it to her. Reassure her that you will make sure she is looked after.

Perhaps you could gently try to find out what she wants to do in the event that she can't look after herself? Would she want to go into a home? Does she have finance? Does she have a Will? A Power of Attorney?

If she has finance perhaps you could look at sheltered housing or a Home now. Some elderly people feel safer in a Home even if they don't technically need to go into one.

You need to advise her next of kin as presumably this is the person who would be taking care of details.

Check out the website of her local council - there is usually some info on what services are available for the elderly, - meals on wheels - visiting carers, etc...

She will have an assessment done and they will then advise what they will supply. Be prepared, though, that if she has a progressive dementia illness - you might find that by the time they supply the carer -the whole scenario has changed and she needs something else.

And yes, as OJ has already said, it apparently is better not to draw their attention to their memory loss (unless it's absolutely necessary) as this creates more distress. Well-meaning people often say to the sufferer "don't be silly Flo, I gave you that book for Christmas, you didn't buy it down the shops" ...trying to jog Flo's memory. Trouble is, it just stresses Flo out because she STILL can't remember.

Good luck, it's a tough call.

If you haven't looked already go to
alzheimers.org.uk lots of very useful information and insight to memory loss problems.

Depending on where you and your aunt live they also run support groups and services for families and sufferers.

very best wishes for you both

Thanks for your replies. Mumonthenet, she is currently living in a rented flat with a warden on site. She had a small amount of savings (I know because she got her financial affairs in a bit of a muddle do I had to get involved) but not enough to fund a care home if she had to pay the whole amount herself.

She does have a will but not power of attorney afaik. I assume her "next if kin" would be her siblings who live abroad, are also getting on in years and not really in a position to get involved...

I will be seeing her this week and will see if I can talk to her about meals on wheels, etc. I do feel a bit uncomfortable about approaching social services about her, feels like it is going behind her back, but I guess there is no choice if she needs the support...

If she has less than 21k in savings (check this, obviously) she would get her care home fees paid. But you would need to get involved in choosing one which she would be happy in.

Maybe you could present Social Services to her as a bit of extra help? Somebody to cook her a meal, or some help with the dusting....?

Hi Decor

Where we are, social services see residential placement, funded by the local authority, as 'the last resort ' after a 'package of care'at home has been tried and failed for some reason such as the sufferer wandering, or being at increased risk of neglect by failing to accept care.

Some LA's will fund cleaning services and meal on wheels, others do not.

If you haven't done so already you should put in a claim for attendance allowance,for your Aunt, which pays approximately £47/week and is non means tested. You can follow the links via directgov.

Despite your aunt's memory problems you will be asked to make sure she has consented to any referrals you make to social services, and that she aware you are discussing her situation.

However this would not necessarly apply if she became too confused to understand and it could be shown that you were making arrangements in her best interest.Social services should be able guide thro' this
area, as it revolves around something called the mental capacity act.

I also suggest looking at her local authorites website to find out how they deal with referrals from family members, as procedures do vary around the country.
BTW if she lives in Scotland, afaik they fund care differently from in England

Resurrecting this as things have moved on a bit...

I had a look at the Age Concern website regarding attendance allowance - it sounds like you have to be quite "bad" before you get it - I was hoping that relative might qualify and be able to use it to fund meals on wheels.

Since I started this thread she has been positively diagnosed with dementia and has had an accident at home which has caused her GP to refer her to social services - assessment is next week, have already spoken to her allocated social worker who thinks meals on wheels may be the way forward....

Decor she should be entitled to Attendance Allowance, its all in how you complete the form. My Mum sounds similar to your aunt. With my Mum we only realised what was going on when she fell ill with pnuemonia. It turned out she wasn't eating, she had loss any sense of hunger which can be part of memory loss. This all got diagnosed a bit later. We got carers in twice a day to ensure she eats. Then we got the Social Services assessment, which assesses her needs then the Finance person came and assessed her income. One of them certainly told us to apply for Attendance Allowance. Social services agreed she needed the carers twice a day but they will only pay for 15 or 30 mins slots so we use the attendance to pay for another 30 mins so that the carers cook a 'proper' meal. We did this by opting for Direct Payments rather than leaving it in the hands of SS. This might not suit your aunt as you are further away? If you have any questions I'll try and help but funny enough I am off to see Mum with her shopping!

Thanks daylily. She finds it hard enough to manage on her pension what with her rent & council tax. She has some savings which obv I will try to make her use if necessary but she has got her finances in a muddle in the past (so we're not exactly sure how much she has as she can't really remember what accounts she has) and hasn't taken any notice of me telling her to spend her savings while she can!