not sure what to do

[allthenamesaretaken]

I met a new man around 4 months ago.
Things were great at first, he was really attentive with flowers chocolates etc. Things progressed quickly and we introduced our kids who got on great. But about 2 months ago he lost his job. and in the last month in my view things have been going downhill.

He is devastated about his job and I want to be there and supportive towards him but we haven't been together that long so it's hard.

He assures me that he feels the same towards me but it now seems to be me that does the arranging to meet and I wonder if I didn't whether he would or not. I have backed right off as I don't want to feel like I am chasing him but he seems to now just text me a couple of times a week rather than call.

I am seeing him Sunday and was just going to call it off but I don't want to add to his problems (job etc), want to be supportive and also like him and want it back the way it was. I don't know what to say to him because I have asked if he was losing interest etc and he says no. All this is also putting me off sleeping with him as well.

.

when i lost my job a few years back it really affected my self-esteem, and i really think it can be very bad for men's self-esteem, as they are often conditioned to expect to be financially secure.
when i lost my job i was frustrated; i felt impatient and desperate and wanted everything else in my life to be on hold until i was earning again. i felt that until i was earning again i was letting everyone down, esp dc. my pride was hugely dented by the financial implications of unemployment too.
could that be how he is feeling?

He probably has no money to take you anywhere. Job loss in more than just a huge blow to the ego, your entire life disappears when you have no money to fund it.

maristella that is exactly how I felt in a similar situation a few years ago when I lost my job. I know I couldn't have handled being in a relationship at the time.

But I don't know if that is the reason or whether it is because he is losing interest. I have tried backing off but it's not working so feel I have to say something for possibly the last time - give it one more chance but I don't know what to say.

His problems shouldn't become yours, not at this early stage. If aspects of the way he is coping (or failing to cope) with his job loss are bugging you, remain 'backed off'. Drop sunday's meet up if you want to without any guilt. He needs to show his ability to be self sufficient or he could become more of a drain on you and your resources, emotional or otherwise.

Besides which, when you feel he is backing off and he behaves as though he's backing off, what he says means little. Actions do speak louder, trust your instincts.

maybe suggest some cheap and fun nights in and see if things improve.
it is a scary time to be out of work, i'm not sure how i would cope

I am happy for him to come round rather than us go out. When I said I was going to call it off on Sunday I meant our relationship not the evening.

I completely appreciate it if he wants to end it but he doesn't do that. I also understand if it is because of work (or lack of) worries but he hasn't said and am not happy feeling like I am doing the chasing.

Sorry, then call it off on Sunday. If you feel as though you're doing the chasing, if he's failed to respond (in terms of behaviour) to your queries regarding the level of his interest, then free yourself from feeling as you do.
All the chasing is no fun, potentially detrimental to self esteem and can play a part in a larger, EA type picture, over time.

yes I suppose you are right anothermum92 but I would like to know what he wants. By the way it wasn't redundancy he was sacked from a job he'd been doing for years so that makes it far worse. He had an appeal last week that he lost.

what I think I might do is say that I am not happy with this - the relationship the way it is, give him the opportunity to say it is related to work or not and say I want a break because it is too much hard work at the moment.

if you are not enjoying his company and don't want to sleep with him, i would say that is a bad sign!
if there could be something salvagable then give it more time; if the lack of enthusiasm is affecting your confidence then it's tome to get rid.
irrespective of what is going on in somebody's life you are not obligated to continue a relationship that you don't wabt to be in.
i am rambling, i promise to make more sense tomorrow